Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"That's disgusting," said Tonker.

Their treacherous feet were taking them closer all the time. Polly kept her eyes downwards, as was proper in an unmarried woman. There would be others watching, she knew it. They'd probably be bored, they might not be expecting any trouble, but up on those walls there were eyes fixed on her.

They reached the guard. Just inside the narrow stone doorway there was another one, lounging in the shadow.

"Papers," said the guard.

"Oh, sir, I have none," said Polly. She'd been working out the speech on the way down through the wood. War, fears of invasion, people fleeing, no food... you didn't have to make things up, you just had to reassemble reality. "I had to leave - "

"Oh, right," the guard interrupted. "No papers? No problem! If you'd just step in and see my colleague? Nice of you to join us!" He stood aside and waved a hand towards the dark entrance.

Mystified, Polly stepped inside, with the others following. Behind them, the door swung shut. Inside, she saw that they were in a long passage with many slits in the walls to rooms on either side. Lamplight shone from the slits. She could see shadows beyond them. Bowmen concealed there could turn anyone trapped in here into mince.

At the end of the corridor another door swung open. It led into a small room in which there sat, at a desk, a young man in a uniform Polly didn't recognize, although it had a captain's insignia. Standing to one side was a much, much larger man in the same uniform, or possibly two uniforms stitched together. He had a sword. There was that about him: when this man held a sword, it was clearly being held, and held by him. The eye was drawn to it. Even Jade would have been impressed.

"Good morning, ladies," said the captain. "No papers, eh? Take off your scarves, please."

And that's it, thought Polly, as the bottom of her stomach dropped away. And we thought we were being clever. There was nothing for it but to obey.

"Ah. You'll tell me your hair was shaved off as a punishment for fraternizing with the enemy, eh?" said the man, barely looking up. "Except for you," he added to Igorina. "Didn't feel like fraternizing with any enemies? Something wrong with decent Zlobenian boys?"

"Er... no," said Igorina.

Now the captain gave them a bright little smile. "Gentlemen, let's not mess about, shall we? You walk wrong. We do watch, you know. You walk wrong and you stand wrong. You," he pointed to Tonker, "have got a bit of shaving soap under one ear. And you, sir, are either deformed or you've tried the old trick of sticking a pair of socks down your vest."

Crimson with embarrassment and humiliation, Polly hung her head.

"Getting in or out disguised as washerwomen," said the captain, shaking his head. "Everyone outside this stupid country knows that one, lads, but most of them make more effort than you boys. Well, for you the war is over. This place has got big, big dungeons and I don't mind telling you you're probably going to be better off in here than outside - Yeah, what do you want?"

Shufti had raised a hand. "Can I show you something?" she said. Polly didn't turn, but watched the captain's face as, beside Polly, cloth rustled. She couldn't believe it. Shufti was raising her skirt...

"Oh," said the captain, sitting back in his chair. His face went red.

There was an explosion from Tonker, but it was an explosion of tears. They came out accompanied by a long, mournful wail, as she threw herself onto the floor.

"We walked so-oo far! We lay in ditches to hide from soldiers! There's no food! We want to work! You called us boys! Why are you so-oo cruel?"

Polly knelt down and half picked her up, patting her on the back as Tonker's shoulders heaved with the force of her sobs.

"It's been very hard for all of us," she said to the red-faced captain.

"If you can take him down I can garrotte the other one with my apron string," whispered Tonker in her ear, between howls.

"Have you seen everything you wish to see?" said Polly to the blushing captain, every syllable tinkling with ice. "Yes! No! Yes! Please!" said the captain, giving the guard the agonized glance of a man who knows that he's going to be the laughing stock of the whole fort inside the hour. "Once was quite - I mean, I've seen... look, I'm completely satisfied. Private, go and fetch one of the women from the laundry. I am so sorry, ladies, I... I have a job to do..."

"Do you enjoy it?" said Polly, still freezing.

"Yes!" said the captain hurriedly. "I mean, no! No, yes! We have to be careful... ah..."

The big soldier had returned, trailing a woman. Polly stared.

"Some, er, new volunteers," said the captain, waving vaguely towards the squad. "I'm sure Mrs Enid will have some use for them... er..."

"Certainly, captain," said the woman, curtsying demurely. Polly still stared.

"Off you go... ladies," said the captain. "And if you're hard workers Mrs Enid will I am sure give you a pass so's we don't have this trouble again... er..."

Shufti put both hands on his desk, leaned towards him and said "Boo". His chair hit the wall.