Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

In the middle of the floor that was revealed stood a hideous figure. Its horrifying countenance had less than the effect it might have done, because from it dangled a quite readable label that said 'Boffo Novelty and Joke Emporium. Improved Necromancer's Mask. Sale Price AM$3'. This was removed to reveal the more salubrious countenance of Dr Hix.

'There really is no need to - ' he said, and then spotted the Librarian. 'Oh, can I help you?'

The Librarian held up the book and Dr Hix groaned. 'That again,' he said. 'All right, what do you want?'

'We've got an orc down in the cellars,' said Glenda.

'Yes, I know,' said Dr Hix.

The Librarian had a big face, but it nevertheless was not large enough to accommodate all of the surprise he wished to show. The head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications shrugged and sighed. 'Look,' he said, as if weary of having to explain so often, and sighed again. 'I am supposed to be the bad person as defined by university statute, right? I am supposed to listen at doors. Supposed to dabble in the black arts. I've got the skull ring. I've got the staff with the silver skull on it - '

'And a joke-shop mask?' said Glenda.

'Quite serviceable as a matter of fact,' said Hix, haughtily. 'Rather more frightening than the original thing and washable, which is always a consideration in this department. Anyway, the Archchancellor was down here weeks ago, after the same stuff you are, I very much imagine.'

'Were the orcs terrible creatures?' said Glenda.

'I think I can probably show you,' said Hix.

'This gentleman has already shown me the picture in the book,' said Glenda.

'Was it the one with the eyeballs?'

Glenda found the memory only too vivid. 'Yes!'

'Oh, there's worse than that,' said Hix happily. 'And I suppose you want the proof?' He half turned his head. 'Charlie?' A skeleton walked out through black curtains at the far end of the room. It was holding a mug. There was something curiously depressing about the slogan on said mug, which ran: 'Necromancers Do It All Night'.

'Don't be scared,' said Dr Hix.

'I'm not,' Glenda said, terrified to her insteps. 'I've seen the insides of a slaughterhouse. It's part of the job and, anyway, he's polished.'

'Thank you very much,' the skeleton articulated.

'But "Necromancers Do It All Night"? That's a bit pathetic, isn't it? I mean, don't you think it's trying a bit too hard?'

'It was hard enough to get that one made,' said Dr Hix. 'We're not the most popular department in the university. Charlie, the young lady wants to know about orcs.'

'Again?' said the skeleton, handing the mug to the doctor. It had a rather hoarse voice, but on the whole far less dreadful than it might have been. Apart from anything else, his bones were, well, apart from anything else, and floated in the air as if they were the only visible parts of an invisible body. The jaw moved as Charlie went on: 'Well, I think we've still got the memory in the sump 'cos, you remember, we called it up for Ridcully. I haven't got round to wiping it yet.'

'Memory of what?' said Glenda.

'It's a kind of magic,' said Hix loftily. He continued. 'It would take too long to explain.'

Glenda didn't like this. 'Let's have it in a nutshell, then.'

'Okay. We're now quite certain that what we call the passage of time is in fact the universe being destroyed and instantly rebuilt in the smallest instant of eventuality that it is possible to have. While the process is instant at every point, nevertheless to renew the whole Universe takes approximately five days, we believe. Interestingly enough - '

'Can I have it in a smaller nut?'

'So you don't want to hear about Houseman's theory of the Universal Memory?'

'Possibly the size of a walnut,' said Glenda.

'Very well, then, can you imagine this: current thinking is that the old universe is not destroyed in the instant the new universe is created, a process which, incidentally, has been happening an untold billion number of times since I have been talking - '

'Yes, I can believe that. Can we try for a pistachio?' said Glenda.

'Copies of the universe are kept. We don't know how, we don't know where, and it beats the hell out of me trying to imagine how it all works. But we're finding that it is sometimes possible to, er, read this memory in certain circumstances. How am I doing in terms of nut dimensions?'