He paused as though understanding she needed a second to absorb his words.
Technically, in rehab, it was recommended to avoid a relationship until one reached a year of sobriety. Now she understood why. There was still a lot of bullshit in her head that needed ironing out. But this wasn’t a relationship. And it had been consensual, sober, and exhilarating-as-hell sex.
“Girl, good sex is supposed to make you lose control. That’s the kind of fucking we all fantasize about. You didn’t do anything wrong, unethical, or bad. You’re a single woman in your late twenties. This is your prime, sweetie. Getting your shit together and taking control of your life doesn’t mean you have to live like a nun and can’t have excitement or fun. You need to cut yourself some slack.”
Okay, maybe he had a point, but still, it was Keith. She’d let—hell, let wasn’t the word, she’d practically demanded—he fuck her stupid at his place of business. “But it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I shouldn’t have had sex with him at all.”
“Why not?”
She grunted. “Because half the time I think he hates me, and I’m not sure if I like him either.”
He laughed, and she now had the distinct impression he was having too much fun at her expense. “And the other half? Sweetie, everyone has sex with people they probably shouldn’t. If he’s single, you’re single, and everyone was sober and consenting, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s not a setback. Actually, I think it’s a giant step forward.”
Hmm, that was an interesting take. “How so?”
“Because it’s normal! It’s what people do. They date, they hook up, they have fun. It shows you’re getting a life—one you choose. One you’re working hard to own. One I can tell you’re really starting to like. I’m proud of you, Mickie. Hate sex can be fun as hell, girl. It’s not like you’re out there fucking everything with a dick as a replacement for the drugs.”
“No.” It was just this one man who she wanted.
Some of the tension she’d been carrying lifted off her shoulders. Ralph was right. The mistakes she’d made in the past needed to stay there. She’d changed so much in the last seven months, mostly due to being sober but also because of the hard work she’d put into therapy. She still checked in with her therapist biweekly via Zoom.
“It’s healthy for you to want to avoid repeating the mistakes you’ve made in the past, but you can’t let that take over and become a fear of living your life. Now, I’m going to let you go and process all I’ve said. And you are never going to ignore my texts or calls again.”
“Never. I promise and I’m sorry, Ralphie.”
“I love you, Mickie.”
Her heart clenched with the force of missing him. “And I love you, Ralph. Thank you.”
“My pleasure. Oh, by the way, I’m coming for a visit in a few weeks. I need to see this mechanic for myself.” He hung up before she had a chance to respond, which was typical of their conversations. Ralph loved to drop little bombs then disappear.
She flopped back against the couch, letting the phone drop on the cushion next to her. She’d been so conflicted that night. Riding high on emotion and adrenalin, she’d lost her head with Keith. It’d been…phenomenal. Had she ever come so hard? Probably not. Ever since, her body had craved more while her mind had run rampant, punishing her for the loss of control.
Ralph’s lecture helped quite a bit. He was right. Healthy single adults had sex all the time. And sometimes, it was a one-off with someone who wasn’t right for them. Nothing wrong with it. Since she hadn’t heard from Keith in two days, he seemed to feel the same way. The encounter had been the product of the unnerving situation with his father combined with their potent chemistry.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Buried deep under all her anxiety the past few days was a smidgen of pride. Not once had she thought of drinking or putting any other substances in her body. She’d allowed the discomfort and dealt with it instead of escaping it. And that was a huge win.
There was a time, not long ago, she’d have spent these past few days numbing herself until the stress passed.
A knock at the door brought her back to the moment. It was high time to stop obsessing and get on with her day. “Coming!” she hollered as she rose from the sofa.
Michaela pulled the door open after the second knock. “Hey, Jagger, come on in,” she said to the handsome man standing in her doorway. Even though she’d been expecting him, she had a tiny twinge of disappointment that he wasn’t Keith.
Jagger flashed her the charming smile all three Benson brothers she’d met seemed blessed with and stepped into her house. “Man, been a while since I’ve been over here. Forgot how nice this place is. It’s gonna be a stunner once we’re done.”