Ruined (Ethan Frost 1)

Chapter Twenty-eight

I don’t know how long we stand there like that, Ethan impaled inside me, me wrapped around him. And I don’t care. All that matters is that he’s mine. For these long, trembling moments Ethan Frost belongs only to me. Even knowing that I’m only minutes away from having to give him up once and for all doesn’t mar the preciousness of these moments. How can it when, for the first time, Ethan is as vulnerable, as open as I am?

He’s still kissing me, his mouth hot, demanding, voracious on mine. I kiss him back. I kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. Until my lips burn and my jaw aches and my tears have finally burned themselves away. And then I kiss him some more.

“I didn’t mean it,” he finally says, lifting his head just enough so that there’s a scant inch of space between us. “I didn’t mean any of it. ”

His breath is hot on my face, his body hard and solid against me. Inside me. And still I don’t know what to say. What to think or feel or do. How can I when his earlier indifference is still an open, aching wound inside me?

“Baby, I swear. I never meat to hurt you. ”

I shake my head, look away. Try not to hear. Try even harder not to listen to the words coming out of his mouth. They’re exactly what I wanted him to say twenty minutes ago, thirty minutes ago. But not now.

Not when it’s too late.

Not when I feel like I’ve been ripped open, all my pain and fear and need on trembling display.

Not when I’ve already broken.

I must have spoken out loud, because he tells me, “It’s not too late. It’s not. ” He drops kisses on my cheek, my temple, the side of my neck. For the first time I register that his torn-up lip feels rough against my skin. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. ”

The tears have stopped now, and I don’t move, don’t speak, barely even breathe. My whole body feels like it’s been encased in ice, and for the first time I’m grateful for the chill. Because I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel any of it. But he’s still inside me, and as he moves and trembles against me, it’s impossible for me not to feel. Impossible for me not to love him.

Still, we can’t go on this way. “Let me go, Ethan. ”

“I tried. Believe me. I tried to let you go. But I just can’t. I need you too much. ” Shuddering, he buries his face against my throat. There’s a selfish part of me that wants to shrug him off, to reject him the way he rejected me, but I can’t do it. I can’t harden my heart to him any more than I can keep my body from him. Good or bad, Ethan Frost owns me. And, I realize as the desperation of his hold finally sinks in, I own him, too.

Silence stretches between us for far too long. Finally, when I can’t take it anymore, I demand, “Tell me why. If you want me to stay, you need to tell me why you did this. Why you tried to tear us apart so completely. ”

He stiffens against me, pulls away. Puts me gently on the floor. My legs try to buckle when they first try to take my weight again, but Ethan grabs on to me. Holds me until I’m steady.

As I wait for him to speak, I retrieve my panties and yoga pants. Start to pull them on, then realize I’m wet with him. Ethan didn’t wear a condom.

For long seconds, my mind boggles at the realization. But before I can even begin to wrap my head around what that might mean, Ethan takes my hand and tugs me toward the closest bathroom.

“I wasn’t thinking. ”

“Neither of us was. ”

“Is it—”

“It’s fine,” I tell him, having already done the calculations in my head. “We’re fine. ”

He nods but doesn’t say anything else. Just wets a washcloth and cleans me up before tenderly—so tenderly—helping me dress. Only then, when I’m fully clothed and as armored as I can get, does he say, “I was trying to save you. ”

“Save me?” I look at him in disbelief. “Let’s be honest. More likely you were trying to save yourself. ”

“It’s too late for that. It has been for more years than I can count. ”

“I don’t believe that. Everybody knows how amazing the great Ethan Frost is. Everybody loves you. ”

He shakes his head. “Because nobody knows me. ”

“I know you. ”

“You don’t. If you did, you’d run out that door and never come back. ”

“I tried that. You’re the one who stopped me. ”