I’m running on zero sleep but I can’t deny that when she faces me, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. In fact, she’s more beautiful than I remembered. More beautiful than my drawings of her. More beautiful than those fucking tapes.
Her hair is loose, the long strands brushing her shoulders, fluttering in the slight breeze. I think she’s lost some weight though. Has she not been eating well? I know she hates cooking but she should be, right? Pregnant women should be eating more. Why else would there be dark circles under her eyes? Why else would the curve of her cheeks be so pronounced?
It’s my fault. I did this to her. If it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t even be at the café. She wouldn’t be living alone, in a strange city.
“I didn’t… I didn’t know. About the coffee.”
She tucks her hair behind her ear. “It’s okay. I thought it wouldn’t affect me. That’s why I chose this place.”
I look around, plowing my fingers through my hair. “I, uh, we can go somewhere else. I… I-I can look for a place. I don’t know what will set you off, but I can —”
Just then, the lady comes out and hands Pixie the water, which she takes gratefully. All I do is stand here, helpless, as the lady fusses over the woman I love.
Fuck, is it me or am I the most useless husband in the world?
I should’ve known about the coffee. I should know about other triggers, too. Jesus Christ, how do people keep track of these things?
Books.
There has to be books, which clarify everything. I need to get some books. I’m not fond of reading and rules and following a textbook, but I can try. I’m gonna fucking try.
Even though it’s difficult to move away from her when she’s really here, warm and smelling like sugar, I take a couple of steps back.
She notices, immediately. “Abel?” Her eyes are wide, fearful. “A-Are you leaving?”
I press a fist on my chest; my breaths have become wild. “Yeah. I need to get some books.”
“What books?”
I wave my hand around. “For this… stuff. I don’t know anything. I probably, uh…” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I should probably look for a list. You know, of things. That are triggers, that you should keep away from. There’s gotta be a book somewhere. I think I should start with the bookstore just around the corner. I —”
The lady laughs. “Oh God, aren’t you the sweetest thing? Sweetheart, you can find a million books out there but still, you’re not gonna be prepared for everything. Pregnancy is the most fickle bitch. It’s even more unpredictable than falling in love. In fact, falling in love is easy. Bringing a new life into this world, is a little bit more complicated than that.” Chuckling, she collects everything from Pixie. “Anyway, I’ll leave you guys to it. If you’re gonna stay out here and you need anything, just knock.”
When she departs, Pixie says, “You don’t even like books.”
Her plump lips are twitching and I wanna bite it. Instead, I bite the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know anything,” I admit.
I should probably not show how terrified I am but honest to God, I am terrified. She’s having a baby. My baby. My kid is in there and I’ve got no clue how to deal with that.
How do you deal with someone who’s going to be completely and utterly dependent on you? Especially when, you’re prone to making so many mistakes. When you’re the most imperfect being on this planet.
For the first time since she got here, I drop my gaze and look at her stomach. She’s wearing a white dress with red flowers. Always fucking flowers for my Pixie. I don’t see anything different; her tummy looks flat. But still, I want to touch it. I want to touch the expanse of her body where my kid is sleeping.
I want to feel it. I want to feel the temperature of her stomach, the texture, the curve, everything. Is it any different from before? Does her skin run hotter now?
“Me neither.”
I look up at her admission. In her gaze, I see similar fears and I want to tell her everything is going to be okay. I’ll make everything okay. But I don’t. I stand here like a dumbass, without moving, without giving her any words of comfort.
“Do you want to sit somewhere?” she asks.
“Yeah, uh, I need to…” I’m scanning the area for a place to sit. I know the coffee place is out. Maybe we can go to a restaurant, but it’s gonna be smelly too. My body fills with dread at the whole not-knowing thing. I don’t know where to go, where to take her…
“Abel?” I focus on her. “We can sit over there. On the bench. It’s nice outside, don’t you think?”