“It’s fall. Fall’s great in New York,” I inform her like it’s the most important thing in the world.
She chuckles, softly and walks to the bench she pointed at. It’s a wooden thing, located outside of a deli. She takes a seat and looks up at me, gesturing me to do the same. Swallowing, I sit beside her.
A breeze wafts between us and my lungs fill with her sugary smell. If I’m not careful, I’m gonna embarrass myself and start smelling the line of her neck, where her scent is the thickest. I clear my throat and take a slight sniff of the air, anyway. Her smell isn’t as strong as I’d like, but it will do.
“Where did you go?” I ask, clearing my throat.
She gives me a meaningful look as she says, “Queens. Uh, Flushing.”
My eyes flare at her reply. I open my mouth to respond but I don’t know any words. I don’t fucking know how to talk.
“I didn’t know where else to go.”
I nod. Like a moron.
Then, I shift in my seat. When that doesn’t do anything to calm me down, I steeple my fingers together and dig my elbows on my thighs. Like I’m too weak to sit straight. Too weak to hold my head up high.
“I never thought to look there. I kept looking for you in the city. I never thought you’d even go there.”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? I went there because that place is special to you. I wanted to see where you grew up. I remembered your parents’ address from when you told me. I see their house every day on my way to work.” I frown at her in question. “I work at this bookstore up there. It’s pretty nice. They like me over there.”
I went there because that place is special to you.
It jacks up my heart, her statement. But I won’t pay attention to it. Won’t pay attention to my heartbeats. Her love for me was never the question, was it? It’s what I did with it. It’s how I crushed it, strangled it, threw it away.
“Well, fuck yeah, they like you. Why wouldn’t they?”
Her chuckle is watery. “I should’ve worked at a bookstore from the beginning. Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me. Working for Milo was a bust.”
I tighten my fingers together, almost crushing the bones. “A lot of things were a bust.”
Without volition, my eyes go to her flat stomach. I’m almost disappointed that it’s flat. I wanna see the bump, some indication that something I made, something we made is in there.
My baby.
She wrings her hands in her lap, looking up at me with frank eyes. “I got scared.” I whip my gaze to hers. “The night I went away, I knew I was pregnant. Well, I didn’t know for sure but I realized that I’d forgotten to take the pills and I felt it. Like, something moved inside my tummy.” She presses a hand on her stomach and my fingers, my very blood roars to cover it. “But you were so lost in everything. I didn’t know if you even wanted the baby. I didn’t know if you even wanted me. I thought… I thought I wasn’t enough for you. I thought I was your trophy, a possession and nothing more. I told Blu not to say anything. I just wanted to get away. I thought I was making everything worse for you. I kept thinking that if I wasn’t so mad myself, if I wasn’t so caught up in hurting my parents, maybe I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve stopped everything. I didn’t know what to do. I was so terrified.”
The very first thing my Pixie said to me on that bus long ago was that she wasn’t afraid of me. I think that’s when I knew that I was going to fall for this blue-eyed, yellow-haired girl. I knew she was going to own my heart and make me a fool.
She did.
But then I ruined it all. “I never wanted you to be scared of me. That was the last thing I wanted.”
“I know.” She nods as a tear streaks down her cheek. “I know you love me, Abel. But then I realized that I also wanted you to choose me. Those tapes, that room, whatever we did. I realized later that I was giving you my love and I wanted you to take it, and forget about everything else.”
She’s glowing right now, as she bares her heart. She’s shining like there’s light inside her. Tiny bulbs under the surface of her skin and all I can do is feel this giant fucking pain in my chest. A chasm of pain and regret and longing.
I look into her blue, beautiful eyes and make a promise. “I want you to know that nothing like this will ever touch our baby. I know I’ve broken promises before. I know that I broke your heart but I won’t break this one. This tiny heart inside you. Whatever I’ve done, whatever mistakes I’ve made, whatever mistakes I will make… nothing will touch our kid. I won’t let it. You have my word.”