Lost In Me (Here and Now 1)

“You think Mom would flip out?”

She shrugs. “It’s your wedding, Hanna. I think it’s more important you wear what you want.”

Maggie’s wedding dress fits like it was made for me.

“Oh, Han-Han,” Lizzy breathes. “It’s perfect.”

The A-line bodice accentuates my breasts while making my waist look small, and the basic bridal satin is covered with the most delicate organza I’ve ever touched. The satin bodice is heart-shaped, with only the organza continuing over my shoulders in wide, sheer straps.

“Do you want us to stay or do you want to be alone?” Maggie asks as I look at myself in the mirror. “Think about it for a little bit?”

I watch my reflection as I turn side to side. I’ve never felt so beautiful in my life as I do in this dress. So why does the idea of wearing it in three weeks make me want to weep?

“Can I have a few minutes?”

She nods and ushers Lizzy out of the room with her.

The bedroom has French doors that lead out onto a balcony overlooking the river. I unlock them and pull them open. Desperate for fresh air, I lift my skirt and step out onto the balcony.

I close my eyes as the breeze brushes through my hair. I concentrate on my breathing.

Everything is good. Everything is okay.

My mind scrambles through reassurances, but only one calms me—I don’t have to go through with this. If, in a couple weeks, the idea of marriage still panics me, Max would understand. Wouldn’t he? Or would I lose him for good? And what would my mom think? She’d be so embarrassed to have another daughter with another botched wedding. Maybe the Thompson girls are cursed.

“Hanna?”

I turn toward the voice to find myself face to face with Nate Crane.

His eyes take me in inch by inch, like he’s drinking in what he sees. Me. The dress.

“What are you doing here?” After last night’s memory, I’m simultaneously more drawn to him than ever and more wary of being near him. Stepping toward him is as instinctive as breathing, but I catch myself and stop. I clench my hands into fists at my sides. I want to smooth over the hurt between his eyes, to touch his cheek and feel the heat of his skin under my fingertips.

“You look…” His dark eyes scan over me again. “God, you’re so beautiful it hurts.”

Birds chirp happily and the sun warms my skin, and I hate myself for wishing I could be seeing him somewhere else. That I could be someone else.

“You probably shouldn’t be saying things like that to me.”

He must hear it, that brokenness in my voice, and he must care something for me, because he lets out this long, shaky breath, as if he’s as fucked up over all this as I am. “You’re really going to marry him.” It’s not a question. More like resignation.

I look down to my ring and remember Lizzy’s question. “Does it bother you not knowing what made you choose Max?”

Nate turns to the river and squeezes the balcony rail until his knuckles go white. “When you told me you had amnesia, I wanted to believe he tricked you into taking that ring.”

“Max wouldn’t do that.”

Nate cuts his gaze to me. There’s something in his eyes—a secret locked away—but he doesn’t disagree. “For the record, I knew this was how it would end. We both did. It’s the amnesia that fucks it all up. Makes this harder than it needs to be.”

“Max is perfect for me.” I say the words because I don’t know what else to say. I need to remind myself that I can’t have this man take me into his arms, no matter how desperately I want him to. Not when I chose Max. “And I’m going to tell him the truth. I’m going to tell him that I cheated on him.”

His face shifts, that sadness and resignation tightening, hardening into anger. “You didn’t cheat on Max.” He drags a hand through his hair, looking like he wants to throw something. “Jesus. Is that what he made you think?”

“He didn’t have to. I remember.”

He draws in breath in a sharp hiss. “Everything?”

“Bits. Pieces. Enough to know I was unfaithful.”