The Book of Manuals

12a. Because sometimes they complain about the same things we complain about, such as colds and rheumatism, and that way, we know they are people just like us.

14. Because they write romantic novels.

15. Because while our armies are invading other countries, they are staunchly engaged in carrying out their own private, inexplicable war on a

ll the cockroaches in the world.

16. Because they melt when they hear the Rolling Stones sing ‘Angie’.

17. Because they can happily go to work dressed like men, in their little suits, whereas no man would ever dare to go to work in a skirt.

18. Because in films – and only in films – they never take a shower before making love with their partner.

19. Because they always manage to find a convincing defect when we say that another woman is pretty, and thus leave us feeling uncertain about our good taste.

20. Because they take seriously everything that is happening in the private lives of celebrities.

21. Because they manage to fake orgasms as convincingly as the most famous and talented movie star.

22. Because they adore drinking exotic, brightly coloured cocktails with little umbrellas in them, while we drink our usual glass of whisky.

23. Because they don’t spend hours wondering how they’re going to get talking to the gorgeous man who just got on the bus.

24. Because we came from them, will return to them, and until then, we orbit ceaselessly around the female mind and body.

(I would add that we men love women because they are women. As simple as that.)

The professional crisis and its booby-traps

(Mario Rosa is one of the most intelligent people I’ve met. The following list is based on one of his books, The Achilles Syndrome.)

How it starts

1. Watch out for enemies: The crisis comes from outside, even though we sometimes think it’s only in our own souls. Some insignificant childhood incident can have major consequences in adult life.

2. The crisis is bent on destruction: However hard we try, romantically, to link the word ‘crisis’ to the word ‘opportunity’ (as the Chinese do), that is only possible when we are prepared for the unexpected. Since we rarely are, the crisis sweeps in and begins to destroy everything around us.

3. The truth doesn’t help: When my book The Zahir was published, a Russian dress designer announced in Moscow’s most popular newspaper that the story was based on our ‘love affair’ (the muse who inspired it was in fact Christina Lamb, a war correspondent for the English newspaper The Sunday Times). I was foolish enough to send a letter denying it. End result: anyone who hadn’t read the original story heard about it through my letter. And speculations were soon rife about how men, when their backs are to the wall, always claim innocence.

4. A problem, however small, can create a gigantic crisis: In Brazil, a charge of bribery brought against a director of the national postal service unleashed a whole series of accusations that affected various members of the government. In a marriage, a husband or wife coming home late from work can trigger all kinds of repressed emotions, which are then very difficult to contain.

5. Facts don’t count, what counts is the public’s perception of those facts: I know a girl whose family is always having a tough time of it, whose father hates her mother, and whose other family members fight like cat and dog – but they do so quietly. As long as the girl gets excellent grades at school, as long as the neighbours and ‘public opinion’ know nothing about the real situation, it will be assumed that everything is fine.

6. Everything becomes a deadly weapon: Since a crisis always involves a dialogue of the deaf, in which one party can’t hear what the other is saying, arguments become useless. If you say ‘I love oranges’, what the other person will hear is that you hate potatoes and are complaining because she served you a plate of French fries for supper.

7. A crisis always needs a symbol: It can be an institution like marriage, a profession, a business, religion, love, or a code of conduct. The person is only the instrument by which harm can be inflicted on that symbol.

Two ineffectual solutions

Once a crisis has begun, the worst possible ways to react are:

A. Ignore the problem. Maria knows that João, her husband, is about to be fired from his job, which will make it hard for the family to survive. However, since João doesn’t mention the matter, she pretends she doesn’t know.

B. Deny the problem exists. João, for his part, thinks that with the contacts he has made during his working life, he will get another opportunity, thus failing to acknowledge just how serious his situation is. He forgets one of the hardest rules of life, spoken by Jesus: ‘From him that has not shall be taken away even that which he has’. The moment he loses his job all those contacts will disappear, because João will have nothing to offer in exchange.

C. Refuse to ask for help. João and Maria have spent many years together, and know each other extremely well. João can only think of his problems, because a crisis absorbs all of a person’s energies. Maria might be able to help him, but, out of pride, he cannot share his difficulties. As a result, João, unable to think clearly, sinks further and further into his sea of troubles.

D. Lie or tell half-truths. One day, Maria screws up her courage and, as they about to go to sleep, asks if something is wrong. João answers: ‘I’m thinking of changing my job.’ Clearly, from a legal point of view, this could be said to be true – since João is about to be fired, he really is considering finding a new job. Maria says nothing more. The pressure in João’s mind grows, because he suspects that his wife knows something, but now that he has lied, he can no longer use the truth as a way of saving himself