The Book of Manuals

2. Even if we’re not in love with you, hearing the words ‘I love you’ is a balm to our souls. And if you don’t say it, we’ll notice and feel sad.

3. It’s the same with ‘you look lovely’. It takes only two seconds to say these three magic words, which are capable of transforming our nightmares into real fairy tales.

4. If we ask you what clothes we should wear, don’t get annoyed if we decide to wear exactly the opposite of what you chose; that’s just the way we are.

5. At a party, we are capable of scanning the whole room in less than a minute and deciding who looks interesting. Be warned.

6. We think about sex as compulsively as men, or even more so. The difference is that we don’t show it.

7. If we don’t immediately accept an invitation out to supper, don’t worry; we need a few days to lose the extra pounds we always feel are blighting our lives.

8. Women always remember everything. If you ask when we met, we won’t say: ‘at a party’. We will say: it was on a Tuesday, after a supper where we ate salad and chicken soup, you were wearing a black jacket and your shoes were made by…etc.

9. However much love we are capable of giving, there are seven days in the month when we want to be far away from everything and everyone. You have two options: tie yourself to the mast and wait for the storm to pass or go to the nearest jeweller’s and buy a present. We recommend the second option.

10. We are as capable of reasoning as a man, but we prefer not to show it, because that might make you feel insecure. Women who have failed to follow this advice in the past have ended up alone.

11. We love body hair on men, but waxing is our favourite form of self-torture.

12. We hate making love when we’re not in the mood, but we’ll do it anyway and you won’t even notice the difference.

12a. Play with our pets and our children and we will play with you. Ignore them and we will ignore you too.

14. Women are endowed with X-ray vision. We can look into a pair of hard, dark eyes and see the child behind them. We can fix on a pair of angelic blue eyes and see the devil lurking within. We know when men are pretending to be asleep and – even more obvious – when they’re pretending they haven’t been sleeping with someone else.

15. If we have a problem we want to discuss with you, don’t try to offer us a solution, because we already have one. It’s merely a way of trying to prevent our relationship dissolving into tedium.

Final statement:

Not all women want marriage and children; many want only orgasms and pets.

Never forget that.

Julia’s manual explaining why men love women

1. We men love women because they still think they’re adolescents even when they’re old.

2. Because they smile whenever they pass a child.

3. Because they walk down the street looking straight ahead and never turn round to say thank you or to return the smile or compliment they receive as they pass.

4. Because they are brazen in bed, not because they are naturally depraved, but because they want to please us.

5. Because they do all they can to keep the house looking neat and tidy, and never expect any thanks for the work they do.

6. Because they don’t read pornographic magazines.

7. Because they sacrifice themselves in the name of beauty, and submit to waxing, botox injections, and terrifying machines in gyms.

8. Because they prefer to eat salads.

9. Because they paint their faces with as much care as Michelangelo expended on the Sistine Chapel.

10. Because they want to know everything about their own appearance, but seek out other women to talk to and not bother us with such questions.

11. Because they have their own ways of solving problems, which we never understand and which drive us mad.

12. Because they are kind and say ‘I love you’ at precisely the moment when they are beginning to love us less, just to make us feel better.