The Insiders (The Insiders Trilogy 1)

I wanted him to growl, do his own firm pounding in me, swear. I wanted him rough and passionate. I hadn’t seen that side of him since before the party. That’s what I needed to move on and get over what happened. I needed him, just him.

So, after kicking the counselor to the curb, I was ready to complete my second task.

Make Kash Lose Control.

I met him at the door when he came home from a meeting.

He stepped inside, and a slight breeze grazed me before he shut the door.

He saw me, then stopped. A grin curved up. “What is this?”

I was standing in the entryway, holding a letter for him.

The air was turning hot again, sizzling. His eyes darkened the farther he got in the letter, until the end, and then he groaned. “Jesus Christ, Bailey.”

I knew what words he’d just read, and my throat was feeling raw.

I could only get a whisper out. “I mean it, every word of it.”

He was shaking his head even as he stepped toward me. “You have no idea.”

I countered with, “I might, actually.”

Another head shake, but another step. “No, you don’t. You don’t know how you looked in that van.”

I wet my lips. “So tell me. You have other things to tell me, too.”

I didn’t even care what he said. I just needed him to talk. And after a moment of silence, I thought he would ignore me. I thought it was like all the other times. He would reach for me, distract me, shut me out. But he didn’t.

He started slow at first, but he talked.

He talked about others. About me. About the event. About the aftermath. About what I should expect. But not about him. He never said a word.

“I can’t.” He looked away, his hands forming fists.

“Yes! You told me you had things to say to me, but you never did. You have to tell me. You have to let me in, too.”

I’d been aching for those words. He had no idea. There was a wall around him. He kept it in place between him and everyone, the world. I needed a peek behind it. I was desperate for it. If he lifted it up, or curled back a corner, I could do the rest. I would do the rest. I’d get in there, be my own Cyclone, and tear the rest of that wall down. I just needed an inch.

So I was going to force an inch now.

Stepping to him, closing the distance, my hand came to his chest. “Let me in, Kash.”

His chest shook under my touch, his breath sucking in, holding, then coming out in a sudden rush. Then he shoved away, turning, giving me his back.

He spoke, but he wouldn’t look at me.

“You want to know how I feel?” he bit out.

Why would he spit those words?

He started, harsh. “I fell in love with you before you even knew me. When your father asked me to watch you. After we found out Arcane was targeting you. It was then, during all of that time that you became mine. You just didn’t know.”

Those words should’ve been said beautifully. They weren’t.

He kept on, “I thought about walking away. I did.” His shoulders bunched under his shirt, stretching the material out. “It’s why I left, once you got to my villa. I had you somewhere safe—or I thought you were safe. I knew that what we were about to head into was going to be bad. It would be bad and there would be nothing I could do to shield you from it. Nothing.” He spun. His face was rigid. His hands in fists. His jaw was clenching. “You want to know what’s been eating me up every fucking night I’m inside of you, every morning when I see you sleeping, every time you send me a text that makes me laugh? Me. I am. I am leading you into a storm, and I will be lucky if you come out even half alive.”

He stepped toward me, his eyes burning and fierce.

“Because I won’t be. Because my grandfather is coming and he will kill me. Maybe not my body, but he will do what he did to my mother. And if you stay with me, stay here, then all that dark shit will come on you, too. I will destroy you. You might not know it. I might not even catch it, not at first. It might be slow, but it’ll be there. It’ll be gradual, until one day you wake up hating me.” His nostrils flared. “That’s what’s going on inside of me, every fucking time I want to tell you that I am completely in love with you.”

He spat it out. “Death. Darkness. Hatred. You stay with me, that’s what will happen to you.”

He stopped, looking down at me. His eyes were black, clouded over.