Dear Heart, I Hate You

“Sorry, I just don’t understand.”

“Me either,” I said sadly.

A rustling sound came from the background, and she said firmly, “I’m on my way.”

“I want to be alone.”

“I know you do. Be there in twenty.”

Groaning, I knew that arguing with Tami was no use. She’d just come over anyway whether I wanted her there or not. But the truth was that I needed her, and I was grateful for the times when she was more stubborn than I was.

“Thank you,” I said before hanging up.

• • •

I managed to hold in my emotions long enough for Tami to walk through my front door and take me in her arms. The second she hugged me, I allowed the tears I’d been holding back to fall.

“It’s okay,” she said, wiping my face for me.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” I said, hating how pitiful and whiny I sounded.

She walked into my kitchen, pulled out a bottle of wine, and opened it. With a full glass in each hand, she led me toward the couch in my living room and we settled in.

I took a sip as I waited for her to grill me like I knew she would. The lawyer in her would want as many facts as possible. The woman in her would too.

“Is he still online?”

I nodded. “That’s almost the worst part. Seeing that he was just active minutes ago, but knowing he isn’t responding to me.”

“What do you replay the most?” she asked, and I was lost. I had no clue what she was asking.

“Huh?”

“In your head. What memory do you see the most often?”

“Oh,” I said, thinking it was an odd question. “It’s the little things. Like the way he looked at me when he dropped me off at the airport after we first met. Or the way he introduced me to his family. How excited he got that I’d had his favorite bourbon here for him. Mostly the little reactions, bits of time. They twist me up inside.”

Tami stared at me as I spilled my guts onto the living room floor. I still had no idea why she’d asked that particular question. Maybe she was just curious. Or maybe this was the lawyer in her at work, putting together all the details to create a fuller picture in her mind. I had no idea.

“You said the rest of the weekend here was good, right? Nothing happened on the last day before he left?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“Nothing,” I said, then stopped short. “Except he got upset when he heard that I’d allowed someone else to take my clients out.”

“He got upset?”

“My clients wanted to make an offer on a house, and I told Ashley to go ahead and handle it. Cal didn’t like that.”

Tami smiled. “I can see that.”

“But it can’t be that. We were fine right after he left. He even mentioned wanting to come back out.”

“I don’t know, Jules, but I will tell you this. That boy was into you. He liked you. A lot.”

My heart warmed with her words, the heat slicing through the pain and softening it a little, giving me a reprieve. “You really think so?”

“I saw you two together. I took those pictures that I know are still on your phone. I know you can see the way he looks at you. And vice versa.”

“I thought we were happy. At least, I was. I know he lives across the country and it probably was going to end at some point, but I didn’t care about that right now.”