Dear Heart, I Hate You

“Did he know how you felt?” she asked before she took a long sip.

“We never even talked about the distance. It was this thing between us that neither of us ever brought up.”

Tami rolled her eyes. “That’s healthy.”

“I know, but it didn’t seem necessary to focus on it. In reality, we’d just met. What would be the point of talking about something neither of us was going to change?”

“Did you want to change it?” she asked.

“I don’t know. It was too new to think about something like that. I have no idea.”

“For as often as you guys talked, you really didn’t communicate well, did you?”

I shrugged. “I guess not. To be honest, I was scared to ask him certain questions.”

“You? Scared?” She all but guffawed at me as she lifted her drink.

“I know, it’s embarrassing. But there was a part of me that was terrified to hear his answers. What if he called things off? I wasn’t ready for that.” I winced as my thoughts sliced through me.

Tami’s expression softened. “I’m sorry, Jules. I know this is hard for you.”

“It’s just ironic. I didn’t want to ask him things to scare him away, but he’s still gone.”

“Finish your glass.” She pointed at my wine, and I downed it. “Time for something stronger.”

Leaving me on the couch, she headed back into my kitchen and mixed a concoction that was sure to leave me feeling horrible the next day.

“What is this?”

“A lot of vodka. A splash of cran. You’ll like it.” She laughed.

I took a sip and almost spit it all over my couch. “I need more cran. Seriously, Tami, how can you drink like that?”

“I’m a professional,” she said, her cheeks turning pink already.

“Why are you getting me drunk again?”

“So you’ll feel better.”

I rolled my eyes. “I think it makes it worse.”

Quickly, I reached for my phone. I typed out a text to Cal before Tami could ask me what I was doing, and before I could stop myself.

Jules: Where are you? Why aren’t you talking to me?

Tami’s eyes grew wide. “What did you just do?”

“Nothing,” I lied and put my phone under my butt.

“Do not text him!”

“Too late.” I shrugged as I waited for my ass to vibrate, signaling his response.

“Well,” she huffed, “don’t do it again.”

“How can he just ignore me? I mean it, Tami. How can he get texts from me and just act like I don’t exist?” I groaned and leaned back into the cushions.

“I don’t know. I have no idea what that boy is thinking.”