Until the Last Breath

“Are you serious?” I ask, and for some reason I feel breathless. But this time it’s not because of my lungs. No, it’s because of this sudden realization. I could go somewhere. I could travel.

“I’m not kidding,” he says, smiling smugly.

“Oh, my God!” I squeal, lunging forward to hug him. Max catches me in his arms and laughs. I want to hug him so damn hard right now, but then a rapid thought occurs.

I lean back to look him in the eyes. “What about John? Did you talk to him too?”

“Yeah…that’s the hard part.” He visibly winces and scratches the top of his head.

My smile drops and I pull away. “You didn’t talk to him?”

“No, but I wanted to. I don’t know. I guess I figured you could make your own decisions.” He grabs my hands, looking me hard in the eyes. “This is why I asked you to promise me you’d think about it. Because I know you will most likely ask or tell John and let him get to your head about a trip this big.”

“Well, I have to tell him. If I do decide to go and I don’t tell him he’ll freak out.”

“Trust me, I understand, Shannon. Listen, I’m not forcing you to come, and I won’t be upset if you reject. I could always give the tickets to Tessa and her fiancé if I need to, or someone else I know. But for what it’s worth, I think you deserve to go there. This was all you ever talked about for years and I’ve always wanted to be the one to take you there. Not him. Me. I promised it. I owe you this dream, Shannon.”

Our gazes latch. “Max…I—I don’t know if I can…”

“The decision is yours. Like I said, I can’t force you to do anything and I won’t be upset if you decide you don’t want to but think about it this way—John went to fulfill a dream of a lifetime. You should be able to do the same, no matter what kind of condition you’re in. You have the doctor’s permission. You have a recommendation for a doctor in Paris and I will hold myself accountable and make sure you attend every single checkup. Even Tessa thinks you should go. She wants this for you.” I look at the Lexus, at Tessa standing with her back against the car door, smiling with her phone glued to her ear. No wonder she’s been so chipper, so okay with going back home to Danny. Most times she’s putting up a fight, wishing she could stay longer. “We want this for you, Shakes. You deserve to have this.”

I lower my gaze. Wow. This is so, so hard. If I go to Paris, John will not be happy. He’ll never forgive me, especially if I go with Max of all people, a man he doesn’t know all too well.

“Just think about it.” Max grabs my shoulders, bringing me out of my thoughts. “It’s okay to be selfish for once. If anyone has the right to be selfish right now, it’s you. You have to stop worrying at some point and just live your damn life.”

And you want to know the crazy part? Max’s words played Ping-Pong in my mind for the rest of the day. Even when he was long gone and I was left in my bedroom, sitting in the cushioned round chair in front of the bay window with my cellphone in hand, it was all I could think about.

What if I called John and told him I was flying to Paris? Then what? He would never approve. He’d probably fly here first thing just to make sure I never left. He’d miss the competition all because of me. Even if I were as healthy as a horse, he wouldn’t allow me to go without him. He’d tell me to wait for him so that he could go too.

I stand, staring out the window and watching the setting sun. The splashes of pink and orange light up the sky, the clouds thick with hues of lavender.

What if I could see the sun set behind the Eiffel Tower? Up close and personal? Ride a bike in the city. Walk the city at night. What if…

I go to my nightstand, taking out the necklace Max gave to me and carrying it to the window. I squint one eye as I hold out the tiny tower in front of the sunset.

The necklace shimmers in the sunlight. It’s pretty, but it’s not the real thing. I lower my arm and sit in the chair, watching the sunset again.

Stay or go?

Leave or settle?

Live or die?

The last question is my pill of truth. Live or die. That question makes the answer so simple. I’m going to die anyway. Might as well go out with a bang.