“You’re saying you don’t play blocks with her?”
“Not for hours on end, no.” She laughed.
“I like playing with her. I—” I didn’t take my eyes off the road, even as my breath caught. “Daddy?”
I’d thought the word so many times but hearing it from Aspyn’s lips as we talked about the future was something else entirely.
“Yeah. What of it? You are her daddy.”
My hands tightened around the steering wheel. “But she doesn’t know that.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Aspyn sighed. “I guess …”
“I’ve proven I’m not going anywhere.” I did my best to keep any anger out of my voice, but my words still came out harshly.
“I know, I know.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I guess it’s hard to figure out the best way to tell her.” She looked over her shoulder. Kadie was still fast asleep.
“Just tell her,” I said. “It’s not like she has someone else she thinks is her daddy. Unless you don’t want to tell her for some reason.”
Aspyn winced and quickly shook her head. “I didn’t at first, but now things are different. No matter what else happens, she deserves to know.” She looked out the window. “You tell her tonight. At dinner. I think it’ll be better if it comes from you.”
I nodded slowly but didn’t say anything.
No matter what else happens.
Those words lingered in the back of mind. My future as Kadie’s daddy might be secure, but my future with Aspyn wasn’t. Talking to her about it then was a bad idea. There was still too much tension over Kadie hanging over us.
I kept my eyes locked on the road, doing my best to ignore the screaming from the back of my head.
You screwed it up, Alex. It’s too late. You ghosted her, and she’ll never truly forgive you. Pussy.
Nothing but self-destructive guilt. I knew that. I didn’t need to go talk to a headshrinker to have him tell me that.
Too bad knowing and feeling aren’t the same thing.
* * *
I picked up a forkful of creamy macaroni and cheese and downed it. I made a face at Kadie, and she giggled before swallowing her own bite.
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t put anything crazy in here,” I said. We’d been discussing some funny videos we watched on YouTube where people reacted to strange recipes they had seen on TV.
Aspyn grinned. “Yeah, I saw this one video where this woman was putting brussels sprouts in her macaroni and cheese. Who does that? She was from Connecticut, so maybe it’s some crazy Yankee thing.”
I grimaced, and my stomach twisted at the thought. “Mac and cheese is mac and cheese, not mac and brussels sprouts.”
Kadie made a funny face. “No sprouts in my mac!”
We all laughed together.
I felt something then, something I’d never felt in my entire life, even when I’d gotten my scholarship and my father was still alive, complete and total satisfaction.
All those years I’d been searching for something to fill the hole in my soul. I’d tried women. I’d tried booze. I’d tried overworking myself to exhaustion.
It wasn’t ev
en just Aspyn or being a daddy but the whole experience. I wanted a family. I needed a family.
I gobbled down some more bites, watching quietly while Aspyn traded some jokes with our daughter. So happy. So carefree.