"Where were you going?" I asked. She didn't answer. "Why did you leave?"
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything before going."
"That's not what I asked you," I said. She finally looked at me. Her eyes shone like she was going to cry, but she wasn't. Yet.
"Where was I going? Home would have been ideal but generally as far as I could get from here had been the plan. Clearly, it didn’t work."
"Why?"
"Because of last night, Cameron," she said as I got up and walked to the kitchen. She started again when I came back with two mugs of coffee for us. "I've been attracted to you since getting here. Since before that even. I thought that keeping my distance while we were stuck up here would mean being able to control myself, and for a couple nights, it did.
"I asked you to come to bed to me, and I shouldn't have. It was unprofessional, and I feel horrible about it." Horrible: definitely hadn't heard that after sex. "Not because of you," she added quickly, probably seeing my reaction. "I felt bad because I shouldn't have done it. It's tacky and unprofessional, and it blurs the lines where everything should be cut and dried and orderly."
"Natalie, it's not a big deal. You aren't going to get into trouble for this. Nothing illegal or skeevy happened. It isn’t even against company rules. I'm attracted to you too. I would have made a move earlier if I had thought you were interested."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. Since the first time I saw you in the office, Natalie. I think you're beautiful." She looked at me silently, and it felt like a long time before she said anything.
"Thank you. I think you are too. Handsome, I mean, not beautiful. I mean you are, but…" she trailed off. Her face was bright pink. She was still uncomfortable.
"Don’t feel sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I felt like," another pause. "I felt dirty after what we did. Not because of you; because of me. You were sweet, and sexy and... attentive." Her face turned an even deeper pink when she said the last word. I knew she was uncomfortable, and I felt sorry for that, but I couldn’t lie and say it wasn’t a little fun watching her squirm. At least she wasn’t sitting there saying she wasn’t attracted to me because her whole demeanor was giving her away. She was attracted to me; she just didn’t want to be anymore.
"After everything, when we were done, when I came back to my senses, I felt so guilty. I remembered where we were; why you had come here, everything that’s happened the past few weeks. and I felt like I took advantage of you. It hasn't even been a month since the funeral."
"Took advantage of me? I wanted you, Natalie. I wouldn’t have waited ‘til last night at all if I had thought you would have given me a chance earlier. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I could hardly get to sleep last night when we went back to bed thinking about how I showed up here and ruined your little winter utopia, then threw myself at you like that. I'm sorry. I freaked out. I should have said something instead of trying to leave. I felt so trashy going after my boss' son. I just panicked."
"It's okay, Natalie. Really. Nobody at work is going to think any different of you after this."
"You don't know that," she said. She had a point. I didn't know anything that had happened at the office lately. It wasn't like we had talked while we had both been there. I didn't know what it would have been like for her to have rumors about her sex life discussed by her colleagues. Not good, I supposed. Embarrassing, probably. Whatever it would be like, she didn't want to find out.
"Nobody's going to find out," I told her. "Unless you or I tell anyone, and I'm not going to if you don't want me to."
"I'm sorry for giving you the wrong message last night," she said. Ouch. I had been there last night. I had heard her moan and beg and felt her come when I had been inside her, twice. That wasn't true. The message had been loud and clear, and I felt the same way. She might have felt bad afterward for doing it, but that didn't mean she hadn't wanted me as much as I wanted her.
So what, are you going to fight her on this? I thought. Make her admit that she wanted it? Like that would work. She was upset about what happened. She thinks she made a terrible mistake and perhaps many people would agree and say that she had. I don’t think many people thought sleeping with your boss’ son was a good move, even if the boss was dead and the son had wanted to fuck you practically since you’d met.
Arguing about it wasn't going to make her feel better. And what would making her agree that she had enjoyed herself do? She knew that she had, and it wasn’t like I was trying to spare my feelings. It was a weird situation, and at the end of the day, the reason why didn’t even matter that much. All that mattered was she didn’t want it to happen again, and whatever I thought, I had to respect that.
"I get it if you think we shouldn't have hooked up last night, but I know what I felt." She didn't bother arguing with that. "Do you regret what you feel or what you did?"
"What I did," she said quietly, "and the timing; that could have been better. And the circumstances. I can't help what I feel."
"If I wasn't me and my parents weren't dead..." and she didn't feel this fear about what other people would think of her, and she stopped thinking she was taking advantage of me, and she could just let go and be honest with what she felt…
"I wish things were different, but they aren't. I don't feel right pursuing anything further. Last night was great, it was amazing, but it can't happen again." Not with that attitude, I thought, cynically. It wouldn't have worked trying to convince her. You didn't get a person to sleep with you by wearing them down. She wasn't budging.
"Just for the record, I enjoyed our time together last night too, but if you're uncomfortable, I can go back downstairs, if you feel like that would make you feel better."
"It would make me feel better. Sorry," she apologized again.
"It's okay," I told her. And it was. Spending the next couple nights on the couch was not about to kill me. I'd survive that. I was just sorry that she felt so uncomfortable with what had happened last night. Knowing that it just wasn’t realistic for me to think about this turning into something serious didn’t make the rejection sting any less. I still wanted her, but oh well, back to sitting on my hands and taking cold showers.
"Can I just say, I don't think anybody has ever said that they felt dirty after having sex with me." I had said it lightly which made her laugh a little.