He looks at me pointedly, and shame washes over me.
“I’m sorry. You lost him, too: just as much as I did. Sometimes I forget that.”
“Mal, I’m probably the only person in the world who knows what you’re feeling. You think I haven’t blamed myself? Hell, I have. I’ve had years of therapy to help me work through the survivor’s guilt that’s wrapped around me.”
“You have?”
“I have.”
“That’s so hard for me to understand,” I admit. “I mean, when I look at you, you’re so...”
“Dashingly handsome, I know.”
“Put-together,” I say. “I don’t look at you and think, wow, here’s a guy who’s seen some shit. I look at you, and I think you know exactly who you are and where you’re going.”
“Well, thank you,” he tells me. “I’ve worked hard to develop that part of my personality.”
“You miss him, don’t you?”
“Every day,” Aaron sets his fork down and looks over at me. “He knew about me, you know: about what I like.”
“Daddy Domming?”
“Yeah. He never judged me for it.”
“I’m probably going to regret asking this, but did my brother...you know...”
“Was he into kink?”
“Yeah.”
“A little,” Aaron shrugs. “But we didn’t talk about that part of ourselves too much. We were young, and honestly, we were still both trying to figure out what we liked and what we didn’t. Neither one of us had ever done anything wild, you know, like been to a sex club.”
I chuckle a little at the idea of my brother as a Dom.
“I always figured he was kind of straight laced,” I say.
“Matthew loved life,” Aaron says. “He loved living. He made every day special.”
“Yeah. He did, didn’t he?”
I think it’s the most beautiful way someone has ever described my brother. He really did always work hard to make the days lovely and beautiful. He always went above and beyond to try to make things shine.
“He did.”
“So...” Dinner forgotten, I reach for the wine again. My glass is almost empty, and I finish it. Aaron looks at my wine glass and raises an eyebrow.
“Would you like some more, princess?”
“Yes, please.”
“So polite,” he smiles. He presses a kiss to my forehead as he gets up to grab the wine, and I wiggle a little in my seat. I like that. I like the forehead kisses, and the hugs, and the gentle way he looks at me like I’m special to him. I like all of t
hat. Fuck, I like it so very much.
And is it wrong that I want to blurt out the truth to him?
Is it weird that I want to say hey, Aaron, I’ve actually never had sex before because I’ve been too scared to fall in love?