"I know what is going through your head right now. You are an anxious ball of nerves and questioning everything. You are edgy. Your fingers are tingly. You have too much adrenaline pumping through you. It is normal to feel that way." I nodded, ashamed. It was like he was in my head. "And," he added, leaning in closer, "if you actually meant what you said, we would not be here right now."
I rolled my lips between my teeth and bit down, pushing the tears back. "You're right… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Do not apologize. In all fairness, I have given you reasons to doubt me, but never when we are coach and gymnast. I have given you my all and more because I believe in you. I hope you can see that."
I tilted my face to the side and listened to his voice. "I can."
Kova nodded and handed me my jacket.
"I can't wear that right now. I'm sweating." He laughed, and I laid it on top of my bag. "Do you really mean that, though? That I did excellent today?"
"You should know by now I do not sugarcoat. I would not say it if it were not true." He placed his hand on my knee and I turned to face him. "You are a performer and you blew me away today, but you have since the season started. If the judges and head coaches for the team do not see that, then I have lost faith in the sport. You deserve to be on the national team. You gave it everything, and if we were not in front of hundreds o
f people, I would show you exactly how I truly feel and pull you in and kiss you right now. You radiate with a glow that draws me in in ways I cannot explain."
"Coach…" I kept my voice low, fearful someone could hear.
He put a hand up and waved me off. "I am sorry. I know it is wrong of me, but it is what I feel inside right now. I am enamored with every part of you—mind, body, and soul. I am addicted to the way your body takes over when you are under pressure and perform. I cannot tear my eyes from you. You are going places, Adrianna Rossi, and I wish I could be there with you every step of the way."
I shook my head, not understanding. "What are you talking about? You will be there."
His lips turned down and it caused a twinge in my chest. "Not forever."
I closed my mouth as realization set in. Time passed painfully slow, my emotions a disastrous mess I couldn't make sense of. Tears burned the back of my eyes and I struggled to steady my breath. Kova was, once again, right. He wouldn't be there forever as my coach, and despite all our grievances, I didn't want to fathom that. There were no two people as in sync as us, and moving further apart. It wasn't fair.
We sat together in silence as the meet finished. The announcer’s voice thundered across the gym with directions for the coaches and athletes.
Kova's throat bobbed as he swallowed. "Come on. Let us go and wait as the final scores are tallied."
I nodded, and picked up my gym bag and slung it over my shoulder. After sitting for the last hour, my body had time to decompress and the weight of the day set in. Everything was tight and the pain under my ribs was back. I drew in a quiet breath and applied pressure to my side. Clenching my eyes shut, I prayed the pain would go away and accidently stepped into Kova.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Oh, ah, yeah. I was just yawning and tripped," I lied.
I followed closely by his side, purposely not looking at the scoreboard. The last time I viewed it, I was still in the top eight, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
We joined the other coaches and gymnasts. Kova patted my back, giving me words of encouragement and praise for my effort. The chatter grew louder, as did the pounding in my temples. Stars danced in my vision, either a sign of dehydration or stress. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out a bottle of water and took a large swallow.
Heavy clapping reverberated throughout the arena. I looked around in confusion, then I spotted the head of the women's USA team, Elena Lavrov, walking onto the gym floor in her usual red, white, and blue sweats. My heart stopped and I automatically grabbed Kova's hand. He gave me a reassuring squeeze without looking and then released it.
Elena was an iconic figure, a legend in the gymnastics world, renowned for her ability in training and keen eye. Born in Romania but now a citizen of the United States, she was known for taking drastic measures to be the absolute best.
The flat-screen televisions overhead were now blank in preparation to list all of the national team members. The noise in the room died down. This was the moment we’d all been waiting for.
I placed my bag and water by my feet and took a deep breath, trying to steady my emotions. I used the back of my hand to wipe the little beads of sweat from my top lip, then I tightened my ponytail. This woman, who was all of five-foot-five, wielded so much power. She was the scissors who cut dreams in half, and the super glue that bonded them forever.
Taking the mic, Elena spoke with a heavy Romanian accent almost too thick to understand. I leaned forward as if it would help me hear her better.
"Today, we had a tremendous outcome with many fine and extremely talented gymnasts. Your dedication to the sport, and yourselves, shows no bounds. You all are the best of the best and should be very proud of your accomplishments." Elena paused, her eyes bouncing over the gymnasts. "For some of you, today marks the end of the season. Do not be discouraged. Never give up on what you believe in or what you dream of, because then you are giving up on yourself, and that would be a tragedy." She smiled and I felt it in my chest. "Take a moment and look around this room. Four of you will go on to represent the United States at the next Olympic Games."
Applause broke out, then quickly dissipated.
"Everyone wants to come out on top, but remember, at the Games, gymnastics is a team sport. If you are chosen today, you are chosen for what is best for the team and your country. Whether that be an All-Around competitor or a Specialist, or an alternate, either way, consider it an honor. Gymnastics is based on a system where you amass points for difficulty, then execution. We want the highest level of gymnasts inspiring each other to do more, to gain that top spot on the podium." Elena held up her index finger. "You must remember, this is not just about winning. We all want to win. This is about how much more you are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the team and yourself. How much you are willing to give up, to reign supreme as a whole. It is not about what you do, but how you do it. This is only the beginning, my girls."
The arena was in complete silence as she unfolded a piece of paper in her hands. Pandemonium was about to break out, both tears of joy, and tears of downright soul-crushing defeat.
Everything I had worked for depended on this moment. Everything.