Mental blocks. Anxiety. Overthinking. A gymnast’s worst nightmare.
I exhaled a deep breath. I hated when I did this and reminded myself that I had one thing a lot of gymnasts didn't have—a supportive coach who would never put my well-being at risk if he thought I didn't have what it took.
Smiling to myself, I counted my blessings.
Too late to turn back now, I mounted the beam and surrendered myself to the sport.
* * *
Stepping onto the podium for my last routine of the meet, I was unstoppable and focused.
This was it.
After owning beam and making it my bitch, anxiety was no longer an issue. I turned vision into victory and conquered the obstacle of self-doubt. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by tackling every fear plaguing me.
As soon as my feet touched the blue carpet, I was on a different level mentally—confident and passionate as I sashayed across the floor in graceful movements. I put as much passion as I could into this sport that had captivated my heart from a young age. The chalk became my shimmer and I floated effortlessly, hitting all my required skills, remaining fluid and light as a silky ribbon on floor as I had been on the balance beam.
Stepping down the stairs, I high-fived Kova and went in for a quick hug.
"There was one tumbling pass where you came dangerously close to stepping out of bounds and a double turn where you came out a little too early, but overall I am not concerned," he said.
Hot as hell and breathing heavily, I nodded in agreement. I propped my hands on my hips and waited. I could tell he felt good and that relieved me, but just knowing the smallest mistake could cost me everything was still always a thought in the front of my mind.
"I almost completely fell out of the turn. I don't know how I didn't, to be honest. My hips were so off-centered, I could feel it. Did I take too many pauses? Were they long? How were my leaps? Did I look like a stiff robot?" The corner of his mouth tugged up on one side and his eyes shone down on me. "I almost changed my last tumbling pass," I blurted out.
His brows bunched together. "Of course, I am glad you did not, but what happened?"
Panting, I shook my head. "I don't know. It was like this exhaustion took over me and it would've been easier to downgrade, but in those few seconds I had, I knew I'd regret it if I did."
"You are done and it is out of your hands. No more stressing. You were incredible today, Adrianna. You gave it your all. Regardless of what happens, this is possibly the best day of my life. You made coaching very rewarding."
My shoulders sagged and a smile of gratitude tipped my lips.
Turning around, I dug through my duffle bag for my sweats. My throat was taut with the emotion I'd blocked out and the adrenaline was feeding my blood. The months leading up to this day, the struggle, the climb, it all came down to this afternoon and the work I’d just put in, but also the dedication of my coaches. They were my backbone, especially Kova.
"Yeah!" Kova erupted behind me. "Bud' ya proklyat. Vote to da!"
I spun around and immediately looked up at the screen for my name. I stood in shock, unable to form words or even blink. My brain was a pile of mush. I couldn't think straight while I stared at the numbers like they were roman numerals and I was trying to remember which one meant what.
I didn't anticipate a maximum score after the few errors I knew I made, but I also didn't expect it to be that good either. I was in the lead, but only by a tenth of a point. The only event I wasn't first in was beam, but that didn't shock me.
Kova spun into me with a hug and pulled back just as quickly. My face lit up and I laughed through a smile. His tongue was rolling with Russian words I didn't understand and his entire face was bursting with joy.
"What do you have to say?" he asked.
"Ahh, ahh… I don't know. I'm just shocked right now. Is this real life?"
I covered my face with my hands and smiled, feeling so giddy over this moment. I glanced up at the standings again in disbelief. There were still a few rotations left for the gymnasts who'd started after I had, but I held my head high with hope.
Taking a seat, I leaned over and placed my elbows on my knees, and stared at the floor. I clasped my hands together and took in this accomplishment. I was a little deep in my emotions and wanted to remember this moment without the flashing of lights and cameras everywhere. Within the next hour I'd know if I had made the national team.
"Adrianna," Kova said, taking a seat next to me. He placed a hand on my back. "Have faith and trust me. What you did today was nothing less than extraordinary."
I looked at him. "I trust you as my coach, but you know I can't blindly trust you. Trusting you has gotten me nowhere."
A shadow crossed his eyes and remorse instantly filled me. I wasn't sure why I said that. It was cruel and just as soon as it left my lips, I regretted it. He'd given me everything I'd asked for in the gym, but the word trust and the name Kova didn't mesh well together and grated under my skin.
"I'm sorry."