"I know children is a deal breaker for some," he says. "I feel like it's better to get that out and in the open first and go from there."
I peer up at him. "Is it strange that I'm okay with not having kids?" I'm surprised by how okay I am with the idea. "Women are expected to want to start a family when they get married, but I never had the desire to. For the longest time I felt ashamed for not wanting children. It doesn't mean I don't like kids, or that I'm too selfish or inadequate to have them. I just never really considered having them, I guess because it wasn't high on my list." I pause, then ask, "Does that bother you?"
"I think people want it both ways. You see the pros and cons and want both. Do I want you to reason with me about having kids so I feel like maybe you do want our child? Yes. I'm a man, and I want you to have my kids, but I’m also relieved you don’t."
I muse over our conversation, my fingers drawing squiggly lines on his chest.
"I want kids, but I don't. I think I'm leaning toward the cool aunt title more than anything, I just don't have any siblings to make me one." I stop and think about Natalie and how she's basically my sister and could make me a cool aunt. But I have a hard time seeing her ever having kids. I chuckle. "I'm trying to picture Natalie with kids. I don't know why it makes me laugh. I feel like kids would run her life, not the other way around."
James grins and rubs his eyes with the heel of his hand. He doesn't realize that I caught the s
park in his eyes at the thought of becoming a grandfather. "That'd be something."
I think about it more. Would I feel like I'm missing out on something? As a woman, yes, but as a person, no. Maybe we could just get a dog one day and be dog parents.
Glancing at James's chest, I trace the black lines of the lion's mane with my acrylic nail, pulling on some of his chest hairs. "I don't think I'd feel any sort of loss or longing if I don't have kids. I do a little now, but I think that's because I've accepted what I’ve been thinking about all along. It's just once you actually speak about something, it makes it feel more real than anything."
"Look at me," he says, and I shoot my eyes up to his. I can see the legitimate worry plaguing his eyes. "Tell me you're not going to resent me for not having kids."
I do better. I lean in and give him a hard kiss, then I look at him. James cups my hair and fists it in his hand. "I will not resent you," I say slow and clear. "And if I ever change my mind, I'll tell you."
"Good, because I don't think I could live with it." He blinks a few times, still holding on to me. "If you see a future with me, does that future involve us getting married?"
My heart drops and I roll onto my back. I had a gut feeling this topic was coming soon. James has been much more lovey and hands-on and attentive, showing me exactly how he feels. I'd wondered what changed for him or if it was because he'd been considering marriage at some point. Now that I think about it, when James had opened up to me about his previous marriage to Nat’s mom, that was the extent of the marriage talk we’d had.
I'm a little nervous to tell him, though. I love James and don't want to upset him if we're on different pages. I know in my heart I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I'm connected to someone, or to vow my love for them. What James and I have is real, whether I'm legally his wife or not. To me, it's all the same. Most people think the point of a relationship is to get married, but it's not. Some people reach a deeper connection because of that paper, while others find it pointless to have that label when nothing is changing.
"I hope you know I only ever want to be with you. I just don't think we need a piece of paper to prove we're committed to each other."
As soon as the words leave my lips, I hold my breath.
Fuck. This is harder to talk about than whether or not I wanted kids, and talking about that terrified me. This is making my stomach twist into knots while I wait to hear his response. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not going to lie to him either. This is a conversation of truth.
I should've made sure we brought the cognac in before we came inside. Who knew James was going to get all serious with me right after giving me the best orgasm of my life?
My lips are flattened. My lungs ache from holding my breath. I'm worried I may have made a huge mistake, but I couldn't lie either and give him false hope. Not over something like this. He's asking about marriage, not which restaurant I want to dine at.
James is staring. He's thinking too deep and it’s making my stomach cramp from anxiety. I can see the wheels spinning in his mind, and I don't like it.
"You don't want to get married? Is that what you’re saying?"
My teeth dig into my bottom lip. "Yes," I say quietly. "I don't want to get married."
His brows deepen the longer he studies me. His eyes though… the crystal blue are sharper than broken glass. It cuts my heart in half seeing James hurt.
I feel this large shift between us opening up. James isn't happy, and his lack of response is spreading the gap wider. My heart thumps in my throat and my stomach is a rotating disaster the longer he stays quiet.
"You don't want to get married," he repeats, a statement this time instead of a question. All I can do is shake my head while I look into his eyes full of disbelief.
James pulls away to sit up and my biggest fear is brought to the center of us. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to look away from me but I can still see his eyes. My pulse skyrockets in my neck. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I watch as his eyes scan the space around us like he's looking for an answer. He wasn't prepared for my response, and I wasn't ready for his.
With his back to me, I can feel this distant energy burning inside of him. A nauseating feeling slithers through my veins leaving me unsure of us now.
"James," I say, sitting up and reaching for him.
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I scoot closer to him and hug him from behind. He grabs my wrist like he's prepared to tell me to stop so he can get up and walk away. I feel it, and when he tightens his hold, my thoughts are confirmed. Only, he doesn't move. Relief exhales from my lungs and I close my eyes resting my head on his back.
We're quiet for a moment. His hurt over my refusal is felt tenfold and it makes me feel so guilty. I love James, the last thing I want to do is upset him.