"Just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean I don't want to be with you."
"It does, Aubrey," he says, and he shakes me off to stand.
My heart plummets with my fucking jaw. I don't like the tone he used, like he's aggravated with me.
"I just don't want that piece of paper between us. It always ruins a good thing," I say, my voice urging him to understand me. I climb to my knees and pull the sheet around me.
James remains quiet. His silence lengthens the tension and it only makes this that much worse. He doesn't turn around to look at me. He just folds his hands behind his head and arches his back until his muscles are straining.
"You really think that's what breaks up a good thing? Sweetheart, you're smarter than that."
James's back flexes as he speaks to me. Dread fills my veins fearing the worst.
"You're mad at me," I whisper.
He looks over his shoulder at me and I'm speechless. "You are mad," I state.
"Yeah, I fuckin' am. I want you as my wife, Aubrey, and I thought you wanted it too."
Nine
"Why can't we just leave what we have alone and not jinx it?"
He shakes his head in annoyance and looks away. "Who says we're going to jinx anything?"
I blink, a little hesitant to proceed. The last thing I want is to get into an argument over this while we're on vacation. One he surprised me with at that.
"I'm just worried we're going to ruin a good thing with a piece of paper that in the long run means nothing. I love you, James, and no piece of paper, or lack of one, is going to tell me any different. I've read countless stories about how people change before the ink even dries. I'm not saying that would happen with us, but I don't want to chance it either. Isn't what we have good enough?"
"No, it's not. Good enough is knowing you're mine in every sense of the way. Peace of mind. Peace of heart."
I deflate. How could he not know I’m his in every sense of the way already? "But you already know I am. What's the paper going to do?"
"It signifies that you're mine and I'm yours in the eyes of the law and everyone."
"Why does it matter what the law or anyone else thinks? Shouldn't the only thing that matters is how we feel?"
"I want to be able to call you my wife."
My heart melts for this man. "So, you still can," I tell him. I'd love it if he did.
James shakes his head. "It's not the same thing and you know it, Aubrey." He sounds like he's been defeated, and it kills me. "You won't have my last name."
"It's the twenty-first century. A lot of women don't take their husband's name anymore."
"Call me old school. I'd like to introduce you as my wife and not my live-in girlfriend. I want you to have my last name. I want to marry you. There's a security behind the marriage, you know."
I'm taken aback by his brash tone and increasing bite in his voice. I thought we already had security. Never once did I second-guess us. I exhale slowly, trying not to allow the hurt to take over completely because he's offended that I don't want to marry him, but I can’t help that it does. We're both passionate people, so the hurt we're feeling spreads to anger, and that's not a good thing for us. Neither of us likes to back down.
"You can't possibly think there's a security behind marriage after your last marriage." I spit out before I could stop myself. I clench my eyes shut and wince, regretting it.
James's arrogant chuckle under his breath causes chills to run down my arms. "How'd I know you'd say something like that."
It was immature of me to use that against him. We don't have the same relationship he had with his ex-wife and it's wrong of me to ever use that against him.
Standing up, James walks over to the dresser and yanks the drawer open to pull out a pair of gym shorts. He steps into them then slams the drawer shut with his knee and levels a quiet stare at me. He's waiting for me to change my mind. My heart is cracking down the center the longer the silence spans between us. The truth is, I can't give him what he wants.
I remain quiet. The guilt is eating away at my stomach.