I nodded, a creepy smile on my face.
Her mouth formed into an O. “Whew!” She blew out a loud breath, fanning her face. “Did you touch it?” she asked in a whisper.
I burst out laughing. She was so cute. “No.”
“And you guys didn’t have sex, right? I mean you don’t have to touch it to have sex.” Her nose twitched. “I’m sure of it. I mean I’m in college and I’m still a virgin, but I’m pretty knowledgeable about these things. We’ve researched enough of it, you and I. So”—she took a breath—“you guys didn’t…?”
I shook my head, feeling my face grow hot. “It’s funny, you know, when we talk about sex and blowing a guy’s brains out because, you know, we’re so hot, but when faced with it in real life, it’s…it’s pretty scary.”
“I wouldn’t know. Tell me, tell me, tell me.” She bounced. “Wait. You mean his massive penis scared you, right? That’s what you mean?”
“No, Tal! You shithead.” I barked out a short laugh. “Well…I guess, yeah. I mean, come on. No pun intended.”
I waggled my brows and she laughed.
“But that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s like…” I paused, gathering my thoughts. “Sharing your body with someone…it doesn’t feel like it’s just your body you’re giving to him. It’s your heart and mind and soul. Your vulnerabilities, your trust, the entirety of who you are—you’re giving him all of that. You’re entrusting all that to him and believing and hoping that he will cherish it and not use it to destroy you. And knowing that, once you have, you can never get back that part of you ever again. And it’s terrifying.”
“That was so deep. I love it. And yes, I know what you mean,” she said. “Are you really falling for Mr. Complicated and Mysterious?”
I rose, grabbed another beer. My throat felt dry. I finished half the bottle, wiped my mouth on my sleeve, and said, “I think I don’t want to be in love with him.”
“But why?”
I glared at her. She was already on Team Cameron. I could see it in her eyes. “Maybe I was just caught up in the moment. The rain, his confession, the kiss, the man—it was perfect. Maybe I’m just infatuated.”
“He scares you, doesn’t he? Because he’s already gotten under your skin and you can’t get him out even if you wanted to. He’s like a tick. The more you try to pull out those fuckers, the more they burrow.”
I laughed without humor, drank more beer. “He wanted me to trust him, not ask him any questions and just trust him, then he left. Without a word. How the hell does that translate to you are important to me? I’m not asking him to spill his life story to me, although I want that, yes. But I just need him to…trust me too. It’s a two-way street. He’s asking me to trust him when he can’t do the same thing for me.”
I sighed with exasperation, walked to her bed, and sat. The blanket covering her bed was blue. Very, very close to the shade of blue of his eyes. I wanted to burn it. I wanted to hug it.
“It’s my fault for getting hurt this way. I thought…after he said all those things to me about wanting to protect me, that I’m important to him, that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me and that he’s never felt this way before about anyone and he’s scared he’ll screw it up. What was I supposed to think? What’s all that mean? But it’s my fault because I believed him, and I expected so much, built it all up in my head.”
She shook her head. “Don’t be stupid, Kar. I have three kids and a big-ass mansion and I’m pregnant with our fourth kid with my crush. And he doesn’t even know I exist. And Mr. Complicated just pretty much confessed his feelings to you. If I were you, I’d have already picked out the venue for our wedding and where we’re going for our honeymoon. But that’s just me.” She winked. “You can’t blame yourself for thinking all these things after what he told you.”
I let out a laugh. “I love you.”
“I love you too, girlfriend. I think you do tend to have really strong reactions, but it’s who you are. And if you’ve dished out your worst at him already and if he comes back, you know he’s the one.”
“Where are you getting all this good advice from anyway? Did you have a secret marriage I didn’t know about?”
“All those Asian drama shows I’ve been watching trained me to be a master. I don’t have a love life, so I live vicariously through them.” She waggled her eyebrows. “You know what I think?” she continued, sitting beside me on the bed. “He has some complicated issues he needs to take care of before he can be with you. Who knows? I think you’ve met your match, Kar. Of course it won’t be easy. Did you expect it to be? You’d take it for granted if it were. You’ve been working so hard all your life that I don’t think you’ll welcome anything easy.”
I frowned, digesting her words. “I think…he’s going to break my heart if I give him more.”
“Then let him fix it again. Isn’t that part of falling in love?”
If it was, I wanted no part of it. I knew this because the week passed without a word from him.
If and when I saw him again, he’d better start praying.
Chapter 22
Kara
It had been two weeks since I’d seen him last. Two long weeks of exhaustion. I had thrown myself into work, accepting shifts left and right, asking my coworkers if they needed me to cover their shifts at the nursing home. I did my assignments and even aced a couple of my exams. Yay, me!
He was practically nonexistent to me. He was like my sneakers. I knew I was wearing them all day, but I never noticed them. They were just a part of my body. And I didn’t even really think about them until I took them off at night.