Little Cat

When she saw me, though, it was like she froze for a second. I caught that even though we were still pretty far apart. That was when she got this ‘fuck you’ look in her eyes. She kept walking the same way, looking over the top of my head. I could feel my tongue going dry. I stood where I was and waited for her to get to me. My thighs felt stiff. I didn’t know why I was swallowing so hard.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to tell her what I was thinking. How I wanted to say that I was sorry how it ended with us. I’d felt like shit for four months. Fuck, her face was menacing. I thought that maybe she was going to get mad at me for what happened. I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t think about that last night that I was with her: the line of sweat on the top of her forehead, her hair pulled back, how that anger like a blackness took all of me. She’d taken me over, but not as this person in front of me now. I mean, she’d been a weak girl before, a needy girl, a girl not taking care of herself. I hated what she’d done with her body that night, how she looked dancing with her lips pushing out like she wanted to kiss me.

‘Hey. How’s it going? I haven’t seen you in a long time.’

She was smiling at me. She wasn’t mad. I realized up close that her lips weren’t tighter, they were actually more relaxed. And her skin almost looked like it was golden, shining. I didn’t understand the pull of this girl. I wanted to hug her or reach for her, but I couldn’t. I was still uncomfortable. I knew I had to say something to her.

‘Yeah, it’s been a while. I’m okay. How are you?’

Fuck. I wanted to be as casual as she was. I knew she didn’t forget that night. How could she? I’d never hit a girl before. It was a nightmare. It took me over. I’d never hit a girl before! Thinking about her with all those other men, the sweat on her forehead, her licking her lips. I didn’t want to see how she was in the world. When I saw her like that I got rabid. I got sick.

But with her in front of me now, I remember how she was with me: she made me feel so good, too, she made me feel like she loved me. I wanted to believe her smiling at me. I didn’t want to think she was lying. I felt anxious for a second, what to believe, her standing, her smiling, right there in front of me. All I wanted to do was set the whole thing right.

‘So … do you want to come by?’ she asked.

The expression on her face was open, but I still didn’t know if she had really forgiven me.

We started walking toward her place. We weren’t talking, but I realized that just walking with her was relaxing me. I’d been with a few other girls since I’d last seen her and things were okay with them, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t know what it was about this girl. She never asked for anything from me and she wasn’t asking now either. For a second I thought: She’s just like me.

When we got up to her place, though, something changed. The air in there was heavy. It smelled like an animal’s pen. It was cramped. I couldn’t believe how much takeout garbage was on her couch. Empty wine bottles with candles lined the walls. Who the fuck lives like this? This girl lives like this? Right away I thought I shouldn’t have come. I started sweating. I didn’t know if I felt like having sex with her. I didn’t think I could.

I followed her down the hallway into her bedroom. It was filled with the sun. She seemed like she was in such a good mood.

Her bed was close to the floor. It was piled with sheets. I couldn’t look away from that bed. There was a bloodstain, a coffee stain, the smell of fucking sex.

‘Look up,’ she said, smiling.

There was a hook screwed into her ceiling with a piece of rope hanging down. There was another hook linked to the rope that stuck out of the wall, a pulley system.

‘What’s all that for?’

The second I spoke, though, I wished that I hadn’t even engaged. My whole face got cold. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her, trusted that she forgave me.

‘I can’t believe you left me like that.’

Her voice had turned furious. My eyes went down to the floor. I knew it. I was sorry. I thought for a second that I was going to scream that out. My fucking sorry, my humble, my need for her again. But I pressed my lips together. I didn’t know what I felt in my life anymore.

‘You never cared a thing for me, did you?’

‘That’s not me. I did.’

I said that too fast.

‘What. Fuck, what exactly did you feel for me?’

My teeth started chattering. She’d never talked to me like this.

‘You didn’t feel a thing for me and you know it.’

I couldn’t speak now. She was doing something bad to me. My eyes were stuck on the squares in the floor.

‘I can’t be with you,’ she said. ‘I can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me, someone who never says anything good, like you. If you’re going to hurt me, see, you’d better love me. I can only be with someone who hurts me if they love me. You can’t do it. I can’t be with you.’

I was trying to understand her. I didn’t understand everything she was saying. The sun was making me drip with fresh sweat. I felt it on my forehead. It was like she was talking for me, and what she was saying wasn’t what I would say.

‘You felt nothing for me!’ She was yelling now. ‘I don’t even care if you did feel something. I don’t care what you felt for me!’

God, it wasn’t true what she was saying! I knew that if I spoke now, though, I was going to cry. I swallowed hard. My chest caved in.