Little Cat

‘I know what I’m saying is true, okay?’

Her voice softened up a bit when she said that, but I knew now that she was disgusted. She was disgusted with me. All the things I never did for her. I wanted to leave her place right then. I felt like I had nothing. My teeth chattered more. It was hot in her bedroom. She walked up close to me. I felt like I was in a dream where I was trying to yell but I couldn’t, where I was so angry but I couldn’t say a word, where all these people were forcing me out of a room, groups of people, hating me. I felt my mouth cranking open in slow motion but there was nothing coming out, nothing.

She was pulling a chair up behind my back. She stood up on it so that her body was near my head. She gripped under both my arms and lifted them up. She started fixing my hands together with hanging rope. She wound the rope around my fingers first, then tight around both my wrists. I remembered what she’d said when she’d made me do the same thing to her: tie me tie me tie me back up! I heard her breathing hard. Then she went over to the wall and stood on her bed to yank the end of the cord from the hook that was there. My two arms were being lifted over my head. I couldn’t stop it because I couldn’t tell her what I wanted to say.

When she came back around in front of me, holding the rope like a leash, she looked like she was proud of herself. I was swallowing, swallowing, still trying to say something.

‘Look,’ she said impatiently, ‘it’s okay. Nothing matters now.’

Then she unzipped my pants. My cock got hard right away. My armpits were open. I felt the sun burn my back.

She pulled off my pants and stared at my penis. She was looking at it without love. My weight sunk in my gut. I thought I was going to be sick. My arms felt like they were invisible.

‘The last man I had was a lot like you, you know,’ she said.

She was pulling her shirt over her head. I’d never heard her talk about anyone else she’d been with. My eyelids got heavy. She stripped to her bra and underwear. It was a sports bra, panties.

‘I think that guy might be wounded for life!’ she laughed. ‘I mean, how can you go back to regular sex after you’ve been held down and fuc

ked by a hot bitch like me?’

She was speaking so clearly. I didn’t want to hear it and I wanted to hear it. There was nothing I could do. I watched her mouth move.

‘That last guy really begged me to treat him the worst that I could imagine. It was a bit strange at first, but then I got into it. When I yelled at him things like: Get on the ground, fool, and Don’t you fucking hear me? it was like I always knew how to curse at the men I’d allowed to go inside of me.

‘That guy’s head would wobble on his neck like a chicken. He didn’t know how to look up at me directly. I felt like I could pinch his balls. I could kick him, choke him, put things in his ass. I wanted to see that guy cry. I wanted to see blood come out of his nose. I wanted to straddle him naked, fuck on his face.

‘I liked how his fear filled up my bedroom. Every time I sucked in, I got a mouthful of it.

‘This one time I put the spike of my heel right on the rim of his asshole, his asshole that I made go up in the air. I couldn’t stop laughing when I did that. He was howling and I was laughing. I pushed my heel in, gently, but I did it, right in the hole. These horrible sounds came from his gut. I kept doing it, pushing in like a dart, like I had a bull’s eye. I knew it was too much for him because just one extra, tiny little thrust and he bolted away from me, his whole body jerking spastically. Fool! You fool! I was screaming. You’re going to get it!

‘I hated him so much right then that he couldn’t take it. I caught him and I stuck my heels into the back of his wrists. I walked up and down his arms in my heels. I wanted this guy in agony. And even though he was howling, I knew he wanted it. I walked on his ass. I poked holes in his flesh. Nothing I was doing felt like enough. I bent down and started slapping and scratching the backs of his thighs. I couldn’t stop until I broke through his skin. Until the welts I’d made were shining with blood, until he was barely moving.

‘Roll over now, I yelled at him. Now! Do it now! He wasn’t responding. I had to force his torso over by yanking his right arm over the left. The guy winced and screamed as I did it. His open skin burned. I didn’t care. I really didn’t care. And I pretended like I didn’t care either.

‘I was standing above him. He was breathing too fast. I opened my thighs. I was spreading my pussy and I hovered above him. He pursed his lips and made kissy noises, like some helpless baby who wanted his mummy’s breast. I wanted to stuff something down his throat. Shut up! I told him. His eyeballs popped open, so white and so wide.

‘I was smiling. I distinctly remember that I was smiling. I spread my cunt lips and I sank there, right there, I felt how it touched me, the ball of his eye. My body felt like it was made to be flying. It felt too good, so good, eye on my cunt. Actually, I didn’t know if I knew how to feel that good. How to make us both feel that good at the same time. I suspended myself for a second, caught my breath, heard his moans, and I did it again. Back down on his face, his eye on my skin, this time I couldn’t stop, I was sliding all over his nose and his cheeks, his throat and his lips. Both of his eyeballs were silk, they were rolling with me. My palms flattened down on the floor at his cheeks, I felt his whole head being held by my thighs, his eye on my clit, slipping and moving, both of us screaming and slippery, connected alive.

‘That’s how it was between me and that guy. God, it was good. Can you see how I thought he was something like you?’

I was hurting. My arms were going to break off.

‘Why’d you stop then?’

‘Because I want to be able to tell a lover that I love him and I want my lover to love me.’

The girl put her finger in her mouth and bit it. Her eyes looked down at the floor. I felt for just one second how it was good between us. I was sorry I had ever hurt her. I wished that she’d told me, right then, I wished she’d told me she loved me.

‘Look at you hanging there,’ she said quickly. ‘Your arms are going to fall off. I’ve got to let you down now.’

She got up behind me again and untied my arms. She let the pulley out from the hook at the wall. She was acting all of a sudden as if nothing was unusual. I had a circle of burns around both my wrists. My legs weren’t steady and I nearly fell to the ground. I put my head between my arms. I heard myself breathing weirdly and heavily.

She touched my shoulder. ‘Just take your time getting up. You’ll be all right. You can see yourself out, right? I have to go out in a little while. I’ve got to get ready.’

She left me there in her bedroom. I heard the shower go on. A lump started pulsing in my throat. I didn’t know how that had all just happened.

I crawled into her bed. The covers were clumped up. I tried to shake everything straight. My whole body felt strange. My stomach got bloated and I kept farting and farting. I lay there thinking: Why’d I hit her? Why couldn’t I have just been good to her when I had her? Why’d she make me do that? Why’d I do it even if she made me? If I hit her once, I’d hit her again. That’s how it worked, that’s how abuse always worked. I knew what she was like. I knew how she was in the world. I couldn’t deal with her like that. Especially when she knew how she was in the world too. She’d showed me. She just told me. I didn’t think that I could be with her like that. Smelling like pussy. Lips pursed out to kiss me. I would hit her again. In her face, in her lips, and she’d hit me back. She would hit me and fuck me and tie me up like she tied that guy up. I hated her. All that sex she had with me. Her crazed and her open … How when she saw me looking at her she just squeezed her eyes tight. Like she wanted to have her hair in her face and not let me really see her. I didn’t believe it! I didn’t believe her. I knew all she wanted to do was open her legs and let me see exactly what she was. That body, so warm, but those eyes, that whole face, making me feel like we were both cracking, that we were pressing ourselves together just to pull ourselves apart. When I looked at her when we were having sex I felt like I was looking at the face of all girls cracking open …