“Well, my work here is done,” Danny said. When Elijah and I both whipped our heads in his direction, he held up his hands. “What? I had a feeling the two of you would be stubborn about it. I fixed it. You’re welcome.”
“I hate you,” Elijah said to him.
“Hey, I thought I was the only guy you hated,” I teased. “I mean, that’s kind of us, right?”
“Aw, are you jelly,” Elijah taunted. “Don’t worry. I’ll always hate your ass too.”
“Thank you!” I held up my glass as if to say cheers, while my insides were all twisting and tangled. This man fucked with me on such a deep level, it wasn’t even funny.
We finished eating, and I tried to ignore the confusing emotions creating a cyclone inside me. It was crazy how you could want something so much while also feeling the need to run away from it.
I watched Elijah and Danny together, and it was obvious how much they loved each other, how much they meant to each other. I thought about why Elijah and I began doing this in the first place, how it all stemmed from his want of Danny, and jealousy sludged its way through me, but I got it too. I could see it, how the two of them really could have been good together. And Danny probably wouldn’t freak out about the whole relationship thing as much as I was.
“You done?” Elijah asked, and I realized he was standing beside me, pointing at my plate. I’d been spacing off and hadn’t seen him move.
“Yeah, I’ll take it, though.” I picked up my dish and took it to the kitchen with him.
“I know I’m basically the life of the party and all, but I have to head out early,” Danny said.
“Meeting up with a guy?” Elijah asked.
“Yes, yes I am.” Danny winked. My eyes found their way to E, searching for any jealousy. Ugh. I was losing my mind but breathed easily when I didn’t see any.
Danny and Elijah hugged and kissed goodbye, and then Danny nodded and gave me this sort of dude-bro goodbye, which I returned.
As soon as Danny was gone and we were alone, Elijah turned, walked over to me, and looked up at me. “You don’t have to go, Shaw.” My heart dropped. “I want you to go, but this is…it’s more than a hanging-out thing. So I’m giving you an out if you don’t want to do it.”
Well, fuck. Now my heart was swelling because he was saying that to me, when I knew it was only for my benefit. But I didn’t want him to take less than what he deserved even from me. He shouldn’t do that for anyone. Elijah’s strength, his ability to hold fast in what he wanted, was one of my favorite things about him. “I want to. Fuck, E, I want it so bad, I ache with it.” I ran a hand through my hair.
“But you’re scared.”
I shrugged because we both knew I was.
“I’m not Richie. We’re not your parents.”
Logically, I knew that. I hated that emotions and logic were rarely in agreement. How did you follow what you knew when it wasn’t what you felt?
I playfully rolled my eyes. “Why are you so annoying?”
“Because you’re infuriating and bring it out in me?”
He had me there. I tugged him closer and wrapped my arms around him. “I’ll be there. I don’t know how it can happen without me, to be honest. I’ve heard it’s terribly hard to have a good time if I’m not there.”
He laughed, and I felt it move my chest.
“Stop it,” he said.
“Stop what?”
“Hiding,” Elijah replied softly. “I see you.”
And he did. He really fucking did. I wanted him to see me.
Elijah didn’t give me a chance to reply. He pulled away and nodded toward the door. “Wanna go for a walk?”
I nodded, unsure how I would have replied to his acknowledgment of seeing me.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Elijah
Considering I’d never taken a guy home before, the nerves were strong. It didn’t help that while I only had nerves to deal with, I was pretty sure Shaw was losing his shit. But he was going, and that was…sweet.
Brooklyn and Danny were my closest friends, so they always came to our barbecues with me. They agreed to drive together and let Shaw and me head out in our own car. I thought it would help to give him some more time, because this was a test. Not a test from me, but a pretty big test for him because it wouldn’t just be Mom and Dad there. Cousins, aunties, and uncles—the ones we were still close with—would all be congregating at our house. The more I thought about that, the more I freaked out, but I tried to hide it. If I was a mess, Shaw would be even more so.