‘I should leave,’ I mutter. I don’t convince myself, so I don’t suppose he is taken in either.
‘But you don’t want to,’ he says. He moves closer, just a couple of steps. ‘Do you?’
‘It’s too dangerous.’ I’m talking to myself, but Chase still answers.
‘Lloyd wants this.’
I shake my head, utterly bemused. ‘Why? Why would he?’
Chase sits on the edge of the bed, his eyes still locked with mine. ‘Think about it.’
It’s not easy to think with the man I lusted and yearned after for years sitting so close to my naked body, but I try it anyway.
‘Well, like everything we’ve done lately, it’s a test,’ I come up with eventually.
‘Yes.’
You’re the biggest temptation he could ever put in my way. I don’t say this out loud though. I’m still angry with Chase over the way things ended before, and I don’t want him getting ideas.
‘But how do I pass the test? By walking out of here unshagged?’
‘No,’ says Chase. ‘That’s how you fail. Lloyd’s idea was that we fuck with you blindfolded – you would find out afterwards that it was me. And then you could make your choice.’
‘Choice? What choice? I can’t choose you anyway – you’re a fugitive living overseas. You have no place in my life.’
‘Practically speaking, that’s true. But what Lloyd wants to know is if an encounter with, well, this sounds a little arrogant, but the words he used were “your heart’s desire” would change the way you felt about him. Make you
dissatisfied, restless, determined to find someone who, if not me, made you feel the way I did.’
I pause to process this. It sounds madder than mad, but I can see a speck of rationale in there somewhere. ‘He’s insecure,’ I say. ‘I didn’t realise that.’
‘Well, I would say he had his reasons to be, wouldn’t you?’ He gestures at me, the prize in a gambling game. I don’t feel like much of a prize now though.
‘No. Everything we’ve done has been for the benefit of both of us. We’ve created our own sex life, and just because it isn’t the hetero-monogamous norm, people feel sorry for him and wonder when he’s going to meet a nice girl. But to him, I am a nice girl. Maybe only to him. But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, does it?’
Chase sniffs. ‘I wouldn’t stand for it myself.’
‘That’s why you’re wrong for me.’
‘I suppose it is. So. Are you leaving now?’
I hug my knees to my chest and stare at the chandelier-heavy ceiling. ‘If I do … then I haven’t done what Lloyd wants. I haven’t put myself to the ultimate test. And if I don’t, I guess he’ll always wonder. And, perhaps, so will I. Though I’m almost sure I know what I want now. All the same … come and sit next to me, Mr Chase.’
He allows himself a smirk, settling down to lean on the headboard at my side.
‘I should tell you up front,’ I say, ‘that I want to hurt you.’
He draws back a fraction, his eyes wary.
‘Are you surprised? Why? You hurt me. On an ongoing basis, knowing that you were doing it, enjoying it. You’re cruel, and you’re a cheat and a liar.’
‘But you still wanted me.’
‘Yeah, but why? Why do you think I wanted you?’
‘Modesty forbids …’
‘I’ll tell you why. Because I couldn’t have you. And my theory is that, once I have had you, I’ll forget all about you.’