He sat opposite me, hands on his knees, crystal-blue eyes fixed on my face.
‘What I mean, Ella,’ he said, and the use of my actual name rather than one of his silly diminutives or nicknames signalled his serious intent, ‘is, neither of us seem quite clear on where we stand with each other.’
‘Well, is that my fault?’ I blurted, my heart quickening at the thought of hearing his take on the situation. Was I a convenient pervert on whom to rehearse his darker side, or was there – as I foolishly hoped – more to it?
‘It’s nobody’s fault,’ he said. ‘I suppose we both thought we’d see where the situation took us. But this thing with Tilda seems to have forced my hand, and I think we’re going to have to thrash it out. So to speak.’
I waited for him to wink, to give me permission to smirk inappropriately, but he still seemed deadly serious, so I looked down at my hands instead.
‘I can’t lose Tilda,’ I muttered. ‘I sit next to her all day long, for God’s sake.’
‘And you think you have to choose between us?’
‘I know I do. She said so.’
Tom took a breath, his eyes on the ceiling.
‘I tried to explain,’ I added. ‘But I couldn’t tell her much, so it probably ended up sounding a bit lame. I mean, I left out all the kink stuff, which is pretty much everything, so…’
‘The kink is everything,’ paraphrased Tom slowly. ‘Is it?’
His intense gaze was upon me again, drawing the blood to my cheeks.
‘It’s what brought us together,’ I said.
‘And is it what kept us together?’ he asked.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, would you do all that with any old Dom? Perhaps I’ve read this all wrong, El, but there seemed to be more to it than that. At least, for me.’
I was too winded to speak for a minute. So he did have feelings for me?
‘Are you saying you…uh…you like me?’
Tom rolled his eyes. ‘Of course I bloody like you, you nitwit.’
I laughed, suddenly and hysterically, tears blinding me before I knew it.
‘What?’ he said.
‘Nitwit,’ I giggled. ‘I haven’t heard that in years.’
‘Well, I live to amuse you,’ he said, sounding mildly put out.
I recovered myself, dabbed my eyes and reverted to serious mode.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I like you too. Really like you a lot. But you can understand why I found it hard to read your feelings, given that you seemed keen as mustard the first time we got together, then…nada.’
‘Yes, I know, I’m sorry, mea culpa, blah blah blah.’ His invocation of Mia’s name brought the full scope of our dilemma into focus.
‘Speaking of Mia,’ I said, then I stopped and shook my head. ‘Oh, this is impossible.’
‘What’s impossible? Why?’
‘Tom, I can’t see you and keep Tilda as a friend. But if I can’t see you, then what are we going to do about the Mia thing? Just drop it? I don’t think I can do that.’
‘Neither can I,’ he said quietly. ‘And I can’t just drop you either.’