Surviving (Surrender 2)

“I’m not going to draw out the story, but basically he made me realize I was ruined for anyone else. I had to come back to you and see if we were repairable. You have to remember, I thought you were moving on without me. The pictures online, the videos from screaming girls, Charlie seeing that girl leaving the bus–all of that weighed on my mind.”

“You’ve go–” He tries to interrupt.

“Let me finish. Finn dried my tears the first two weeks. He helped me keep busy. We worked together; we worked out together, almost all of our time was together. Things just progressed. The weekend after our phone call we went sightseeing around the city. It was comfortable, and I let myself relax. I still had emotional heaviness, but he helped me get past that. Then one night things got a little out of control, and before it went too far he stopped us.”

“Not sure this is part of the story I need to know Raven. This is how he saved our relationship?”

“No, but he knew I wasn’t ready to have sex with him, and I was doing it to erase the pain. He said he couldn’t make love to me with my mind on you. And he was right. I would have pictured you in my mind. I broke down because he is a great guy. He deserves more than that, and I was about to possibly throw away our friendship by getting intimately involved, while my heart still belonged to you. Don’t you see? He stopped me from making a huge mistake because he realized he wasn’t you.”

Declan pushes his food to the side, barely eating anything. “I guess I can see your logic but I want to beat the shit out of him.”

“Well, you’re not going to. I love you. I’m here with you. Some part of me thinks if I had followed through with him, we’d never get back to where we were. You would never forgive me.”

“I would have forgiven you. I’ll always forgive you. I’m really fucking glad I don’t have to forgive you. In your mind, we were apart. But in my mind we weren’t. I knew he followed you, and I knew his intentions. I never once forgot about you. Since I couldn’t talk to you, I wrote you. Every day I wrote you a letter. I saved them in a journal for you to see if you want. I captured every show and every city for you to know about. I won’t lie; the first two weeks were hell. I drank, and I performed. I wouldn’t talk to the guys because, in my mind, they betrayed us. To me, they pressured me. To you, they betrayed your friendship. The turning point was the weekend my sisters came to visit for Ella’s birthday, and Jimi set me straight a little, but it was really Ryan Knight that was the game changer.”

“Huh, how’s that?”

“I’m not kidding when I say I drank all the time. We were at a bar after a concert, and I was outside smoking–another bad habit I picked up this summer. I don’t really remember the details because I was wasted. Thank God Ryan followed me.”

“Tell me what happened.”

He tells me about the night in Charleston. I push my lunch away knowing what I did eat may be coming up soon. Even though I was prepared this could happen, I don’t want any details.

“Raven, I didn’t mess around with anyone. I don’t even know this girl’s name. Ryan took me back to the hotel to pass out and the next day he sat me down to talk. I was lucky no one else saw because I was so ashamed. That’s not the man I am anymore. You made me a better person. I stopped drinking so much, stopped smoking, and poured my energy into other things. We started running and working out to pass the time. Then I kept writing to keep me busy at night. Some of the stuff I wrote when I was drunk was great–it’s raw and unashamed. But the other stuff is good too.”

“I guess I should than

k him.”

“I’ve thanked him enough to last a lifetime.”

“So what do we do now? How do we get back to where we were? Do you even want to?”

“No, I don’t.”

My heart sinks. I thought I hurt before, but sitting here in front of him the rejection seeps its way through my bones. My eyes swell with unstoppable tears. I move to run to the bathroom, but he’s on me instantly. He pins me to the booth and wipes my cheeks with his thumbs.

“Sweet Angel, I don’t want to go back to where we were because back then I gave you reason to doubt me. I want to get to a new place where you know you’re all that matters to me. You will never doubt me again. No one has ever needed anyone in their life like I need you. You are my lifeline to breathe. You own my heart, and I want yours back. I will work like hell to get it back. Please tell me we’re okay.”

I’m paralyzed by his words and the look on his face. Our slate is clean. He’s ready to let go and move forward. I don’t have any more doubts. I’ve been so scared he wouldn’t be able to move beyond my relationship with Finn, but now I know we’re going to be fine.

“We’re going to be okay.”

I reach out and pull him in as close as possible, aware of the busy restaurant around us. “I think I’m ready to go back to the room now. It’s about time for a proper homecoming.”

He lifts me out of the booth and throws some money on the table. A few minutes later we are in the truck roaring through town to get back to the Ritz for our overdue reunion.

Chapter 10

I Feel Whole Again

My body’s on fire. Declan hasn’t put me down since he picked me out of the truck. People stared at us coming through the lobby, but I didn’t care. I hold onto him tight, trying to calm the rapid beating of my heart. When we get to the room, he balances me with one arm while he fiddles with the key trying to open the door. After a few attempts, I try to jump down but he holds me closer.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m trying to get down so you can open the door.”

“Nope, stay where you are. I’ve waited a very long time for this; I’m not letting you get away.”