Besieged and Betrothed

‘I thought you wanted me to accompany you to Normandy, Empress?’

She placed a hand on his arm almost tenderly. ‘Of course I want you to come with me, but you’re still a young man. I was wrong to abuse your loyalty. You ought to lead a life of your own, not just follow mine. I’ll miss you, Lothar, but now your wife has something important to tell you.’ She squeezed his arm before sweeping on to the door. ‘I suggest you listen to her. In the meantime, I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.’

‘I don’t understand.’ The floor seemed to tilt slightly as the door closed again, leaving him alone with his wife. The possibility of Matilda offering to leave him behind had never even occurred to him. Now he didn’t know how to react. ‘What happened?’

Juliana looked up finally, meeting his gaze with a look of chagrin. ‘I told her the truth.’

‘You told her you’d give Haword back to Stephen?’

‘Not exactly.’ Her cheeks flushed. ‘But I told her I couldn’t break my oath if he came back. You knew that was the best I could do.’

‘Yes.’ He rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘I suppose I did.’

‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t lie.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position, too. I know you wanted to go with the Empress.’

He pulled his hand away from his face with a dull sense of surprise. ‘It’s not a question of what I want. It’s a question of duty. Who will protect her now?’

‘She has other guards.’

‘It’s not that simple. It’s my job.’

‘Why?’

He moved across to the fireplace, leaning one arm against the mantel. ‘It’s just what I do, who I am.’

‘Because of your mother?’

He froze. Standing next to the roaring fire, he felt his whole body go frigid. ‘What do you mean?’

‘The Empress said that she died trying to defend you.’ Her footsteps moved towards him. ‘Will you tell me what happened?’

He swayed slightly as the room seemed to tilt again. Could he tell her? He didn’t want to talk about it, yet somehow the words seemed to be coming out anyway.

‘It was all my fault. My mother was good at evading my father’s blows. She knew how to protect both of us, but one day when he hit her, I decided I was a man so I picked up a poker and charged at him with it. He put out a foot and kicked me backwards. My head hit a table on the way down.’ He gestured towards his scar. ‘I remember lying on the floor. There was so much blood I could hardly see, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder, heaving me back to my feet. I knew he was going to punish me, badly this time, but then my mother stepped between us. She said something, I don’t know what because my ears were still ringing from the fall, but he let me go and then...’

‘Then?’ Her voice prodded him gently.

‘Then she fell. Right next to me. Her arm landed on my stomach, as if she were wrapping it around me, but her eyes were open and I knew...’ The pressure in his chest was building again, stretching almost to breaking point, though he seemed to be powerless to do anything to stop it. ‘She just lay there staring, but I knew she couldn’t see me.’

‘I’m so sorry.’ She rested a hand on his shoulder. ‘But it wasn’t your fault.’

He shook his head. ‘If it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have been so angry. He might have left us alone. I thought I could protect her, but I couldn’t.’

‘You still weren’t the one who killed her. You can’t blame yourself.’

‘I failed her. I wasn’t strong enough.’

‘You were just a boy.’

‘I should have got up.’

There was a short silence as if she were considering.

‘Didn’t you tell me that I shouldn’t blame myself for betraying my father?’