Besieged and Betrothed

He dragged in a breath as the constricting sensation in his chest seemed to burst suddenly. He’d heard troubadours sing about broken hearts, but this was different, as if it weren’t so much his heart, but the stone around it that was crumbling, not just into pieces, but into dust that could never be put back together again, unleashing all the pent-up emotions he’d kept hidden away for twenty years. She was right. His mother was still there. Along with all the pain and the loss and the suffering, there was love, too. He clamped a hand to his chest, overwhelmed by the onslaught of feeling.

‘You don’t have to be afraid.’ She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

‘What if I can’t protect you?’ He didn’t recognise his own voice. It sounded guttural, like an animal in pain. ‘If I failed the Empress it would be bad enough, but if I failed you... If I lost you... I couldn’t bear it, not again.’

‘You won’t fail me.’

‘Juliana...’

‘No. Listen to me, I never wanted your protection. I’ve been telling you that from the start. I can take care of myself.’

‘It’s what I do.’

‘But it’s not what I want. If that’s all you can offer, then you should leave with Matilda.’

‘I don’t want to.’ His shoulders heaved at the admission.

‘Then stay.’

‘I don’t know if I can change, Juliana. I don’t know if I can love.’

‘Then we’ll find out together.’

He turned towards her, resting his forehead against hers. ‘You deserve better.’

‘I know.’ She smiled softly. ‘You’re just a man. But you’re my husband, too, and I won’t give up on you.’

He closed his eyes briefly. ‘I’ll do my best.’

‘Good, because if you don’t come with me, then I’d rather go straight to Stephen.’

‘What about Haword?’

‘I don’t want it without you, not any more.’ She reached up and pressed her hand gently against his scar. ‘I want you, no matter how damaged you are. You don’t have to say it, but I will. I love you, Lothar. Whatever happens in the future, I love you and you love me, somewhere deep down inside. And I’m not going back home without you.’

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Haword Castle—1153, five years later

‘He’s here! Lower the bridge!’

Juliana shouted out to the warden, pressing a hand to her stomach as she felt a sudden, violent kicking, as if the baby inside shared her excitement, too.

‘There now.’ She smiled tenderly. ‘Your father’s home.’

She made her way down the steps, compelled to move slowly for once, so that by the time she reached the bottom, Lothar was already waiting, his stern features breaking into a wide smile when he saw her. She felt the breath stall in her throat. After five years of marriage, her feelings for him were even stronger than they’d been on the day when she’d first told him she loved him—the day when she’d told him he loved her, too, and he...well, he’d neither confirmed nor denied it. He’d never been able to say the words back, but she’d come to realise it didn’t matter. He proved how he felt about her every moment they were together. He made her feel beautiful and desirable and happy. His smile wasn’t something she could have ever imagined when they’d first met. That was enough.

‘Wife.’ He pretended to reach for her hand and then hauled her into his arms. ‘I suppose it won’t make any difference if I say you ought to be resting, not climbing the battlements?’

‘Not a whit. It’s your fault for staying away so long.’

‘Were you up there pining for me?’

‘Maybe a little.’ She laughed and nestled against him, burrowing her face into his gambeson and breathing in the familiar, reassuring scent of him. ‘I’m just glad you’re home.’

‘So am I.’ He pressed a kiss into her hair. ‘I’m getting too old to be riding all over the country on Henry’s business.’

‘Not too old, I hope.’ She tipped her head back and smiled seductively at him. ‘I still have some uses for you.’