My Uncle Oswald

I paused in my story. Seven Ambassadors, the Foreign Minister of France, the French Army General and the little Japanese man were all now leaning forward in their seats, their eyes upon me.

'Is this exactly what happened?' Sir Charles asked me.

'Every word of it, sir, is the gospel truth,' I lied. 'When Professor Yousoupoff publishes his findings, the whole world will be reading what I have just told you.'

'So what happened next?' the Peruvian Ambassador asked.

'From then on, it was comparatively simple,' I said. 'The Professor conducted a series of experiments designed to discover what the proper absolutely safe dose should be for a normal adult male. For this, he used undergraduate volunteers. And you can be quite sure, gentlemen, that he had no trouble getting young men to come forward. As soon as the news spread around the University, there was a waiting list of over eight hundred. But to cut the story short, the Professor finally demonstrated that the safe dose was no more than five of those tiny microscopic nuclei from the pomegranate seed. So, using calcium carbonate as a base, he manufactured a pill containing exactly this quantity of the magic substance. And he proved beyond any doubt that just one of these pills would, in precisely nine minutes, turn any man, even a very old man, into a marvellously powerful sex-machine that was capable of pleasuring his partner for six hours nonstop, without exception.'

'Gott in Himmel!' shouted the German Ambassador. 'Ver can I get hold of ziss stuff?'

'Me, too!' cried the Russian Ambassador. 'I haff priority claim because it voss invented by my countryman! I muss inform zee Tsar at vonce!'

Suddenly, they were all speaking at the same time. Where could they get it? They wanted it now! How much did it cost? They were willing to pay handsomely! And the little Japanese fellow sitting on my left leaned over and hissed, 'You get me big supply of pills, yes. I give you very much money.'

'Now just a moment, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, raising a wrinkled hand for silence. 'Our young friend here has told us a fascinating story, but as he correctly pointed out, he was only a junior assistant to Professor whatever-his-name-is. I am quite sure, therefore, that he is not in a position to supply us with this remarkable new pill. Perhaps though, my dear Oswald,' and here Sir Charles leaned toward me and placed a withered hand gently on my forearm, 'perhaps, my dear Oswald, you could put me in touch with the great Professor. One of my duties here at the Embassy is to keep the Foreign Office informed of all new scientific discoveries.'

'I quite understand,' I said.

'If I could obtain a bottle of these pills, preferably a large bottle, I would send it straight to London.'

'And I vould sent it to Petrograd,' said the Russian Ambassador.

'And me to Budapest.'

'And me to Mexico City.'

'And me to Lima.'

'And me to Rome.'

'Rubbish!' cried the German Ambassador. 'You vont dem for yourselves, you dirty olt men!'

'Now then, Wolfgang,' Sir Charles said, squirming a bit.

'Vy not, my dear Sharles? I too vont dem for myself. For zee Kaiser as well, of course, but me first.'

I decided I rather liked the German Ambassador. He was anyway honest.

'I think it best, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, 'if I myself make all the arrangements. I shall write personally to the Professor.'

'The Japanese people,' Mr Mitsouko said, 'are very interested in all massage techniques and hot baths and in all similar technological advances, especially the Emperor himself.'

I allowed them to finish. I was in control now and that gave me a good feeling. I helped myself to another glass of port but refused the huge cigar Sir Charles offered me. 'Would you prefer a smaller one, dear boy?' he asked me eagerly. 'Or a Turkish cigarette? I have some Balkan Sobranies.'

'No, thank you, sir,' I said, 'but the port is delicious.'

'Help yourself, dear boy! Fill your glass!'

'I have some interesting news,' I said, and suddenly everyone became silent. The German Ambassador cupped a hand behind his ear. The Russian leaned forward in his seat. So did all the rest of them.

'What I am about to tell you is extremely confidential,' I said. 'May I rely upon all of you to keep it to yourselves?'

There was a chorus of 'Yes, yes! Of course! Absolutely! Carry on, young fellow!'

'Thank you,' I said. 'Now the point is this. As soon as I knew that I was going to Paris I decided I simply must take with me a supply of these pills, especially for my father's great friend, Sir Charles Makepiece.'

'My dear boy!' Sir Charles cried out. 'What a generous thought!'