My Uncle Oswald

'I could not, of course, ask the Professor to give any of them to me,' I said. 'He would never have agreed to that. After all, they are still on the secret list.'

'So what did you do?' asked Sir Charles. He was dribbling with excitement. 'Did you purloin them?'

'Certain

ly not, sir,' I said. 'Stealing is a criminal act.'

'Never mind about us, dear boy. We won't tell a soul.'

'So vott did you do?' the German Ambassador asked. 'You say you haff dem and you didn't steal them?'

'I made them myself,' I said.

'Brilliant!' they cried. 'Magnifique!'

'Having assisted the Professor at every stage,' I said, 'I naturally knew exactly how to manufacture these pills. So I... well... I simply made them in his laboratory each day when he was out to lunch.' Slowly, I reached behind me and took one small round box from my tailcoat pocket. I placed it on the low table. I opened the lid. And there, lying in its little nest of cotton-wool, was a single scarlet pill.

Everyone leaned forward to look. Then I saw the plump white hand of the German Ambassador sliding across the surface of the table towards the box like a weasel stalking a mouse. Sir Charles saw it, too. He smacked the palm of his own hand on top of the German's, pinning it down. 'Now, Wolfgang,' he said, 'don't be impatient.'

'I vont zee pill!' Ambassador Wolfgang shouted.

Sir Charles put his other hand over the pill-box and kept it there. 'Do you have more?' he asked me.

I fished in my tailcoat pockets and brought out nine more boxes. 'There is one for each of you,' I said.

Eager hands reached across, grabbing the little boxes. 'I pay,' said Mr Mitsouko. 'How much you want?'

'No,' I said. 'These are presents. Try them out, gentlemen. See what you think.'

Sir Charles was studying the label on the box. 'Ah-ha,' he said. 'I see you have your address printed here.'

'That's just in case,' I said.

'In case of what?'

'In case anyone wishes to get a second pill,' I said.

I noticed that the German Ambassador had taken out a little book and was making notes. 'Sir,' I said to him, 'I expect you are thinking of telling your scientists to investigate the seed of the pomegranate. Am I not right?'

'Zatt iss exactly vot I am tinking,' he said.

'No good,' I said. 'Waste of time.'

'May I ask vy?'

'Because it's not the pomegranate,' I said. 'It's something else.'

'So you lie to us!'

'It is the only untruth I have told you in the entire story,' I said. 'Forgive me, but I had to do it. I had to protect Professor Yousoupoff's secret. It was a point of honour. All the rest is true. Believe me it's true. It is especially true that each of you has in his possession the most powerful rejuvenator the world has ever known.'

At that point, the ladies returned and each man in our group quickly and rather surreptitiously pocketed his pill-box. They stood up. They greeted their wives. I noticed that Sir Charles had suddenly become absurdly jaunty. He hopped across the room and splashed a silly sort of kiss smack on Lady Makepiece's scarlet lips. She gave him one of those cool what-on-earth-was-that-for looks. Unabashed, he took her arm and led her across the room into a throng of people. I last saw Mr Mitsouko prowling around the floor inspecting the womenflesh at very close quarters, like a horse-coper examining a bunch of mares on the market-place. I slipped quietly away.

Half an hour later, I was back at my boarding-house in the Avenue Marceau. The family had retired and all the lamps were out, but as I passed the bedroom of Mademoiselle Nicole in the upstairs corridor, I could see in the crack between the door and the floor a flicker of candlelight. The little trollop was waiting for me again. I decided not to go in. There was nothing new for me in there. Even at this early stage in my career, I had already decided that the only women who interested me were new women. Second time round was no good. It was like reading a detective novel twice over. You knew exactly what was going to happen next. The fact that I had recently broken this rule by visiting Mademoiselle Nicole a second time was beside the point. That was done simply to test my Blister Beetle powder. And by the way, this principle of no-woman-more-than-once is one that I have stuck to rigorously all my life and I commend it to all men of action who enjoy variety.

5

That night I slept well. I was still fast asleep at eleven o'clock the next morning when the sound of Madame Boisvain's fists hammering at my door jerked me awake. 'Get up, Monsieur Cornelius!' she was shouting. 'You must come down at once! People have been ringing my bell and demanding to see you since before breakfast!'