I curl up on my side, looking away, out at the clouds having over the parking lot.
“Where is he?” I ask without looking at my father. He doesn’t answer, which sends chills down my spine.
“It’s my fault,” I tell him, turning over so that I’m looking him in the eye now. “It’s not Finn’s fault. It’s mine. I read his journal, I knew he was slipping and I should’ve told you, but I didn’t. He wants to save me from pain, dad. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s not his fault, it’s mine.”
My voice takes on a jagged, desperate edge and my dad rubs my arm. “Calm down, sweetie. Everything’s going to be ok.”
“It’s not,” I insist, my voice shrill. “Don’t punish Finn. Don’t put him in the hospital, dad. It’s my fault. Not his. Not his.”
I’m practically screaming now, writhing in the bed trying to get up, but my dad holds me down, pleading with me. Before I know it, nurses have come in, two of them, one for each side. One injects something into my IV and then all of my agitation slips away. My anger is gone, my frustration non-existent.
“Please call Dare,” I whisper. “Please.”
And then everything is black.
38
TRIGENTA OCTO
Finn
“Let me go!” I shout, squirming to get away from the nurses. “I didn’t hurt her. I didn’t! I just had to help her. Don’t you see?”
No one can see and no one cares. They just wrap my wrists with elastic bands and fasten them to the bedframe.
I whimper into the pillow before I bite it. I’d never hurt Calla.
Never.
I’m doing all of this for her.
“Let me go,” I plead them. “I can’t leave her by herself. Please. I’ll be good. I’ll be good!”
But they ignore me and when I look up, I see my father’s face pressed against the glass.
I call out to him, but he doesn’t answer. In fact, his face slips away and doesn’t come back.
“Come back,” I whisper.
But he doesn’t.
My tears are hot, as I think about my sister, huddled somewhere in this hospital, alone and scared and thinking that I tried to kill her.
I would never. Would I?
YouDidYouDidYouDid. Don’tYouRemember? The voices are laughing at me, hissing and shrieking. YouDidYouDid.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
But my hands are handcuffed to this bed and there is no arguing that.
I fed her the nuts. There’s no denying that, either.
I close my eyes against the chanting in my head, trying to block them out. SisterKillerSisterKillerSisterKiller. You’reaMonster. Monster. WeControlYou WeControlYou.
Monster.