And I pull the white fabric away.
He’s dressed in jeans and a button-up, clothing for a concert. He’s pale, he’s skinny, he’s long. He’s frail, he’s cold, he’s dead.
He’s Finn.
I can’t breathe as I hold his wet hand, as I hunch over him and cry and try to breathe and try to speak.
He doesn’t look like he was in a crash. There’s a bruise on his forehead and that’s it. He’s just so white, so very very white.
“Please,” I beg him. “No. Not today. No.”
I’m rocking and I feel hands on me, but I shake them away, because this is Finn. And we’re Calla and Finn. He’s part of me and I’m part of him and this can’t be happening.
I cry so hard that my chest hurts with it, my throat grows raw and I gulp to breathe.
“I love you,” I tell him when I can breathe again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I’m still crying when large hands cup my shoulders and lift me from the ground, and I’m pulled into strong arms.
“Shhh, Calla,” my dad murmurs. “It’ll be okay. He knew you loved him.”
“Did he?” I ask harshly, pulling away to look at my father. “Because he wanted me to go with him, and I made him go alone. And now he’s dead. I called mom and they’re both dead.”
Dad pulls me back into his arms and pats my back, showing a tenderness that I didn’t know he possessed. “It’s not your fault,” he tells me between wracking sobs. “He knew you loved him, honey. Everyone knew. Your mother, too.”
My mother. I choke back another gasping sob.
This can’t be happening.
This can’t be happening.
This isn’t my life.
I shake off my father’s arms and walk woodenly back up the trails, past the paramedics, past the police, past everyone who is staring at me. I walk straight up to Finn’s room and
collapse onto his bed.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his journal.
I pick it up, reading the familiar handwriting written by the hands that I love so much.
Serva me, serva bo te.
Save me, and I will save you.
Ok.
Ok, Finn.
I close my eyes because when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll find that this was all a dream. This is a nightmare. It has to be.
Sleep comes quickly and when I wake up, I’ll save Finn.
I wake up with a start, the memories from that night so vivid, so awful, so paralyzing.
Sunlight floods my room, exposing every corner, every empty corner.
I shudder and climb from bed, looking out the window. Dare and my father sit on the porch below, talking earnestly.