But my dad had remembered, and this is perfect.
It’s exactly what I would’ve chosen for my brother.
I sink to the ground in front, not caring that the earth is muddy and wet, and trace the words with my fingers.
Good night, sweet Finn.
He was sweet. And kind and good and funny. He was brilliant and witty and sharp. He was my brother, my best friend, half of my soul. He was all of those things and more. He was more than anyone else ever knew or ever would know. Because I was the only one lucky enough to really know him.
“I miss you,” I whisper. “God, I miss you.”
I slump against the cool marble, and I talk to my brother. I talk to him like he’s sitting right here with me. I tell h
im about dad, Dare and my mental break.
“So I’m crazy, too,” I tell him. “And I always thought I needed to worry about you.”
I feel Dare sigh behind me, because I know he wants to tell me that I’m not crazy, but he doesn’t interrupt. He just stands aside and lets me do what I need to do.
“I think I have to leave,” I tell Finn. “I don’t want to leave you, but you’re not really here, and I can’t stay. Not right now. It’s too hard. Do you understand?”
His cold marble stone doesn’t reply and I lean my cheek against it, desperately wishing that Finn were here.
But he’s not.
I’m wiping away a tear when I see it.
I stiffen and startle and stare.
A dragonfly hovers nearby.
Large and shiny, it’s greenish-blue wings shimmer in the late afternoon sun. It watches me, unafraid, as it hangs in the air, it’s gorgeous wings fluttering fast. It seems to be here for me, because it doesn’t move away. It simply waits with me, watching me.
My heart pounds and I’m frozen in shock.
“Finn,” I breathe.
I’m not crazy enough to believe the insect is Finn. However, I am crazy enough to think that Finn is here, somewhere, and that he sent the dragonfly as a sign.
He’s ok.
I’m suddenly surrounded by a strange peace, by something ethereal and other-worldly and I think it must be real.
Finn is bringing me comfort, like he always has.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I will always love you.”
The sunlight hits the dragonfly just so, and it makes it look like it winks at me. I smile through my tears, and it flies away. I watch it go, and the peace that has wrapped around me spreads inside, to my heart.
I’m still in pain, but for the first time in over a week, I feel calm, quiet, hopeful.
The air around me feels reverent and sacred somehow, and I hesitate to move, to get up, to take a step. But I have to, because I know that’s the most important thing. That’s the point, that’s what Finn was here for.
To move me forward.
To show me that he’s okay, that I’m okay, and that I need to move forward without him.
It’s scary because I’ve never been without him before. But at the same time, I know that I’m not alone.