“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Let’s do a transvaginal ultrasound, and I’ll tell you exactly how far along you are.”
A few short minutes later, I climb on the examination bed, and she proceeds with the ultrasound.
“We have a heartbeat,” she says triumphantly, pointing to the screen next to the bed and emotion clogs my throat as I watch the tiny blip. “By the looks of it, you’ve been pregnant for about six weeks.”
“But six weeks...I drank coffee every day.”
“Just make sure you adhere to the restrictions from now on, and you’ll be just fine. I’ll give you a full list.”
“Okay.” I draw in another deep breath. “Okay.”
“Since you came in here for birth control, I’m assuming this was unplanned. You have options if this isn’t what you want. Abortion, adoption.”
It takes me a second to register what she means.
“No, I want it. Of course I want it. I’m just...I wasn’t expecting this.”
“Sometimes the best things in life happen unexpectedly.”
I’d agree with her, but almost everything in my life so far has been unplanned. I was hoping to do better than that for my baby, at least be married or employed.
My mind spins while the doctor gives me instructions, recommends vitamins, and whatnot. Still, I’m overcome with joy, and I place both hands on my belly. It’s silly, I know. There’s nothing to feel. It’ll be months before he or she starts to kick. But it’s growing inside me. Someone tiny to take care of and shower with love.
I can already picture it: the nursery, the adorable clothes. Me sitting in a rocking chair, singing a lullaby until the baby falls asleep. I can practically smell that sweet and sugary scent of a newborn.
There is just one question mark. How will Blake take this?
My heart begins to thrum faster again, the panic barreling back in as I leave the building. I’m happy I didn’t come by car because I couldn’t concentrate on driving. The walk will do me good. Maybe by the time I get home I’ll have my thoughts together.
Except I want to keep thinking about the baby because that seems safer. With Blake, this could play out too many ways. I distinctly remember him telling me that starting a family right now is the last thing he wants. We’ve been growing close, but a baby is a huge and permanent thing, and I am starting to panic for real.
Sweat breaks out of my forehead, and I stop at a kiosk to buy a bottle of water. I gurgle down the ice-cold liquid, and it helps me calm down somewhat. Blake is a good man through and through. Still, the prospect of talking to him sends my mind into a tailspin, again.
What if he won’t want me for good...or the baby? My eyes sting at the mere thought that he’d push me—us—away. One would think that at this point in my life, I’d be a pro at dealing with rejection, but I am far from it. Every time I deal with it, I feel like that eleven-year-old again, who was dropped at the orphanage with a pink slip of paper in her hand. I guess some wounds never really
heal.
I’m ridiculous. I’ve seen Blake with his nieces and nephews. He adores them. I don’t doubt that. He plays with them, spoils them, never ever loses his patience. Whether he wants me for good or not, he’ll do right by the baby. I know he will.
But I really hope he’ll want me too.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Clara
“Thank God they’re feeding us at least,” Theresa exclaims. She’s a fellow candidate for the illustrator position. They called in thirty candidates from the pool of two hundred who applied, and we were all asked to come here at eight o’clock this morning. We’re interviewing with different people. So far, I’ve had six interviews and my head is spinning. The whole thing will last until five o’clock.
“Amen!” I say as we head toward the buffet lined up in the entrance area of the waiting room. “But I have to be quick because my next interview starts in ten minutes.”
“Mine in twenty. No matter the outcome today, I’m going to have a bubble bath tonight.”
“I love bubble baths too.” But I won’t be taking one tonight. I have a very important thing to do, namely tell Blake about the baby—yes, I’m that much of a coward. I’ve known for an entire week, and I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him. Not only that, but I kept to myself as much as possible, afraid that Blake would see right through me otherwise. I’ve been using the interview and the custom illustration I had to do for today as an excuse, but I’m not sure he’s buying it.
Tonight is the night, though.
I bought a pair of baby shoes, which I plan to use as an introduction. It’s a bit cheesy, but I’m feeling very cheesy these days. I’m blaming the hormones. I’ve been carrying the shoes in my purse since I bought them. Sometimes between interviews, I look through my bag so I can see them.