Dad Bod (Under Construction 1)

“Carter just told you the date was a bust.”

“So you didn’t get laid?”

“Is pussy the only thing you think about?”

Mav’s lip twists in a smirk as he considers my question. “Fuck yes, it is.” Then he thinks for a minute and says, “And food.”

Despicable.

“No, I didn’t get laid. And I doubt that had I propositioned her, she’d been willing. Sex is probably too dirty for her. Fuck, she probably Lysol’s her damn vibrator after every thrust.” I shudder as thoughts of my dick and a loofa flood my mind again.

“Wait, did you say Lysol?” Carter asks in surprise, and when I don’t answer, he turns to Maverick. “Lysol. I heard that right? Fuckin’ Lysol? What kind of dirty whore did you find on fuckin’ Bumble?”

“Dude, you’re the one who picked my date. Ellie, the cute blonde. Remember?”

“But she was cute! She didn’t look like a damn whore.”

How the hell does he misconstrue everything I say?

“Did he say we’re gettin’ whores, ’cause if so, I know where we can get a two-for-one special,” Fifty chimes in, his eyes already dilated from one too many Budweiser’s. Well, if we make it to Poker, I know which asshole I’m takin’ to the bank.

“Quieten the hell down. If Laney hears you say anything about me gettin’ pussy elsewhere, my ass will be in the doghouse, and damn if I ain’t there enough as is.” Carter puts up a good front, but I’ve known him long enough to know how much truth is behind that statement. Something has been off with him and Lan for a while now, but hey, I’m not one to meddle; I leave that up to the females.

“If you drunkards would shut up long enough for me to get a word in edgewise, you’d actually understand what I’m saying.”

“Well, don’t keep us waitin’ in suspense, lil’ buddy. You done got us excited for whores.” Fifty claps his beer bottle against Mav’s in cheers.

Damn it, why didn’t I bring a fuckin’ coloring book. Isn’t it believed that coloring is a damn good stress reliever? Shit, maybe I should start carrying them around in my truck and take a time-out when these assholes get out of hand on the job site. Maverick may be on to something. “Ellie wasn’t a whore. She was an obsessive compulsive germophobe. She freaked out and left before I could even enjoy a conversation with her.”

“What did she freak out over?” What didn’t she freak the fuck over? I keep replaying that date over and over in my head. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at lobster the same, and damnit I love that shit.

“Let’s just say, she’s too sensitive to be in public. I don’t know, guys. Maybe I need to chalk it up to what it is and let it be.” Which would be the easiest, right? It’s about time something in this life of mine is easy. Hell, we have cable.

“Bullshit. I get pussy every damn night. Gimme your phone.” Mav motions toward me.

“Nah thanks. I don’t need a one-night stand, Mav. I’m actually looking for something more meaningful than that.”

“I know that, asshole. Just gimme your phone. You let Carter pick your last date, and that was an epic-fuckin’-fail. Carter’s game’s about as hard as yours. He’s married. He doesn’t know what single men are looking for. Let the playboy find you some tail.”

I slide my phone out of my pocket and hand it to Maverick because what could it hurt? That loud mouth of his isn’t going to stop until I do, and I sure as hell don’t want Lan and them involved. He swipes left again and again, browsing through the profiles I have saved in favorites. “You been talkin’ to any of these broads?” Mav asks.

“I introduced myself to all of them just to strike up a conversation. A few have res—”

“Bingo, fucker!”

“What?”

Mav begins texting out a conversation. “Dude, just remember that ain’t your profile, so keep it respectful and PG-13 for now.”

“PG-13? Dude, you’re never gettin’ laid with that attitude.”

I’m not sure how this ass ever made it through school; doesn’t he listen to anything anyone says? How many times do I have to tell him that I’m not just looking to ‘hook-up’. Not that some sex wouldn’t be nice. Hell, it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything other than my hand. I’m not sure my dick would even operate right.

Note to self—tick ‘Find new friends’ a little higher up on the list of priorities.

“Her name is Jasmine. I started the conversation off. Do you think you can handle this, or should I text her and just let you show up to the date and get your dick wet?”

“Why do you think my only goal is sex?”