“Let’s just say you stopped by for a visit the night Carly told you about me and shit got real. You plannin’ on bein’ man enough to fix any of that shit?”
“Ashton, man I ain’t gotta clue what you’re talkin’ about, but I think it’s best you leave. Like I said, I’m here to have supper with my daughter, not reminisce with you.” I growl at him as my breathin’ quickens. I ain’t got a damn clue what he’s talkin’ bout. Ain’t
had my ass on Miller’s Branch and don’t plan to visit that shit holler anytime soon.
Without another word about it, Luke stands from the table as he tells Heidi Jo goodbye. He nods his head down at me, then takes a step away from the table before turnin’ back and sayin’, “I ain’t your enemy, Weston. She needs you. Better man up and figure this shit out.” Before I can reply Luke makes his way to the counter, leavin’ me stunned by his mass of confusion, yet again.
Heidi Jo and I finish up supper, then make a quick and painless trip to the mall. We were gonna see a movie, but decided to hit the Red Box instead. Once we’re settled in at home, I make my famous homemade hot chocolate, popcorn and peanut butter kiss cookies while Heidi Jo sets up a movie fort in the livin’ room.
I carry the snacks into the livin’ room, placin’ them on the coffee table then put Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 in the DVD player. Crawlin’ inside of the fort, I prop myself up by my elbow on a throw pillow and start the movie. Heidi Jo is on her belly with her chin propped in her hands, her feet kickin’ back and forth lazily. I pull my phone from my pocket and snap a quick picture without her noticin’. It’s the little moments that mean the most, and I pray to God I can always make every moment in my little girl’s life a happy memory. I scroll through the pictures in my phone while the previews play, and within seconds I wish I hadn’t. I must have groaned because Heidi Jo turns towards me, with her eye brows scrunched deep between her eyes.
“What’s wrong, Daddy?”
“Nothin’ princess, just lookin’ at a picture I had taken of you layin’ there.”
“You miss Carly Jo, don’t ya Daddy?” She asks as she curls her arms around my neck. I hug her tight, pattin’ her little shoulder.
“I’m fine, baby girl. Let’s watch your movie, okay. Your snacks are on the coffee table, don’t let your hot chocolate get cold.” She sits back on her tiny heels, cocks her head to the side and looks deep in my eyes like she’s searchin’ for the pain that lies beneath the surface of my rough exterior.
“You ain’t gotta be tough all the time, ya know. I miss her too. Why don’t you like her friend?” I’m staring at my little seven year old daughter in bewilderment, because she’s just too young to understand the gravity of my love life. To her, it’s simple. If I think Carly Jo is pretty, we should ride off in the sunset together and live happily ever after. Too bad it ain’t that easy.
“What makes you think I’m actin’ tough, little girl?”
“Cause when Carly Jo was around, you were always happy. She hasn’t been here lately, and you act sad and look mad all the time. But you try to smile, because you’re actin’ tough.”
“You’re pretty smart, ya know that kid.” I say scrubbin’ my hand against the top of her head, which causes her to roll her eyes at me.
“So, why don’t you like her friend, Daddy?”
“Heidi Jo, are you talkin’ ‘bout Luke?”
“Yeah, the big guy that colored with me today. What did he do wrong? You got mad when you saw Carly Jo talkin’ to him once before and you’re never nice to him. Is he a bad guy?”
“No, he ain’t a bad guy.”
“But Daddy, if he ain’t a bad guy, why are you mean to him? Just because he’s a boy and he’s Carly Jo’s friend don’t mean she can’t be your girlfriend. I’m friends with all kinds of boys and ain’t none of them my boyfriend. But if any of them were, I’d still be friends with the other boys. It don’t make sense not to, Daddy.”
I crawl out of the fort in search for fresh air because her interrogation has me suffocatin’. “Baby girl, this is all adult stuff, you really shouldn’t worry too much about it. Just worry about little girl stuff and dance.” I tell her as I prop open the back door, bracin’ my arms on the top of the door jamb to suck the oxygen into my lungs. My chest is tight and my head pounds as the blood rushes quickly to my brain.
“You okay, Daddy? Your face is red and there is a big ugly vein over your eye that’s shakin’. Do I need to get Mamaw?” She says as she shifts her weight from foot to foot, watchin’ me intently as I try to pull my shit together. I pinch my eyes shut and suck in a deep breath, tryin’ to calm my shaken nerves. I pull the door shut and scoop my princess up in my arms, holdin’ her tight. Seven years old, an abundance of joy and innocence yet she sees the big picture, even when I can’t.
I carry Heidi Jo into the livin’ room and set her on the couch, before grabbin’ her mug of hot chocolate and handin’ it to her. She has her eye brow cocked up in confusion, but she doesn’t say anything about my panic attack. I toss a cookie in my mouth, then talk around it, askin’ if she wants to watch the movie in the fort or on the couch. Of course she picks the fort, what cool kid wouldn’t pick the fort? We crawl in the fort, snacks in hand this time, and flick the movie on. Within minutes she is engrossed in the movie, not givin’ any thought to our conversation.
I lace my fingers behind my head and lay back in our make shift fort; starin’ up at the music note printed sheet deep in thought. Is it all that simple, and I’m just bein’ an ass? I let my thoughts consume me, processin’ every scenario possible that comes to mind. Heidi Jo’s snores startle me, and I realize I’ve spent the entire length of the movie analyzin’ the gravity of the situation. And I’m not an inch closer to figurin’ a damn thing out now than I was an hour ago. I cover Heidi Jo with her blanket, crawlin’ out of the fort to stretch my legs. When I stand to my feet, my head pounds with a fierce intensity. I grab some Motrin from the medicine cabinet then stretch out on the couch to try to ease the migraine that’s invadin’. The more my head pounds, the harder I think about the facts, the madder I get. I’m a dumb prick with tunnel vision, only seein’ what my mind wants me to see. I’ve let my own insecurities and jealousy come between me and the woman I love.
I slowly cross the tracks and make my way up the small holler. With each house I pass my anxiety and anticipation builds, suffocatin’ me like a boulder’s layin’ on my chest. After two miles of dilapidated, junky trailers and houses, I come upon the small battered house that Luke lives in with his old man. I put my truck in park and as the engine dies I lean back in the seat, takin’ a deep breath to calm my nerves.
Miller’s Branch is small, narrow holler filled with broken down homes. Literally and figuratively. It’s filled to the brim with low income families battlin’ poverty and the cheese line for their next meal. Luke Ashton was raised here.
Climbin’ out of my truck I make my way up to the porch where the boards are squeakin’ and givin’ protest to my thick weight. Knocking on the front door, I realize that the screen has literally been ripped from the hinges, with splintered wood stickin’ out of the door jamb. Damn, somebody had a bad, drunken stupor. The front door pulls open slowly, and I look away from the splintered wood to see Luke scowlin’ down at me with a cocked eye brow.
“Come to assess your damage here, Hulk?” He laughs, but I don’t get the joke. He steps aside for me to walk in. Damn, the inside is just as bad as the outside. Patched up holes scatter paint chipped walls. The windows are dark and mildew stained, while the furniture is as old as I am, worn and weathered. I take a seat on the edge of the couch, bracin’ my elbows on my knees as I wait for Luke to sit down.
“I don’t know how to fight for her without smotherin’ her. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I know I did her wrong in the past, which is the only reason I’m here askin’ for your advice.” A sour taste coats my tongue as I admit defeat. “I don’t know how you got so close to Carly Jo, or why. But she trusts you. A little too much for my likin’ but if I have any chance in hell at forever with her, I guess I need to accept that you’re in her life. Tell me how I’m supposed to do that?” Luke releases the deep pent up breath he’s been holdin’ onto for far too long, and the red in his cheeks melts away with his deep breath.
“Your number one mistake was taking her for granted. Secondly, you thought that just because you had a grip around her, your hold was too tight for her to wiggle from. You seem to have forgot that she’s as tough as nails. You lied to her once before, and when you hid the truth from her causing your accident, you stripped her trust in you. She over reacted because she really didn’t know how else to deal. She thought that if you would have hidden something from her that could consequently cost her the company that it was hard to tell what other secrets you would have left buried.” He explains in a low tone. “She, no” he shakes his head, “we both know that what happened between us was one big ass mistake. Hell, Carly ignoring me for the entire month after was clear enough of a signal for me to know that I had no future with her. I’m fine with that, but I need her friendship. I want her happy, Weston. You are the only one who can make her happy. You just need to see that I’m not your enemy and learn to forgive her and me, like she forgave you.”
“How do you know she forgave me?”