Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“We weren’t even fighting,” I grumbled, trying not to show how instantly electrified I was by his words. I didn’t expect him to actually kiss me, but the prospect of it as I tilted my head up to meet his gaze left me almost breathless. The little breath I had left almost disappeared completely when I saw his head descending closer to mine. I was frozen in shock. The last thing I expected was for Logan to actually kiss me, yet I couldn’t move away. A hundred thoughts swirled in my head, one of them being that kissing Logan was definitely not okay when I had a boyfriend. That didn’t explain my disappointment when I felt his lips press against my forehead in an affectionate, almost brotherly kiss. It also didn’t explain why that chaste kiss made my heart race.

I tried to smile casually when we broke apart, praying that my outward expression didn’t show how his perfunctory kiss on the forehead had made me feel. I tried to cover my reaction by making a joke.

“Now that we’ve had our make-up sex, I’m starving. Let’s go to the Half Pitcher.”

Logan grinned. “Wow, this is the least amount of time we’ve spent at the sea otter exhibit. Maybe we should have a lover’s quarrel every time we come to the aquarium. It saves me from having to stare at them for hours on end.”

I rolled my eyes as I pulled him away from the exhibit. “Just count yourself lucky this time. Let’s go.”

I lectured myself that I needed to take his comments as they were meant to be taken, simply as jokes, instead of something more. I craved the easy banter we usually had, and I resolved to try to keep my composure for the rest of the day.

Chapter Three

Even though we had spent much less time at the aquarium than normal, it was already early evening by the time we arrived at the Half Pitcher. I was feeling like myself again and was looking forward to a beer and a huge plate of nachos.

The bar was pretty full, despite it being early, and we were lucky to snag one of the last tables. I couldn’t help but notice women glancing at Logan as we walked through the bar. His dark blond hair begged for a woman to run her fingers through it and his navy sweater made his eyes seem even bluer. He was the perfect walking image of a Ralph Lauren advertisement. I should have been used to the gawking by now, but I was still as keenly aware as ever of the female attention he drew. My awareness of it was even more pronounced today since I had engaged in a little gawking myself this morning. It wasn’t that I was jealous, especially since I had no claim on him. It was just so blatant that it was hard to ignore.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Logan asked after the waitress had served us our beers and taken o

ur food order.

“I’m not sure. Adam said he needs to work on his book all weekend, so I might hang out with Emily.” I took a long swallow of my beer, welcoming the cold liquid that slid down my throat. “What about you?”

Logan shrugged. “Nothing much. I’ll probably hit the gym but that’s about it.”

I raised my eyebrows at him quizzically. “What was the song and dance you gave Ella about being busy all weekend? She must really be getting the ax.”

He frowned and stared down at his beer bottle, absentmindedly picking at the label. “Like I said, she’s getting a little demanding. I told her when we started seeing each other that I didn’t want anything serious, and she agreed, but now she’s pushing for more.”

“Is that so wrong? Why do you have such a fear of commitment? You’re twenty-eight years old, Logan. It’s time to invest a little more in a woman instead of just looking for a good time. Since I’ve known you, you’ve never dated the same woman for more than four months.”

Logan looked at me, his blue eyes dark. “That’s not true.”

My insides clenched at my mistake. “You know what I meant. As an adult.”

He didn’t say anything for a few beats, but I didn’t miss the tension in his face. When he finally did speak, it was to turn the tables on me.

“So, I should be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship, even if I’m not in love with that person? What’s the appropriate time period for that? Three years?”

Logan’s biting words cut into me, not only because of his tone but because it was so out of character for him. Logan was always patient and understanding with me, almost to a fault. It was jarring to hear him speak so caustically.

“That’s not fair,” I said, my grip on my beer bottle tightening. “You can’t compare my relationship with Adam to your non-relationships. Besides, I never said I wasn’t in love with him anymore. In fact, I think the problem is that I’m not committed enough to him. I keep pushing him away when instead I should be getting closer to him. The problems in our relationship are mostly my fault.”

“That’s bullshit,” Logan said bluntly. “That asshole is so self-involved that he can’t love anyone besides himself. Do you really think he’s writing the Great American Novel? More likely, he’s shitting away his parents’ money while pretending like he’s some sort of intellectual. In reality, he couldn’t think his way out of a paper bag.”

I was shocked by Logan’s character assassination of Adam. They were far from being best friends, but Logan had always seemed to view Adam as a mildly amusing distraction the few times we had all hung out together. And I was always appreciative of Adam not being threatened by my friendship with Logan. He took me for my word when I told him we were just friends, and seemed to regard Logan as a friendly acquaintance.

Anger flared inside me at Logan’s words. It was one thing for me to have doubts about Adam. It was another thing for Logan to say such cruel things about him. Despite knowing that our conversation was spiraling out of control, instead of trying to neutralize the situation, I wanted to return his hurtful barb with one in kind.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said icily, my voice dripping with contempt. “I guess you’re just used to being around people like Ella. What is she again? A neurosurgeon? A rocket scientist? Oh yeah, she doesn’t have a job. She has mommy and daddy supporting her, too. Sounds like she and Adam have a lot in common, although at least I know for sure that he knows how to read and write. I have my doubts about Ella. The last conversation I had with her, she told me she never votes because she doesn’t like waiting in lines and the ballot machines are confusing.”

My words were ugly, and I wanted to take them back as soon as I said them, but my indignant anger wouldn’t let me. I expected Logan to lash out again, but he was silent as he watched me, looking sad more than anything else.

“Madison, this isn’t us,” he finally said. “Why are we fighting like this?”

I was instantly deflated by his words, my anger disappearing as quickly as it had flared. This wasn’t us. We never spoke to each other like this, and I didn’t know how our conversation had gotten out of hand so quickly.

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling genuinely contrite. “I just got defensive when you started insulting Adam.”