Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“I didn’t realize it was a crime to care. I’ll keep my mouth shut, and you can drown your sorrows as much as you’d like.”

I blinked at him, taken aback by his abrasive tone. Even though he was just reacting to my own combativeness, it was unexpected and jarred me out of my drunkenness. I didn’t understand what was happening between us. We had been up and down all day, having spats and then making up. I was used to our friendship being easy and full of fun, not this roller coaster ride.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked away and kept my gaze on the tables around us, only vaguely aware of the boisterous crowd laughing and having a good time. My thoughts were jumbled, not helped by the haze of alcohol as I fought to keep my mind clear. When the waitress came back with my beer, the sound of it hitting the table as she placed it in front of me seemed to echo throughout the bar, despite it being so noisy.

My eyes flicked to Logan when I heard him sigh. He looked tired and resigned. “This isn’t an easy time for me, either. Maybe I’m taking it out on you.”

I lowered my gaze and just stared silently at my beer. I knew where this was leading and it was a topic I didn’t want to venture into, so I just kept my mouth shut.

“Maddie, look at me,” he said gently.

My eyes shot to his. “Don’t call me that. You know I hate being called that.” My voice was quiet, but that didn’t mask the fierce intensity behind it. Maddie was a nickname I hated, and it was especially distasteful hearing it from Logan’s lips.

His mouth tightened at my reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” He took a deep breath. “It just slipped out.”

“I think it’s time to go home.”

Logan didn’t protest and indicated for the waitress to bring over our check. I grabbed my wallet from my purse when she set the bill on the table with a bright smile and wished us a good night, oblivious to the tension between us. I reached for the check, but Logan’s one word stopped me.

“Don’t.”

He had a habit of always wanting to pay for everything, which I thought was unfair since we were just friends. I usually put up a fight and sometimes won and treated him, but those instances were few and far between. This time I just kept my mouth shut. I was uncomfortable and tense, not to mention still tipsy, and I thought it best to just get out of there as soon as possible.

I left my untouched bottle of beer on the table, and we filed out of the bar without speaking. I wanted to take a cab home so I could escape Logan’s company as soon as possible, but I knew that would result in another fight, so I just climbed into his SUV without saying a word.

The drive to my apartment was quiet and tense, and I could see how tightly he was gripping the steering wheel by his white knuckles. I wasn’t sure if I was angry with him or at myself for overreacting. Either way, I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“You can just drop me off,” I said when he started to parallel park into an empty spot on my street. “You don’t need to come up.”

Logan ignored me as he finished parking, and cut off the ignition. He turned to me, his face grim and shadowed in the darkness of the car. “We need to talk. I’m coming up.”

I crossed my arms against my chest, trying to put some sort of barrier between us so that I didn’t feel so vulnerable. Letting Logan come up to my apartment right now would be a big mistake. Neither of us was acting like our normal self, and I was scared of what that could lead to.

“We can talk here.”

Logan sighed and turned away from me, resting his head back against his seat. “Madison, why are you upset with me?”

“I’m not.” I forced my tone to be emotionless because I was afraid of what might spill out of me if I wasn’t careful. “I’m just tired, and like you said, I’ve had too much to drink. I just want to go to bed.”

“You know I care about you.” His voice was hushed but it seemed to fill the interior of the car. My heart started thudding against my ribcage but I tried to keep calm.

“I care about you, too,” I replied, trying to paste a smile on my face. “You’re one of my closest friends, and I value your friendship. Let’s just forget about what happened today. Both of us seem to be on edge. You’re probably tired from being overworked. As for me, maybe it’s just that time of the month.”

My lame joke fell flat, making me feel foolish as the silence stretched on between us. I fidgeted nervously, wanting to fling the car door open and run to my apartment, away from this uncomfortable situation.

“Okay,” Logan said finally, turning towards me. He tried to smile but it was half-hearted. “We’ll just blame it on your hormones.”

I tried to laugh but it sounded forced. I made my voice cheerful. “Well, thanks for driving me home. I’ll talk to you later.”

Logan nodded, an inscrutable expression on his face. “Sure. Talk to you later.”

I hesitated, feeling like I should say more, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. Instead, I just opened the car door and stepped out, closing it behind me. I awkwardly waved at Logan through the car window and then turned around, forcing myself to not run to the entrance of my apartment building and away from his piercing gaze. After I unlocked the front door, I turned around and gave one last wave, but Logan just watched me without returning the wave.

I was relieved when I closed the door behind me and he was out of sight. I ran up the flights of stairs to my apartment, careful to hold the handrail since all the beer I drank was still affecting me. The first thing I did when I got to my apartment was walk over to the living room window that faced out onto the street. Logan’s car was still parked there, and I held my breath as I waited for him to leave.

Minutes went by and still the car just sat there. I was starting to wonder if he was planning on staying there all night when he finally pulled out into the street and drove off. Instead of feeling relieved, my chest tightened as I watched the tail lights of his car disappear.

Chapter Four