Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“I think we need some time apart.” I tried not to be swayed by the darkening of Logan’s expression and kept on talking. “I know you don’t agree, but I’m still trying to process the idea of us together. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care deeply about you, because I do. But now that Mrs. Brooks knows, it’s making everything so much harder. Maybe I can try to reason with her, try to help her realize that she’s sick. It would make things so much easier between us if I wasn’t constantly worried that our relationship could possibly hurt her.”

The expression on Logan’s face was grim. “Why are you letting all of this come between us? I know you care about Cassie’s mother, but how long are you going to let her delusions dictate your life? I’m tired of living in the past.”

“Please, Logan. I’m just asking for a little time to figure things out.”

“Just how much is a little time?”

“I’m not sure,” I said, feeling helpless. “This hurts me as much as it hurts you, but in the long run I think it’s for the best.”

Logan studied me for a while as a dozen emotions flickered across his face, ranging from anger to anguish. When he finally spoke, there was only resignation left. “Somehow, I doubt that,” he said. “I’ve been fooling myself this entire time. I kept thinking that once the barriers were gone, you would want to be with me. But now you’re just inventing reasons to keep us apart.”

“That’s not true,” I said fervently, trying to make him understand. “I want us to be together. I just need to deal with Mrs. Brooks first.”

“You’ve been dealing with her mental illness for eight years, and things still haven’t changed. What’s going to be different this time?”

“I don’t know.” My voice was quiet because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t really even know what the hell I was doing right now by asking Logan for a break. I just knew I could never figure things out with him around, because when he was near, all I wanted to do was lose myself in his arms and forget about everything else. Unfortunately, that just masked the reality of the situation.

“Does the fact that I love you change anything?”

Logan’s words pierced through me, and my heart ached. I felt both elation and dread from his statement. As much as I wished differently, I wasn’t ready for his love because my disgust for myself made me unlovable.

He laughed harshly with no trace of humor when I didn’t respond right away. “I guess that’s my answer.”

“I just…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. “You saying that means so much to me. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate it. I just need some time.”

“I’m glad you appreciate it,” he said bitterly. “Take all the time you need. I’m done.”

He stalked to the door and flung it open. I scrambled after him, afraid that I had ruined everything.

“Logan, wait!” I had an irrational fear that, if he walked out the door, I would never see him again. He turned to me but his face was expressionless, his eyes cold. I frantically tried to think of something to say that would make things better. I had the fleeting thought of telling him I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if that was true. As much as I wanted to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time apart, I couldn’t, because I truly believed I needed it.

His eyes narrowed as I continued to just stand there, struggling to come up with something that would make him understand. Before I could get any words out, he turned around and walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

I had no tears left, so I just stood there, frozen in a nightmare of my own doing. I had just sent away someone I cared deeply about, but I had been unable to stop myself. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just give me some time to sort through all of this. Why did it have to be now or never?

I expressed the same sentiments to Emily when she called later that night.

“Madison, he’s been waiting for you for three years! Actually, even longer when you think about it! It’s been more like eight. The man’s not a saint. He has a breaking point.”

“I just asked for a little more time,” I said, trying to convince myself as much as Emily that I had made the right decision.

“Time for what?” Emily’s voice softened as she continued to speak. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but why do you have to figure out your feelings apart from Logan? Let him be there for you.”

“Because I can’t think straight when he’s around. Nothing else seems to matter when I’m with him.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Emily questioned.

“Not when I don’t know what to do. It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and be with Logan, but I have to think about Mrs. Brooks.”

“Why?” Emily sounded truly puzzled, and I felt like I was having the same conversation with her as I had with Logan. She was voicing the same viewpoints as he had, and I had a sinking feeling that I had made a horrible mistake by asking for some time apart.

“Mrs. Brooks was like a mother to me. It went beyond her taking me shopping for my first bra or trying to explain why boys acted like idiots in middle school. She listened to me, spent time with me, even when Cassie wasn’t around. She was someone I knew I could always depend on, and she filled a void in my life that my father was never able to, as hard as he tried. She deserves a little consideration for all that she’s done for me.”

“Madison, I get that she was there for you growing up,” Emily said gently. “I understand why you care about her and why you’re concerned for her. But she’s not the same woman you grew up with. She’s sick. You can’t let her sickness dictate your life.”

I made a sound of frustration. “Why does this have to be so complicated? I’m so tired of all of this. Maybe I should just become a nun and join a convent.”

Emily laughed. “First of all, you’re not Catholic. Second of all, from what you’ve told me about Logan, passing up his skills in bed would be a sin.”