Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

I groaned at her lascivious comment, but it helped to lighten my mood a little. Leave it to Emily to use humor to help me in my moment of despair. I hadn’t told her much about my intimate relationship with Logan, despite her repeated demands for details, but apparently she was able to assume a lot from the scant information I had given her. Not that she was wrong. Being with Logan, both in and out of bed, was unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

Emily commiserated with me for a little while longer before we ended the call. She had put serious doubts in my mind about my break from Logan, and I was coming to realize that maybe I had made a rash decision. Maybe I wasn’t thinking properly because I was so upset about my encounter with Mrs. Brooks.

I decided to not torture myself anymore with thoughts of having made a mistake and leave it for tomorrow. Although there was a sense of urgency in making things right with Logan, I didn’t want to make another impulsive decision that I would end up regretting. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the one thing I was confident of was that Logan wouldn’t just abandon me. If I decided that I was wrong about asking for time apart, I would go to Logan and apologize, and he would take me back. He had to.

I was able to fall asleep with those comforting thoughts, telling myself that tomorrow was another day and I could make things right then.

Chapter Fourteen

Work was abandoned the next day, and I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon going back and forth about whether I had made the right decision. I almost called Logan a dozen times to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time apart, but I always stopped myself before dialing his number.

By late afternoon, I was mentally exhausted, but I had finally come to a decision and I felt a sense of peace now that it had been settled. I picked up my cell phone, but this time I allowed myself to go through with calling Logan.

The phone rang for a while and I was afraid that it would go to voicemail. Now that I had made my choice, I wanted to speak to Logan right away. I was relieved when he finally picked up.

“Hello.” His voice was curt and short, but I wasn’t surprised. I had put him through the wringer with all my ups and downs these past few weeks.

“Hi, Logan,” I said cautiously. I wanted a chance to say everything I needed to and was afraid he wouldn’t give me the opportunity. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

There was silence on the phone, and I held my breath until he responded.

“Go ahead. Talk.”

Despite his cold tone, I was relieved that he was giving me a chance to speak instead of just hanging up on me.

I took a deep breath and then just let everything spill out. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I made a mistake asking for time apart. I was just so upset about what happened with Mrs. Brooks that I let it cloud my judgment. I know you’ve had to put up with a lot from me, and I’m sorry for that. My guilt over Cassie has been a part of me for eight years, and it’s hard to let it go and just live my life. I think I’m afraid that if I let the guilt go, I’m betraying Cassie all over again. Like I’m absolving myself of what I did in the past. I’m starting to realize that I need to move on with my life. Holding onto the guilt doesn’t change what happened, and I need to take control of what happens today. And today, I want to be happy. Being happy means being with you. All the other stuff shouldn’t matter, and I’m going to try hard to not let it interfere wit

h our relationship. I still care about Mrs. Brooks, but you’re right. She’s sick, and I can’t let a sick person dictate how I live my life.” I paused before continuing, unnerved by the absolute silence on the other end of the line. “I want us to get back together. I promise to try to work through my issues and I promise that I’ll stop running from you when things get tough. I care so much about you, and I don’t want to lose you.”

I gripped my phone tightly in my hand. I had nothing left to say. I felt sick to my stomach as the silence stretched on, and I was about to start speaking again, just to fill the empty void, when he finally spoke.

“It’s too late.” His voice was flat and expressionless, and it shot right through my heart. “You feel this way today, but you’ll probably change your mind tomorrow. And if it’s not tomorrow, it’ll be the next day after that. I meant it yesterday when I said I was done. We’re finished, Madison.”

Shock wasn’t a strong enough word to describe my reaction. Despite my nervousness, I had been sure that Logan would give me another chance. He always had. Maybe he just wanted me to work for it more. I didn’t blame him since I had run from him so many times when my guilt over Cassie’s death became too much.

“Logan, please,” I said, my voice breaking. “I know I made a mistake. Give me a chance to make it up to you.”

He continued talking as if he hadn’t heard my plea. “I’ve decided to transfer to the Los Angeles office of my firm. They requested the transfer yesterday when they made me a partner because of major plans to grow that office, but I declined because I didn’t want to leave Chicago. I didn’t want to leave you.” He paused for a moment before speaking again. “There’s nothing holding me here anymore, so I’ll be leaving in a week. I don’t expect to hear from you during that time.”

“Wait!” I said, afraid that he would hang up before I got a chance to respond. Logan couldn’t really be moving to Los Angeles. He couldn’t really be refusing to give me another chance. “Please—let’s talk about this in person. Just give me a chance to explain and make it up to you.”

“You’ve already given me your explanation. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I’ve wasted enough years on our imaginary relationship. Because that’s what I’ve realized it all was: imaginary. I waited a long time for you, Madison, and I’m not waiting any longer.”

“But you don’t have to wait!” I cried, unaware of the tears that were streaming down my face. “I’m right here! I’m ready for a relationship with you! A real one!”

“I left a box of your stuff from my apartment with my doorman,” Logan said calmly, as if I wasn’t on the edge of hysteria. “Pick it up at your leisure. I don’t need any of my belongings that I’ve left in your apartment. You can just throw it all out.”

The call disconnected and I stared disbelievingly at my phone This couldn’t be it. Logan was just punishing me for pushing him away all the time. He couldn’t really be moving to L.A. He couldn’t really be leaving me behind.

My mind raced, trying to decide what to do next. I doubted he would pick up if I called again. It didn’t matter because I needed to see him in person. I needed to talk to him face-to-face so that he would realize I was serious this time.

I paced my apartment, angrily swiping at the tears that refused to stop. This had to be some sort of test. He just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t let my fears get in between us again.

It was a long time before I calmed down, but I knew what I needed to do. I quickly changed clothes and tried to make myself look presentable by putting on some make-up. I grabbed my purse and flew down the stairs of my apartment building. I ran out into the middle of the street and nearly stepped in front of a cab to stop it. I breathlessly gave the driver the address of Logan’s apartment. I had to believe that I could convince Logan to give me another chance. He had been such a steady presence in my life for so long that I couldn’t believe he was able to just walk away.

I was a ball of nerves when I got to Logan’s building, although I doubted he would be home. It was only just past six o’clock, so he was probably still at work.

I tried to smile at the doorman as I walked into his building, although it was tremulous at best.