Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

ht now,” I spat out, fighting to keep my voice steady, “but I’m not willing to be a participant. Your girlfriend is in the other room while you’re groping me. Don’t you feel any shame about that?”

Logan shrugged as if he didn’t have a care in the world, but his eyes said otherwise. They burned into me with an emotion I didn’t understand.

“Just because I have a girlfriend doesn’t mean we can’t have fun on the side. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

I gaped at him, utterly and completely shocked by the words coming from his mouth. “What happened to you?” I asked, aghast. “What happened to the Logan who was kind and considerate? Even when you were dating a new woman every month, you were honest with them and took their feelings into consideration. Now, you’re just some asshole who’s looking for a piece on the side. We were friends for a long time before anything happened between us. Does that mean nothing to you, that you can treat me so cruelly?”

“You mean when I waited for you for eight fucking years, and you just threw me aside like I meant nothing?” His hands clenched into fists and a muscle in his jaw twitched reflexively. “I wasted so many years on you, only to have you ask me for some time.” He spat out the last word as if it disgusted him. “I figure you owe me a piece of ass now and then for all the time I put in.”

“You’re sick,” I hissed, feeling nauseous by who he had become. I wanted to scream at him, but I forced myself to keep my voice low so the others in the next room couldn’t hear me. “You’re not the only one who was hurt. I asked for one last fucking chance, and you wouldn’t even give it to me. Instead, you paraded Ella in front of me to hurt me. Is that what you’re doing with Kristina now? And for you to say you waited eight years is laughable. You came back into my life five years after Cassie died, so don’t pretend like you were fucking pining away for me all that time!”

“That’s because you wouldn’t have anything to do with me! How many times did I reach out to you for you to reject me? Hell, I even came to see you after you transferred schools because I stupidly thought you would change your mind once you saw me in person. Instead, you told me you hated me and never wanted to see me again. I waited five goddamn years because I thought that would give you enough time to get over Cassie’s death, yet you still kept me at arm’s length. I had to be a fucking patsy while I watched you piss your life away with that idiot boyfriend, only to have you reject me again when he was finally out of the picture.”

As quickly as my anger had flared, it dissipated. What the hell were we doing? We were dredging up the past again, hurting each other again. Why couldn’t we just let the other one go? Hearing that Logan had waited to give me enough time to get over Cassie’s death before coming back into my life just made everything worse. I was tired of living my life through a haze of regrets.

“Stop,” I said, shaking my head. I quickly wiped away the tears that had unknowingly streamed down my cheeks while I had listened to him. “This isn’t healthy. It’s obvious that we can’t be friends anymore. Let’s just leave each other to live our lives in peace.”

I stepped around him to escape, but he grabbed my arm before I could walk past him.

“Maddie.” The anger on his face had vanished, replaced by an expression of remorse. His voice was full of sadness, and it only deepened my own desolation.

I shook his hand off my arm as I turned away from him. “Be happy, Logan,” I whispered. “There’s nothing left between us. We should stop before we hurt each other again.”

I grabbed my clutch from the floor and resumed walking to the door. I took hold of the doorknob like it was a lifeline and opened it, softly closing the door behind me.

The gaiety in the room as people laughed and drank grated on my senses. I was relieved to see Emily standing alone, and I made a beeline to her, waving away a waiter bearing a plate of hors d’oeuvres as politely as I could.

“We need to go,” I said quietly, trying to hide the tremor in my voice. I was grateful she didn’t ask any questions. The expression on my face must have been enough, and I followed her as she made her way through the crowd of people to reach the front door.

I glanced quickly behind me before I left and saw that Logan had stepped back into the party. He was watching me, and I couldn’t help locking eyes with him, but then he turned away, distracted by Kristina who touched his arm to get his attention. I turned back around and made my escape, my heart wrenching in pain.

Emily didn’t ask me any questions as we rode the elevator down. She waited until we were outside on the sidewalk in front of Logan’s building before saying anything.

“What happened?” she asked gently, obviously seeing my distress. “You were gone for a long time. You and Logan both. Kristina had just excused herself to find him when you came up to me.”

The thought that we had been so close to being caught made me nauseous. The bedroom door hadn’t been locked, and Kristina could have easily walked in to see Logan’s hands on me. I thought I had changed since my college days. I thought I had grown up and matured, but I was once again compromising someone else’s relationship for my own desires. Logan had been the aggressor, but I had let it happen.

“Logan’s excuse of inviting me to his party because he wants us to be friends was shot to hell,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “He basically told me he was willing to screw around with me on the side while he was with Kristina.”

Emily looked as shocked as I felt. “Are you sure? That doesn’t seem like something Logan would say.”

“There was no mistaking his intention. He made it clear that he was looking for nothing more than a roll in the hay.” I was too ashamed to tell her about how I had allowed Logan to touch me. “I think humiliating me was his way of getting revenge on me. He said he had wasted so many years waiting for me that he deserved some kind of compensation for it.”

“What a pig!” she exclaimed with a look of disgust. “L.A. must have corrupted him. Even though I never knew Logan as well as you did, I can’t imagine those words coming out of his mouth. Especially to you!” She bit her lip before continuing to speak. “Did you notice anything about Kristina?”

I shook my head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“She looks like you. I mean, she could be your freaking doppelganger. Don’t you think it’s a little creepy that his new girlfriend looks so much like you?”

I frowned at her. “I don’t think she looks that much like me. Sure, we both have long brown hair and green eyes, but that’s about it.”

Emily gave me a skeptical look. “It’s more than that. It’s not like you guys are Siamese twins, but if I didn’t know better, I would think you two were sisters. And it’s more than just her appearance. You said yourself that she’s different from all the other women he’s dated. She’s more down-to-earth and normal. Pretty in a classy way instead of over-the-top like those other women Logan’s dated. She reminds me of you.”

I couldn’t deny that there were some physical similarities between Kristina and I, but I thought Emily was taking it a little too far.

“Is that why you acted so weird when you saw her?” I asked. “You looked dumbstruck.”

“Seriously, it’s a little creepy.” Emily wrinkled her nose. “It’s like he found himself a stand-in because he couldn’t have the real thing.”