Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“But he could have if he wanted to. He’s the one who rejected me in the end. I was the one asking for another chance.” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I angrily swiped them away before they could escape. I was tired of feeling pathetic. “Let’s just go home. I want to go to bed and forget this night ever happened.”

We grabbed a cab, and I declined Emily’s offer to come over. I wanted to be alone in my misery, and I was sure she was tired of hearing about my problems with Logan. When the cab dropped me off in front of my building, I promised to call her the next day.

I was relieved when I was finally inside my apartment. I took my dress off and threw it on th

e floor of my bedroom. I would never be able to wear it again without thinking of Logan and what had happened tonight.

I stripped off my bra and tossed it next to the dress. I was reaching for a t-shirt in my dresser when I caught sight of my reflection in the full-length mirror next to my closet. My mind was instantly filled with images of Logan’s hand on my breast, teasing my nipple until I ached for him. I caught my breath as I remembered what his tanned hand looked like against my paler flesh as he caressed the aroused bud. There was an answering wetness between my legs at the memory and I couldn’t resist reaching up and touching my nipple. I rolled it between my thumb and forefinger, twisting it as I imagined it was Logan’s hand arousing me.

I whimpered at the thought and slipped my other hand beneath my panties, finding the wetness that I already knew would be there. I stroked myself as I continued to caress my nipple with my other hand, all the while imagining it was Logan who touched me. My eyes fluttered closed as I tipped my head back, and my breathing grew labored. My touches became more frenzied as pressure built up inside me. In my mind, Logan’s face darkened with desire as he stroked my swollen flesh.

I opened my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. The fantasy fell away, and I saw that I was utterly alone. I dropped my hands as my arousal deflated. I was only torturing myself because there was nothing left to salvage between us. The sooner I forgot about him, the better.

My dreams believed otherwise, torturing me further with images of him even in my sleep. I woke up gasping from one particularly bad dream in which I watched him making love to Kristina. The worst part was when she turned her head to look at me, it was Cassie’s face I saw.

I was too afraid to go back to sleep after that nightmare, so I spent the rest of the night laying in bed wide awake, wishing Logan had never come back to Chicago.

Chapter Eighteen

I spent most of Sunday moping around my apartment. I called Emily to let her know I was okay but took a rain check on brunch. I had absolutely no desire to go out in public.

I tried to keep my mind off Logan, but it was impossible. Breaking up a year ago had devastated me, and it had been a while before I was able to function like a normal human being again. As months passed, I had become better at pushing him to the back of my mind. I had reached a point where I was almost able to convince myself that I could move on with my life without being haunted by the memory of him. But all of that had been shattered when he had reappeared in my life. The gaping wound that I had patched up was raw again.

It was even worse now because of Kristina. Every time I thought about the two of them together, how their casual affection spoke of a comfortable relationship, I felt physically ill. Emily’s insistence that Kristina looked like me burned like acid, although the more I thought about it, the more I believed it was just a coincidence. I was thinking way too highly of myself if I believed Logan was so desperate to be with me that he had found a replacement for me.

It was starting to get dark, but I just sat on the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. The setting sun matched my despondent mood, and I welcomed the darkness as it enveloped me.

It was almost completely dark in my apartment when my cell phone rang. The sound was jarring in the silence, and the screen was a beacon of light in the shadows. My heart caught in my throat when I saw Logan’s name flashing across the screen.

My hand hovered over my phone as I debated whether I should answer it. A part of me was desperate to snatch it up and hear his voice on the other end, but I knew the healthy thing to do was to ignore his call and hope he would just leave me alone. I didn’t want to go down a path of self-destruction. I had survived Logan leaving me once before. I didn’t think I could survive it again.

Unfortunately, the masochistic part of me won, and I answered it before it could go to voicemail.

“Hello?” I answered tentatively.

“I was afraid you weren’t going to answer.”

“I almost didn’t,” I said honestly. “Why are you calling me?”

Logan hesitated before answering. “I wanted to apologize for last night. I don’t have an excuse for my behavior. I never planned for any of that to happen. I truly wanted us to be friends again. I don’t know how things got so out of hand.”

I wasn’t willing to just swallow his apology. He had known exactly what he was doing last night. “Things got out of hand because you let them. The things you said to me… You made me feel like a worthless piece of trash. We both hurt each other in the past, yet you seemed hell bent on getting revenge on me last night. I’m not going to take the blame for everything that happened between us a year ago.”

“I’m not asking you to. Like I said, I have no excuses for last night. I called to tell you I’m sorry and also to ask for another chance.”

“Another chance at what?” My heart pounded against my chest at his words.

“At being friends. I meant everything I said before about missing our friendship. Can we just pretend that I didn’t behave like an ass last night and start fresh?”

I felt stupid that, for one moment, hope had flared and I thought he was asking for another chance at a romantic relationship. It reinforced the fact that I was far from over him and that it would be dangerous to pursue anything with him, even friendship.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said. My heart twisted a little, even though I knew it was the right choice. It would be painful to cut him out of my life again, but it was better to do it now rather than later when my emotions would be even more invested. “We’ve already proven that it’s too easy for us to cross the boundary of friendship.” My tone became hushed as I voiced a fear that had plagued me since Logan’s party. “We don’t want a repeat of what happened in the past.”

“Maddie, I can’t.” Hearing him call me by my nickname was both painful and pleasurable. “I can’t just pretend like you don’t exist, especially now that we’re living in the same city again. I had a lapse in judgment last night. It won’t happen again. I care about Kristina, and I’m not planning on cheating on her. I promise that I won’t cross the line again.”

I felt a slice of pain when he expressed his feelings for Kristina—more evidence that pursuing a friendship with Logan was a bad idea. Despite knowing that, I couldn’t completely close myself off to the idea of having Logan in my life again. He was like an addiction for me, and now that I had gotten another hit, it was even harder to walk away.

“I don’t know,” I finally said with a sigh. “I have to think about it.”