Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“Work has been going well,” Logan said simply. He set down the platter of meat on the table and started fiddling with the charcoal on the grill that was much larger than the hibachi grill he had joked about. I watched him silently, aware that we were in plain view of Kristina and Emily through the glass.

Logan straightened after he had doused the charcoal briquettes with lighter fluid and lit them. “We have to wait a few minutes for the fire to die down and the briquettes to turn gray before we put the food on.”

I nodded though I

knew nothing about grilling. I leaned against the railing of the balcony and immediately tensed when Logan came closer, but he just simply stood next to me as he gazed out into the city. Clouds muted the afternoon sun, making the summer heat more bearable.

We were silent for a while before Logan spoke. “So far so good,” he said, looking at me with a wry smile. I knew what he was talking about without him having to clarify.

“I guess,” I said half-heartedly. “It’s not hard to behave when we’re in front of your girlfriend.”

“We’re alone now,” he reasoned.

I made a face at him. “Yeah, but she can see us through the glass. That’s not really being alone.”

Logan didn’t respond right away. When he did, his voice was quieter. “Do you see Adam at all anymore?”

I gave him an incredulous look. “Are you kidding me? After what he did with Mrs. Brooks? I’m just relieved that he’s left me alone. He’s lucky that he never showed his face again after the stunt he pulled. I would have probably done him some bodily harm.”

“Are you seeing someone now?” Logan was still staring straight ahead as he asked his question.

“You asked me that before, and I said no. Anyways, I don’t think that’s an appropriate topic of conversation.” Not only was it inappropriate but it was also annoying. How many times was he going to ask me the same question?

He turned to look at me, his expression bland. “Why not? We’re friends. Friends can talk about their respective relationships.”

“We’re far from being normal friends, Logan. From where I stand, we’re just figuring out if we can be in the same space without hurting each other.”

“So that means you are seeing someone.”

I made a sound of impatience. “No. I already told you I wasn’t. But even if I was, it’s none of your business.”

Logan frowned, but didn’t push the issue. Instead, he changed the topic to another sensitive subject. “Have you seen Cassie’s mother recently?”

I shook my head. “No, I’ve only seen her once since you’ve been gone. It wasn’t too long after you left.” My expression turned grim. “It didn’t go so well.”

“What happened?” he asked, looking concerned.

Logan was the last person I should be confiding in. I wasn’t sure if sharing confidences was smart, because it would only bring us dangerously closer together. But he was the only person who understood the mess of my past and its repercussions because he had been a part of it all. It felt natural to share confidences with him.

“I decided I was sick of pretending. I was gentle, but I tried to get Mrs. Brooks to admit that Cassie was gone.”

“Good for you,” Logan said. “It’s about time she faced the truth.”

I shook my head. “It was a mistake. I pushed too far. She became hysterical to the point where I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. I was stupid enough to think I was the one who could get her to face the fact that Cassie is dead. Instead, I just made things worse. Mr. Brooks had to sedate her before she became too out of control.”

Logan gently put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly in sympathy. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

I looked up Logan, reveling in the feeling that he cared about me, even as just a friend. It was something I had desperately missed.

“It was my own fault,” I said with a sigh. “I thought I could somehow save her, make her see the truth. I realized that she’ll never be able to face the truth until she makes the decision to do so on her own. I didn’t go to their house for Cassie’s last birthday. I know it’s not my place to try to force Mrs. Brooks to face that Cassie is gone, but I also can’t pretend like she’s still here. I can’t do that to myself, and I can’t do that to Cassie anymore.” I dropped my head to stare at my hands. When I spoke again, my voice was much quieter. “I still miss her so much. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that she was so vibrant and alive. When will the pain go away?”

Logan’s hand lifted from my shoulder, and he raised it until it was just hovering over my cheek. I held my breath, unsure if he was about to caress my face, a gesture that used to be so natural between us, but instead he dropped his hand to his side, his hand clenched into a fist. I glanced quickly through the balcony door to see if Kristina was watching us, but she was looking in Emily’s direction as they talked.

“I don’t think you’ll ever stop missing her,” he said quietly. “And I don’t know if the pain will ever go away. But I think not participating in the charade of her being alive will help a lot. How can you properly grieve for someone if you have to pretend they’re still alive?”

I didn’t respond because I had no reply. We were silent for a while, but this time it was companionable instead of awkward. I felt oddly bereft of his company when he went to place the meat on top of the grill, even though he had only moved a few feet away from me. The distance burst the bubble we had been in, and I was once again reminded of how different things were between us now.

Logan didn’t really need any help, so I just stood there and watched him grill the food. Kristina and Emily came out to join us on the balcony after a while and the conversation turned casual. We ate outside since the weather was so nice, and I relaxed enough to enjoy everyone’s company, even Kristina’s. After eating enough hamburgers, hot dogs, and the potato salad Kristina had prepared to make us feel uncomfortably full, we spent the rest of the waning afternoon on the balcony. I drank enough beer to feel pleasantly buzzed, and it muted the sharp pain that pierced me whenever I saw Logan and Kristina acting affectionate towards each other.