Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan 2)

“I’m sorry about last night.”

I looked up at Logan, surprised by his words. I watched him as he continued to speak.

“You can imagine that it was a bit of a shock to wake up in a hospital and be told you’ve lost part of your memory, and that the strangers standing in front of you aren’t really strangers. I was unkind and I didn’t mean to be. It was just a lot to take in.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I admit that it was hard for me to hear you say you don’t who I am.” I gave him a look of determination. “But we’re going to remedy that.”

Logan raised his eyebrow, his expression of bemusement so familiar that it hurt a little. “And how are we going to do that?”

“We’re going to do the total Madison immersion.” I smiled, trying to bring a little levity into the situation. “Madison all day and all night. You’ll love it.”

“All night?” repeated Logan with a quirk of his mouth. “It doesn’t sound half bad.”

I flushed, not knowing how to take his comment. I decided to just ignore it since it was too confusing to try to figure out our dynamics. Logan was the love of my life, yet to him, I was a stranger. “We should start with questions. Ask me anything you want and I’ll answer them.”

I sat down in the chair next to his bed. I was ready to stay here as long as it took for Logan to regain his memory.

Logan studied me for a few moments before speaking. “Are we in love with each other?”

I hadn’t expected that to be his first question and I swallowed audibly. “I believe we are. I mean, you tell me that you love me.” I bit my lip. “And I love you.”

Logan frowned. “You said we had only been together for four months, but the guy last night said I had been in love with you since college.”

How could I explain our convoluted history? Especially when a large part of that history included Cassie. I didn’t want to talk about her death. But what choice did I have?

“You and I met while we were at the University of Michigan. You were actually my best friend’s boyfriend. Do you remember Cassie?” Logan shook his head and I took a deep breath before continuing. “She was my best friend since elementary school, and you guys started dating our junior year. You and I started spending a lot of time together and one thing led to another…”

It sounded so sordid when I tried to describe it. I couldn’t put into words how strong our feelings had been for each other. How it had felt as if there was no point in being alive if we couldn’t be together.

“We never meant to hurt her,” I said, looking down at my lap. “We just couldn’t stay away from each other. We were planning on telling her about us, but before we could…she killed herself.”

I looked up at Logan, but his expression remained impassive. I continued to talk when he didn’t say anything. “I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I blamed myself because…” I shrugged my shoulders. “I blamed myself because it was obviously my fault. You were convinced she didn’t know about us, but I wasn’t so sure.” I reached up and fingered the heart pendant around my neck, trying to draw strength from it. “I refused to have contact with you until about five years later, when you moved to Chicago. We became friends, and then much more.”

I looked at Logan to try to gauge his reaction, but his expression was unreadable. “I was feeling a lot of guilt about being together because of Cassie’s death, and I pretty much pushed you away. You moved to L.A. for your job for about a year, and then came back to Chicago. We realized that we couldn’t stay apart, so we started a relationship again. So, it’s been four months since then.”

Logan looked at me contemplatively for a while, before speaking. “It’s funny. I remember going to the University of Michigan. I remember moving to Chicago and then L.A., and then back again. But it’s like the significant people in my life during those time periods have been wiped from my memory.”

It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting, after confessing our past to him. He was so matter-of-fact after I told him our history, including the death of Cassie.

He sighed heavily. “I need some time to process everything that you’ve told me.”

I hesitated. “Does that mean you want me to leave?”

Logan shook his head. “No, I’d like it if you stayed. We can talk more about the past.”

I was relieved he wasn’t dismissing me. That was something, at least. The rest of the morning was spent on lighter topics, where I filled in some blanks about his work and family, although he remembered a lot about those areas of his life. Nurses and doctors were in and out while we talked, but we concentrated on each other. As painful as it was that Logan didn’t remember me, I was reminded of why I loved being in his company so much. We instantly clicked in ways I had taken for granted, laughing at random jokes and sometimes talking over each other because we had so much to say. It reminded me that I should be grateful that he was alive and healthy. The memories would come later. I was just thankful that I hadn’t lost him.

The morning flew by and I was surprised when I saw that it was already lunchtime. One of the nurses brought in Logan’s lunch and he looked at it in distaste. “What is it?”

“Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans,” the nurse replied briskly before she left.

“I’m not sure you should eat that,” I said, eyeing the gray piece of meat on his plate, partially covered by a thick gravy. “That barely resembles food.” I laughed when Logan poked at the meatloaf with a fork as if he was afraid it would move on its own. “Why don’t I get some lunch for us. Are you in the mood for anything?”

Before he could answer, the door opened and Mack strode in. He held up a brown bag with a smile. “Did someone say lunch?”

I blinked at him, surprised by his presence, although I shouldn’t have been. He obviously cared about Logan so it made sense that he made time in his schedule to visit him. I was actually happy to see him because he could help jar Logan’s memory.

Logan didn’t look as happy as I was to see him. His mouth was set in a firm line and he was studying Mack in a not-so-friendly manner.