Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan 2)

“You’re coming?” I asked, surprised. I continued hastily, “I would love to have you there. I just didn’t realize you were coming.”

“I told Charles to send the RSVP.” Mrs. Brooks made a disgusted noise. “Men. They think RSVPs are optional.”

I wanted to laugh at how normal she sounded. There was nothing more I could hope for at my wedding than Mrs. Brooks there, happy and healthy.

“Well, consider this your RSVP then,” I said. “I’m so looking forward to seeing you.” I hesitated. I didn’t know if I should address the two things that were weighing on me, but I decided I needed to be honest as possible. “Are you okay with Logan and I getting married? I know it’s hard not to think of him as Cassie’s boyfriend.”

“We all have to move on, dear,” Mrs. Brooks said softly. “I’ve learned that the hard way. I love you, Madison. I just want you to be happy. If Logan makes you happy, that’s all I need. I know Cassie would feel the same way.”

I wanted to weep with gratitude. I didn’t deserve her graciousness but I was grateful for it. I still needed to address the other issue.

“I didn’t purposely pick the day after the anniversary of her death for our wedding,” I explained in a rush. “It was the only date possible at the church, because we had so little time to plan the wedding. I really debated whether it was the right thing to do, but the deciding factor was thinking about what Cassie would say. And I’m pretty sure she’d say, go for it.”

“I agree,” Mrs. Brooks said. “It’s a hard day to relive every year. Maybe having a happy occasion to celebrate will make it easier.”

I smiled through my tears. “Hearing you say that means so much to me. You’ve been so good to me throughout my whole life. I was so afraid that it would upset you.”

“Of course not,” she said reassuringly. “I’m happy for you, Madison.”

The conversation was going so well that I didn’t know if I should broach the next topic, but I decided there was no reason to hold back now.

“I’m planning on going to Cassie’s grave on Friday.” I paused before continuing. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Will you say a prayer for me?” Mrs. Brooks asked. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to go to her burial site yet. I know she’s no longer here, but I think seeing the physical evidence may be a little too overwhelming.”

“Of course,” I said. “And I completely understand. I just wanted to let you know.”

Mrs. Brooks and I talked for a few more minutes and then ended the call. Logan came over to give me a hug.

“I take it that it was a good talk?” he asked. I nodded, tears still streaming down my face. They were happy tears. I was so grateful for everything I was being graced with. I promised myself I would never take anyone in my life for granted again.

I told Logan about our conversation while he held me, an

d then we spent the rest of the night cuddled in the living room. I told him stories about Cassie and me growing up, since they were all new to him. It was a night where I honored all the amazing things Cassie had been, and celebrated the impact she would forever have on my life. When I went to bed, I said a small prayer for her, wishing her peace and happiness wherever she was. My last thought before I drifted off to sleep was to tell her I loved her.

The week flew by since I was so busy with last minute wedding preparations. Before I knew it, Friday was upon us. It was a day I usually dreaded, but this year the anniversary of Cassie’s death didn’t have the power to push me into a depression. It wasn’t just because things were going well in my life and I was about to get married to the man I loved, although those things helped. The real reason was because I could feel Cassie’s approval. I felt her presence more now than I ever had since she had died. Without the guilt and self-hatred clouding my mind and heart, there was nothing to block my connection to her.

It was overcast on Friday, and I hoped it wouldn’t rain. Logan and I made the drive out to Laurenston, since Cassie was buried at a site in our hometown. The wind whipped my hair in my face when I stepped out of the car, obscuring my view. I pushed my hair away and turned to Logan, who put his arm around me.

“Are you ready for this?” he asked gently

“I’m ready,” I said, although I was a little nervous. I had visited Cassie’s grave many times over the years, but it had been a while since my last visit. And never with Logan.

We walked through the neatly manicured burial grounds until we got to Cassie’s headstone. Even though it was a familiar site, seeing her name carved in the stone, with the dates of her life, made my stomach clench. No matter how at peace I was with her death, I would never stop missing her, and wishing she was here with me.

I saw that there were already multiple bouquets by her headstone, and I added my white lilies to the group. I kneeled down in front of her grave, the dampness of the ground soaking through my jeans. Logan stood behind me, giving me my space.

“Hi, Cassie,” I said, my voice tremulous. “I know it’s been a while since I’ve visited. I could say it was because I was really busy, but you already know that’s not the reason.” I paused before continuing. “I was afraid of what you would think about me being with Logan. But now I know I have your blessing.” I gave a small smile. “I guess people can call me crazy for believing that you spoke to me while I was unconscious, but I know that was you. I could feel your energy and your presence.”

I clasped my hands in front of me, gazing down at them. “I’m getting married to Logan tomorrow. I’ll think of you while I’m walking down the aisle.” Tears streamed down my face. “Remember when we said we were going to marry brothers so that we’d be sisters for real? We were supposed to be in each other’s weddings. Then we were going to move to the city and lead fabulous lives before moving to the suburbs to pop out a few kids.”

I gave a teary laugh at the wild fantasies we used to spin during the endless days of summer vacation. I took a deep breath, wiping the tears from my face.

“Your mother is doing so much better. I know it must have been a burden for you to see your mother suffering, but she’s really doing well now. I promise to keep in touch with your parents to make sure they’re doing well.” I sighed deeply. “There’s so much I want to say to you, but even though I feel your presence here, it’s not where you live. I feel your spirit more strongly when I’m laughing at one of Lola’s silly antics, or when I look up and see the endless clouds. You’re in all the happy moments of my life. That’s why I’ll know you’ll be there with me tomorrow at my wedding.”

I closed my eyes, picturing her laughing face in my mind. “Thank you for saving me. Not just from Kristina, but from myself. I promise to live my life in a way that would make you proud. My life has become a rollercoaster, but I no longer grit my teeth and try to bear it. I just let it all out and live life to its fullest. You taught me that.” I took a shaky breath. “I love you, Cassie. I always will. Thank you for always being there for me.”

I dropped my head and said a prayer for her, for Cassie’s mother. When I opened my eyes, I felt a droplet of rain hit my forehead. I looked up at the gray sky and smiled as it started to rain lightly. It felt like it was an answer from Cassie.