Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim 3)

“Parker was never the brightest penny, remember? When he climbed on I held on to his shoulders like I was getting off on the scene. The horny asshole must have thought Mason was going to take a bus or something. He was shocked as hell when Mason magicked himself into the room. Parker didn’t get more than two minutes of fun. When Mason got there, let me tell you, he wasn’t laughing when he saw what was happening. He got hold of Parker with a ghost hand spell, lifted him off the bed without touching him and bounced him off the walls like he was playing air hockey, yelling the whole time about damaged goods. Neither of them noticed that I’d gotten the gun out of Parker’s shoulder holster while he was on top of me.

“When he was done with Parker, Mason did another spell and a hole opened in the floor of the room. I couldn’t see where it went but I knew damn well I didn’t want to go down there. So I shot him.”

She cocks her head for a second.

“I shot at him. But I missed. He looked at the hole and he looked at me and I knew what was coming next. Before he could grab me with the ghost hand I put the gun under my chin and pulled the trigger.”

The pain in the new arm won’t stop and my vision is getting tunneled. It could be a stroke but I know it’s just my brain trying to crawl out of my body and away from the sound of Alice’s voice.

“You can stop there,” I say. “I get the picture.”

“For the record, shooting myself wasn’t my first choice. I thought of you when I did it. I thought, ‘What would Jim do if he was here and he knew he couldn’t beat the other guy and something horrible was going to happen when he lost?’ And it came to me. Mason might have won the fight, but that didn’t mean he got to keep the prize. I took it away from him and all he could do was stand there and watch me pull the trigger. Mason didn’t win. I did. And it was because of you.”

Because of me. It’s because of me she was in that room at all. There’s nothing I could have done about it then and there’s nothing I can do about it now and that’s what I have to live with. Maybe that right there is the definition of life. Being alive is learning how to live with the intolerable. I’ll be explaining that to Parker soon enough. I’ll send a search party for his soul and teach him all about the intolerable.

I look at Samael.

“How is it she went Upstairs instead of down here? I thought suicide was a sure ticket on the coal cart.”

“Usually, but under extreme circumstances the rules can become flexible. Especially for me.”

Thanks, you pointy-tailed lunatic. Thanks a lot.

“Now it’s my turn to say something I’ve been avoiding,” says Alice. “You asked me before if we got together because the Inquisition wanted me to spy on you. The answer is yes. And that’s why I came to you.”

“That’s what I thought. But it’s old news. I don’t care anymore.”

She puts her hands over her mouth. There’s a moment of silence.

“Medea Bava told me about how dangerous you were and how you were going to expose the Sub Rosa to the whole civilian world and get us killed. I was afraid for my family.”

“Makes sense.”

She blinks. Half smiles.

“When I got to know you I knew Medea was half right. You were dangerous and I liked it. By then I didn’t care about the rest.”

“It’s okay. I believe you.”

“Really?”

I nod.

“That’s why it’s okay. Whatever Bava says we were to each other we know different and that’s all that matters.”

“Thank you.”

“Hell. Thank Medea for getting us together. I owe the old witch a candygram.”

She looks at Samael.

“You’ll look after him, right?”

“For you, dear, of course.”

“That’s sweet, Sam,” I say. “You’re getting as sentimental as the angel.”

He gives me a look that’s a lot more like the Infernal prince than I’ll ever be.