Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim 3)

He looks at Alice.

“Are you ready to go home, my dear?”

“No,” she says. “If Jim is staying, then I’m staying, too.”

“Yeah, except I’m not staying. Get it?”

“I’m afraid you are,” says the angel. “I’m holding on to the key for safekeeping. With all due respect, you aren’t to be trusted with it.”

“We both have to go back so Allegra can put us back together.”

“I’m going back alone. You go ahead and make changes here. I’m going to make some changes up above.”

“You’re fucking ditching me?”

The angel walks to a shadow on the wall.

“I could give you a million reasons, but the simple truth is that I’m sick of you, your moods, your anger, and your hangovers. And the way you kept me chained in the backyard like a bad dog. I’ll go back to earth and pick up where you left off.”

“You don’t have any scars. And you’re too young. Everyone will know you’re not me.”

He smiles and points a finger.

“But will anyone care? I might not be as colorful as you, but I’m much less likely to get everyone around me killed. That goes a long way toward making friends.”

He steps into the shadow.

“Wait! Come back. I promise I won’t try to stop you.”

The angel steps back in but doesn’t move from the shadow.

“You need to take some things with you. Take Kasabian a crate of Maledictions. And have one of the soldiers bring you a hellhound. I figure there has to be a Sub Rosa engineer or charm maker who can modify the mechanics so it can move upright, more like a person. Kasabian can go where the brain went. Voilà. He has a body.”

The angel sighs and squints at me.

“Is there anything else? Maybe I can get Bob Geldof to do a benefit to help you rebuild the place.”

“That would be awesome, but in the meantime . . .” I take out my black blade. The angel flinches, but takes it when I hand it to him butt first. “Give this to Candy and tell her to keep it safe for me. Tell her I’m coming back for it soon.”

The angel slips the knife into his waistband.

“I’ll get your cigarettes and your dog, but I’m not coming back here.”

“Youȁier1C;You&9;re really going to hate L.A., Clarence.”

As he goes I yell, “And tell Muninn to send care packages! He owes me that.”

Lucifer looks around and says, “I think that’s my cue to go. I’ll stop by from time to time to see how you’re faring. And, Alice, if you ever change your mind and want to come home, just whistle. I’ll be here in a flash.”

“Thank you,” she says.

“No,” I say. “I’m changing your mind for you. Go home. I know this place and I’m the boss now. I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t leave you here alone.”

“You know what’s worse than me being alone? It’s you hanging around out of guilt or obligation or something. I came down here to free you so you can go back where you’re supposed to be. So please do it.”

She looks between Lucifer and me. Samael, I mean. I’m Lucifer. That’s going to take some getting used to.