Reasons Not To Fall In Love

My goodbye with my mum had been a tearful one. I hated to leave, and was going to miss her terribly. Each time I saw her and then left again, it always seemed to get harder. We both made promises to make more effort, and to get up to visit the other more often. She invited the three of us to spend Christmas with her at the house. Finn hadn’t seemed to like that idea at all and had just shrugged and told her that we’d try.

I knew it wouldn’t happen though because ‘try’ was a word he used often; it was an empty word, he’d just said it to placate her.

By the time we got home, Theo was sound asleep. He didn’t even stir as Finn unbuckled his seatbelt and carefully plucked him out of the car. I smiled at the sight and walked ahead up the rusting metal stairs that led to our flat. Once I’d opened the door, I ushered Finn through and then ran to Theo’s bedroom, pulling back the bedcovers and watching as Finn set my baby in his bed.

The broody inside me was still raging, threatening to boil over. Seeing Evie had made me broody, but remembering Theo that little, remembering his first smiles and the way he would giggle when I dried him after he’d had a bath, made my womb clench and my body long for it so much that it was almost painful.

As Finn snuck out of Theo’s bedroom, I followed behind, my mind still full of thoughts of teeny baby clothes and soft toys. When Finn turned back to me, I smiled seductively, wondering how to broach the subject of another baby even though we could barely afford to live and he had no job at the moment.

“I’m going to bed too, you coming?” he asked, nodding back towards our bedroom.

I chewed on my lip at that offer, wondering if maybe accidental pregnancy would work better. I immediately scolded myself because I would never do anything like that on purpose. Theo was an accident and, although I loved him more than anything in the world, if I could choose the circumstances and timing of falling pregnant with him, it certainly wouldn’t be with the prick of a father I had chosen, nor at seventeen as the timing.

“Sure,” I agreed. “Evie was beautiful, don’t you think? I forgot what it was like to hold a new-born baby.” I winced at how stupid I sounded. He shrugged in response and walked towards the bedroom at the back of our flat. I followed him in there, deciding to keep trying. “You remember Theo being that little?”

He sighed dramatically. “I knew this would happen,” he mumbled.

“Knew what would happen?” I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it onto the chair before pulling on the button of my jeans, tugging them off too.

“You and babies,” he answered, as if that cleared everything up.

I silently wondered if I’d been rumbled. He had probably guessed where I was going with my little prompts, and even sounded like he was expecting it to happen.

“You want another baby, am I right?” he asked, pulling his clothes off and slipping into bed in his boxer shorts.

I laughed quietly, blushing. “What on earth gave you that idea? I was merely asking if you remembered Theo being that little, and…” His expression told me that he wasn’t falling for it in the slightest, so I decided to give up. The knowing look he was shooting me was easy enough to see. I crawled up the bed in just my underwear, straddling his hips. “OK, yeah I was thinking about it. What do you think?” I asked, lowering my body down on top of his, trying to look seductive. If there was one thing I knew about Finn Reynolds it was that he never turned down sex.

He sighed and cupped my bum in his hands, looking me right in the eyes. “I think that they’re expensive. I think that I’m out of work right now. I think that you and I are in no state to be thinking about anything like that at the moment.”

I gulped and pouted, trying to get my own way. I knew it wouldn’t work though. Finn and I were married, but there were no real feelings there any more, maybe there never were. I couldn’t ever put my finger on a point where I could say I was totally in love with him so maybe I’d never been ‘in love’ with him, I didn’t know. We just kind of put up with each other and were barely even friends. Sex and paying the bills, that was all we shared really. We were just drifting through life as a couple because it was easier than starting over alone, not because either of us actually wanted to be in this destructive relationship.

He licked his lips and pulled me closer to him. “I tell you what. In a year we’ll be in a better position and we’ll talk about it again then, how about that?”

I sighed and nodded, trying not to feel disappointed. I was being irrational; my hormones were driving me forward because I’d been cuddling with Evie. We really couldn’t afford another mouth to feed. Finn was right, another year would be better.

“OK,” I agreed.

He smirked at me then, and his eyes slid down to my chest. Strangely, I was reminded of the way Harrison had looked at me in the same manner yesterday, but this look from Finn didn’t even get my senses stirring half as much as that cocky little grin on Harrison’s face.

His tongue darted out, tracing his bottom lip as he pulled me closer to him. “How about we just practice for tonight?” Finn suggested. His fingers trailed up my back, hooking under the clasp of my bra, pulling gently. I nodded and bent my head to kiss him, ignoring the taste of stale cigarettes on his tongue and the disappointment that settled in my stomach. I closed my eyes and, although I felt terrible for doing it, I imagined Harrison’s hands on my body instead of Finn’s. I imagined Harrison kissing my neck and pulling at my knickers. Thinking about Harrison Baxter in that way made my body more excited than it had been in years.

June 2012

I tipped my head back and closed my eyes, letting the late June sunshine warm my face. The sounds of laughter and childish music surrounded me. The happy and light atmosphere was very pleasant compared to what I would usually be surrounded by on a Saturday afternoon – the café lunchtime rush and rude, demanding patrons.

Unfortunately, not much had changed in the last six years. I still worked hard, too hard sometimes, but that couldn’t be helped. Finn had managed to land himself a job, even though he was currently hanging by a thread and on probation, so his wages took some of the pressure off me – well, when he wasn’t drinking or gambling it away it did anyway. Theo was now eleven and in his first year at secondary school. He was growing up way too fast for my liking. I still hadn’t convinced Finn that we needed to make a second baby, the timing just never seemed right – maybe it never would be. My life continued to feel like one long, never-ending, uphill struggle. I lived for days like this one where I could relax, breathe, and let my problems disappear. Coming home to Bath always made me feel like this and I hadn’t been able to contain my smile since we’d arrived the previous night.

Today was Evie’s sixth birthday, so of course, Skye and Brandon were throwing her a party fit for a princess, complete with pink bouncy castle and a red-nosed clown that looked like something that had wandered straight out of my childhood nightmares.

To ensure that I stayed as far away from the red-haired, big-footed thing, I’d nominated myself chief-restocker-of-the-buffet-table. It was keeping me busy because the twenty or so kids that Skye currently had running around their garden had descended on it like locusts as soon as the tin foil was removed from the plates.

At the moment, over to one side of Skye’s large back garden, Brandon and his very reluctant helper, Theo, were running the musical bumps competition, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at Theo’s disgruntled expression because he would probably rather be in Evie’s bedroom playing with the Nintendo 3DS that she got for her birthday from her parents.

“I think we have more chocolate fingers in the kitchen; I’ll go get them,” Skye said, fussing and moving the empty plates around.

“Skye, you have enough food here. Seriously, stop stressing,” I scolded, grinning and shaking my head. Skye wanted everything perfect for her little girl’s birthday. I could understand why, of course; she was her one and only child, they wouldn’t have another because they’d been through so much with the IVF treatment just to make my adorable niece. As a result, they spoilt Evie as much as they could and treasured every moment of her childhood.

Skye sighed and chewed on her lip. “Yeah, you’re probably right, but I think I’ll go get them, just in case.” She nodded to herself and looked up, her expression changing to a smile as she looked over my shoulder. “Hello, Harrison, fashionably late huh?”

The mere mention of his name made the muscles in my body tighten.

“You know how I like to make an entrance,” he replied playfully.

I was a little reluctant to turn around. Harrison Baxter did funny things to my insides, things I really shouldn’t allow myself to feel, but I had no control over them.

“Whoa, what happened to you anyway?” Skye asked, frowning.

Unable to resist any longer, I turned to see Harrison standing just behind me. The white t-shirt that he wore was rumpled and covered in dirt and what looked like grease, his blonde hair was messier than usual, and he had a black smudge on his right cheek just under his eye. Somehow, his dishevelled and dirty appearance made him look even more appealing. I really needed to get a hold of myself and quickly because my husband was here with me for a change today, so I couldn’t let this guy affect me like he usually did.

He shrugged, looking down at himself. “Bloody tyre burst on the way here. I had to stop and change it,” he explained.

“Don’t you have AA or RAC?” Skye asked, clicking her tongue in disapproval.

Harrison nodded in response, pulling a rectangular, badly wrapped present from a Toys ‘R’ Us carrier bag and setting it amongst the other presents on the table. “I do, yeah, but if I’d called them out then I would have been sat there waiting for ages for them to turn up. I just changed it myself because it’s quicker. Didn’t want to miss too much of the party, I might have missed cake!” he said with mock horror.

Skye sighed, picking up a few empty plates. “I’ll just take these inside and then I’ll find you one of Brandon’s shirts or something to put on. You look a mess,” she chuckled, shaking her head. “This is what you get for buying an old classic car instead of something reliable.”

“Ahh, I knew you’d find an excuse to knock the car again,” Harrison grinned, picking up a sausage roll and popping it into his mouth whole. As Skye left, Harrison’s attention turned to me. “Long time no see, Bronwyn, how are you?”

The way he said my name made my pulse quicken, the way his tongue toyed with it and caressed it had my knees weakening and my cheeks threatening to blanch. I gulped, hoping I could keep the lust out of my voice. “I’m good. How are you, apart from putting some poor roadside assistance man out of a job?” I joked, hoping to come across as aloof.

He stepped up beside me and picked up a paper plate. “Not bad. I’ve been working a lot more than I usually would, not as much time off as I’d like because of the company expanding recently, but other than that, I’m good,” he answered, eyeing the buffet table with interest. “So, did I miss all the fun?”

I grinned and shrugged. “You missed pass-the-parcel and hide-and-seek,” I replied, before nodding towards the clown who was calling all the kids to sit down on the grass in front of him. “Looks like you’re just in time for some magic though.”

Harrison looked in the direction that I nodded, and his eyes widened in apparent horror. “Oh shit, it’s like Pennywise from IT!” He recoiled visibly before leaning in so he could whisper in my ear. “Why would someone hire him for a kid’s birthday party? Have they not seen the film? Mofo’s going to go mad and start killing people soon.”

I burst out laughing and shook my head. “Want your boat, Georgie?” I replied, using a line from the book that was actually one of my favourites – and the reason I didn’t like clowns to this day. I nudged him with my elbow and nodded towards the scary-arse clown. “Go ask him if his balloons float,” I dared.

Harrison laughed a deep throaty laugh, his eyes twinkling. “I forgot how funny you are, Bronwyn.”

I grinned, a little bemused by his comment. Harrison always said I was funny – but that confused me because Finn never seemed to get my humour at all. Maybe it was because Harrison and I seemed to have so much in common and got along so well. I hadn’t seen him for almost a year, yet he just walked in and we were already laughing and talking like we’d spoken only yesterday. It was nice, and one of the reasons I looked forward to coming to visit family each time.

“You not eating?” Harrison asked, loading his plate with food.

I smiled. I hadn’t actually eaten yet, I was too busy making sure all the kids ate first and that Finn had lined his stomach to soak up some of the alcohol that he’d been consuming since eleven o’clock this morning. “Yeah, I am.” I picked up a plate, and just as I reached out for the last plain cheese sandwich on the tray, my hand collided with Harrison’s who was reaching for it at the same time. I smiled, pulling my hand away, nodding for him to take it. “Sorry, you have it.”

He grinned, picking up the sandwich. Instead of putting it on his plate though, he set it on mine. “You have it. I know you don’t like most of this other stuff,” he replied, shrugging.

I frowned, wondering how he would know that. “How’d you know that?”

He turned away from me, loading up his plate with an array of the food that Skye, my mother and I had been slaving away at making all morning. “Believe it or not, I’ve been to several of these parties with you over the last few years, and I know you’re a fussy eater just from watching you select your buffet food. You only eat cheese sandwiches, no pickle,” he stated as if it were obvious. “And cheese pizza, but you leave the crust. Looks like all the pizza has gone though.”