She was quiet for a while. “You don’t want to have children? Or you don’t think about it?”
“The second one.” She’d told me she wanted to have kids with me, someday. So, I knew it would be an unavoidable subject. Children were integral to any long-term relationship, but I’d never considered it because I’d never intended to be in a long-term relationship again. But then Cleo came along, and everything got complicated.
“I’m making you uncomfortable.” She turned her gaze to the fire. “Forget I mentioned it.”
She gave me a way out, an escape route. I could just be quiet and let the subject disappear. But it felt wrong to reject the topic when she obviously wanted to have the conversation. When I’d asked her to be with me, I’d told her I would give my all, that I wouldn’t let the past affect what we had. She was such an amazing person, made me so fucking happy, and rejecting her was contradictory to what I’d offered her. I never wanted to give her a reason to leave because I learned my lesson. Couldn’t let the past repeat itself and go through that hell again. “Honestly, I’ve never really thought about it.”
She turned back to me, her eyes serious, as if she hadn’t expected me to respond.
“I don’t really think about the future. It makes me feel overwhelmed.”
She propped her knuckles under her chin and listened.
“I know I’ve accomplished great things for my age, things I’m proud of. I don’t take that for granted. But my mind is in a human body, so I’m subjected to a very short timeline of life. I have so many tasks to complete and not enough time…so it overwhelms me.”
She nodded. “I read an article that said thinking about the future only creates anxiety and depression.”
I appreciated the fact that she listened and accepted everything I said. Not once had she ever tried to argue with me, tried to make me feel differently about my emotions and opinions. It was something I treasured about her. I never felt judged or vilified.
“Things are meant to happen when they’re meant to happen. If you think about it too hard, especially when your plans won’t work out the way you want anyway, there’s just no point. I think you’ve accomplished a lifetime of work already, and instead of stressing about the things you need to do, you should just relish your success every single day. Because you’ve already given so much, Deacon.”
I stared at her, my heart beating slow and steady, finding that peaceful rhythm.
“You’ve been working at a million miles per hour since you were a child. Graduating college years early, becoming the youngest person to win a Nobel Prize in science… It’s incredible. You deserve to live your life the way you want…and slow down a bit.”
I felt like I had slowed down—to be with her. Normally, I’d be working this weekend, but I chose to leave my work behind and spend time with her. And it made me happy, very happy.
“When I asked about you having children… You’re so good with Derek, I just assumed your answer would be yes.”
“I never thought I would have children, but having Derek completes my biological purpose, to keep my genes in the gene pool. So, no, I’ve never really considered more.” Derek fulfilled me, gave me everything I needed.
She nodded.
I stared at her, waiting for more to follow.
But it never did. She turned back to the fire.
“Do you want to have children?” This conversation was one-sided, and that felt wrong. By staying quiet, I was being selfish, avoiding a conversation I didn’t want to have.
She turned back to me. “When I was married, we wanted to have a family. But after I got divorced, I kinda took it off the table. I was so burned that I stopped thinking about the future altogether. My trust was shattered, so I didn’t think I’d even find a guy I could be serious with, let alone have a family with. And my job is so hectic, hours all over the place, that I would need a husband who could support me enough to go part time, which is hard to do in a city as expensive as Manhattan.”
I could support any life she wanted to have—obviously.
She stared at me for a long time, her knuckles still under her chin. “In general, having children is unclear. I could, but I also couldn’t. But with you…” She took a deep breath, uncomfortable saying this to me. “Yeah, I’d like to.”
I held her gaze, listening to the fire crackle in the fireplace, listening to the wildlife around us. “You think about that stuff?”
She nodded. “I want to lie and say I don’t, but I do.”
I sat there in silence.
“It’s no pressure, Deacon. I’m really happy with what we have. I’m not in a hurry for anything to change. What we have is really special. I want to stay this way forever.”